Time

The most precious gift that we have.

There are moments when we feel we don’t have enough, and then there are moments when we feel like we have too much to bear.

The most precious gift that we can give to another is our time. Undivided attention for just a moment or two. It is hard to do, until you learn to do it freely and on demand.

It’s a balancing act. Learning to know when someone is being an attention whore or when someone needs, and yes I mean needs, your time. Just a moment of it.

I went to the post office and then to Wal*Mart. I have been in my head lately, counting the hours, days and weeks until I mark a year here in New Hampshire. Do I stay or do I go.

I also complicated my life here by giving too much time to things and people that really don’t matter or need that much of my time. Some of my time is an investment in establishing myself here. Some of it is given solely to make my life easier. The later being a heavy price to pay.

A line from a song comes to mind (yes, I am ADD and all over the place – the dots will connect, I promise). “I can’t afford to care.”

I have been eating out on the beach lately. Spending money I honestly cannot afford to spend. I can’t spend any more time earning money – I have very little time left for that. I was focused, oh so focused, while walking through Wal*Mart. Two items. Two. No more. Grape Nuts and those pads you put in shoes to keep them from slipping off your heel. Two.

I was focused. Overly focused. I have little to no self-control while shopping. I also need to move out soon. As in SOON.

A woman approached me. She asked if I knew anything about horoscopes. I didn’t, but I could Google it for her. She simply wanted to purchase a tee-shirt with the correct horoscope for her daughter, who was into astrology.

It took 15 minutes to find the information. More than just a moment. However, it was the most fun I have had in a very long time.

Wal*Mart isn’t kind to cell phone service from the start, much less internet service. We moved around the store eventually going toward the door to even get 1 bar of service. All the while we were giggling and rerouting traffic from the aisles we were dominating.

She thanked me from the bottom of her heart for helping her. It was me that was grateful. She reminded me of how precious my time and attention is, when I allow myself to do things that fill me with pleasure and joy.

Such a simple thing. Time. To be so complex, it is simple. Don’t rush. Rushing only makes time move faster and us more tired. Slow, steady and with purpose makes it all balance out.

Time. Time spent with a temporary friend made at a store. Casual conversation with others while stuck on the expressway for hours after a horrible wreck. Time used well. Shared time is so precious. It is a gift that we can offer others, and if we accept it, we can receive the same from others.

Nothing feels as awesome as someone taking a few moments of their precious time and gifting it to us with their help, knowledge or company.

I am glad that I decided to drive all the way to Wal*Mart just to save a few bucks on my cereal. I gained so much more.

A Tuesday Ten

1. I apparently suck at being a blogger of late. I can’t remember the last time I posted.
2. Cash flow plan sounds SO much better than budgeting. Food regimen also sounds better than dieting.
3. Dear pedestrian, I know that you have right of way, however…standing in the middle of the intersection while talking on your cell phone is wrong in more ways than you realize. You are rude and yes, sometimes I wonder how you would feel if my foot slipped of the brake.
4. I acted like a grownup last week. I not only opened a checking account, I also opened a savings account. I am having part of my paycheck automatically deposited into my savings as well. I also paid off two people that I owed money. Sweet.
5. Trying to remember to not take things personally is very very difficult. I’ve done it for so long that it’s a hard habit to break. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not that powerful and cannot control the world around me. I am NOT everyone else’s happiness guru. Who would want me to be? I can’t even keep myself happy 99% of the time.
6. I love my job but suck at it.
7. My truck, bless her, has decided to start getting 16 mpg lately as opposed to the 14 I got before.
8. My ‘muffin top’ belly will not go away. Sit ups aren’t doing the trick so I have included walking and more stretching (yoga). Something better start happening soon because I miss my Reese’s Cups and my cupcakes!
9. Ever since I tried to quit smoking, I smoke like a freight train.
10. Coloring my hair always makes me feel better. Toss in a professional hair cut and brow wax – I am in heaven.

10 Things…

…to not leave in your car during the hot summer months (along with kids and pets!):

Some of these I knew, but some I didn’t ever think about.

1. Crayons
2. Lipstick
3. Soda cans (unopened)
4. Bottled water
5. Sunglasses
6. CDs
7. Electronics
8. Lighters
9. Medicine – any kinds
10. Aerosol sprays

I did not know that if left in a hot car that the chemicals in the bottle can leech to the water.

I also didn’t know that lenses of sunglasses could warp in the heat – you would think the manufacturer would make them warp-proof (is that even possible?).

Electronics is a good one. Our car stereos are electronics – what if you can’t pull that sucker out. I know not to leave my cellphone in the car, but never thought anything of leaving my iPod in there.

Lighters and aerosol cans have always been something I’ve been afraid to leave in a vehicle when the temperatures sour. If I do, I won’t touch them or open the console until I am positive they are cooled down.

CDs? No wonder half of my stuff doesn’t play anymore.

Have a great Thursday everyone! Stay cool and safe!

Ewww, Yuk and Gross

I had a headache from Hades day before yesterday. Beloved sinus headache which leads to a knot in my neck (only because I tense up when I have a headache) and a muscle twitching in my side.

Fun day to say the least.

Then, I decided that I was going to get sick to my stomach. Wonderful, but yet it seems to make me feel better after its all said and done so I just try to go with it, and not cry. Yes, throwing up makes me cry. I hate it that much.

So, there I am rushing into the bathroom and this runs across the floor:

I have never seen one of these before. I hate centipedes & millipedes. Period. This looked like a mutant and boy can that sucker make time across a floor! They can even scale walls. Ewwwer, yukkier and grosser.

I did not scream. I wanted to, but didn’t.

When I was young, my older brother (in hopes that I would wear shoes) told me that those centipede and millipedes would crawl into my feet so I needed to wear shoes. At 49 I know this to not be true but…

So, I did what any normal person would do. I jumped onto the sink, grabbed some air freshener and doused the little sucker. It slowed it down enough for me to smush (is that a word?) it with a paper towel and toss it in the garbage. Did the full body shudder/shiver and then proceeded to get sick.

Once I felt better I had no choice but to Google the monster and reassure myself that it was harmless.

Ps. It is commonly referred to as a House Centipede. Not sure of its ‘technical’ name other than to me it is something that I hope to NOT encounter again any time soon. Give me spiders, snakes and other bugs. I can cope with those…

Location Is Key

Which says a lot about how people really don’t pay attention as long as it is convenient.

I get to laugh a lot. A.LOT

This is the street-side of where I am staying now. Yep, starting at the second door on down is the wall of my room here.

The sign above it says it is a laundromat.  There are  lighted vacancy signs, with instructions below to call the realty office for rental information. Confused? Don’t worry, you are not alone.

See the yellow sign in the foreground? That is by the laundry mat entrance (laundry mat not shown).

Above you see railings, which are rental apartments balconies. No arrow from the vacancy signs up to those. Nope.

Oh, the painted sign on the door between the vacancy signs reads: Seacoast Health Clinic.

Does it all make sense now?

Doesn’t to me either.

Here’s where the fun part begins. I live in the food kitchen. Saint Vincent uses this during the winter months to serve food to the homeless and poor. During the summer months my roommate and I live in the food kitchen to free up Unit #1, where we stay during the off season.

It is actually pretty cool, as in neat, but not really cool as in “cold” cool. It gets pretty hot in here when the sun hits the street side mid-afternoon.

Can we open those doors? Nope. Why? Cause people are idiots and don’t care where they are going or what they are after. We can’t even unlock them so we can use those front doors to go anywhere. Why, people pull the doors open thinking it is a restaurant? WTF?

As I sit here at the computer, or lay in the bed, or sit at the table to eat I can’t help but laugh at people that try the doors.

Why? They honestly think it is a restaurant. We don’t know if they’re really looking for food or possibly a public restroom but it is funny as hell to me that they would think either.

Seriously, even with the confusing signs NO WHERE is there a sign for food or bathrooms on the building. Not even one person, who might accidentally open one of the accidentally unlocked doors, ever says “oh, sorry. I thought this was the laundry mat” or “sorry, I thought this was the rental office”.

Nope, it’s always “is this not a restaurant?”

WTF.

Seriously people. I mean SERIOUSLY. With all the places to eat out here you have to choose what type of food you are going to score. Are these people so dazed, confused, excited or just so damned hungry that they will eat anything? Are they like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland , so desperate for a Twinkie food that they will open every available door in search of some?

Bonus picture – inside view of my room:

Bane Of My Existence

Okay, so there is more than one.

These damned No-See-Ums (aka midgies, sand flies, punkies and others…) can seriously ruin an evening at the picnic tables, and are worse near the beach. These suckers are only about 1-4mm long (.039-.157in –> 1/32” – 5/32”, which is a little bigger than 1/8”).

Talk about big things in small packages! Their bite is worse than a mosquito’s, too.

I read that using baby oil deters them. Nice, will have to try that.

At first I thought these strange whelps on my face and legs were coming from these big guys.

That maybe I was reacting to an ant bite differently up here.
^{don’t ask, stranger things have happened, especially where I’m involved}

Nope, it’s the No-See-Ums.

They can fly through screens. Sweet.

I wore shorts yesterday. So if you see me scratching my ass, you know why. F-ing no.see.ums.

Other ‘bane’s include: creepers, drunk pedestrians, drunk drivers, my inability to save money. Just name a few.

^{Note: bana = slayer, so yes I am being melodramatic.}

3in30 ~ 06.16.2011

Here it is a lovely Friday and I am off work! Doesn’t mean I’m not working, just not working at BBY today. Not sure what a truly lazy day consists of anymore, especially since I can’t manage to sit still for very long lately.

My goals this month are going well!

1. Keep progressing with my skills on the job.
2. Not spending money foolishly.
3. Keep a healthy respect for myself.

I love my job. I don’t know why I’ve never allowed to work somewhere that I truly adore and believe in – maybe because I have always been afraid I would spend my paycheck there? Who knows.

I’m glad I took the chance and it is working out great! I love my job. Sincerely love my job and the people I work with both in the store and my department.

I’m getting better at my job every day. I have also been afforded training opportunities by my supervisor off site. Wonderful gift that helps us all out!

I haven’t been spending money like crazy. Even on little things like candy, cupcakes and sodas. Even though it will take 8-10 minutes off my drive by taking toll roads, I don’t take them. Hey, $1.75 a day can really add up!

$1.50 per day x 5 days = $7.50 a week x 4.5 weeks = $33.75 a month x 12 months = $405 a year

I can only give kudos to Ruiz’s Four Agreements and my ability and willingness to apply them to keeping #3 going! The first agreement is to be impeccable (without sin) with your word. The second is to never take anything personally – whether it be a compliment or shooting you in the face. I know, the second example is extreme but it is all on the other person, whether it is good or bad, plus you don’t want to base your own self-esteem on what other people think of you – good or bad.

I am still working on the first and second agreements so I couldn’t tell you about the third and fourth agreements. Being honest with myself and others, only obligating myself to what I sincerely intend to do and making sure that I do meet my verbal obligations was a little trickier than I first thought.

Amazing how many ways I deceived myself and others before. Even more amazing is now that I am being true to my word, it is easier to not spend money to make myself feel better or think I would be a better person if I had this, that or the other. I have instant trust from others, even strangers (is it possible to radiate honesty?) and my self-respect has soared!

Even though I have run into some great trials this month, I have kept my faith and true to my path. It is all working out so nicely.

A collection agency called me the other day, at work. I was a little embarrassed but realized that this could be a gift if I choose to let it be. Plus, no one knew what the call was about anyway, which made my initial embarrassment very unnecessary!

I have been trying to find out who had my school loan from years ago. I mean YEARS ago. It defaulted and got passed around for awhile. This company that  had gotten the loan for collection managed to actually find me since I wasn’t honest/really looking for them.

So…instead of making excuses to them, I called them back when I got home and it is all working out better than I ever imagined. I am not only in a debt rehabilitation program through them, I am repaying my loan which will eventually be pulled out of default and when I reach a certain level of repayment will be pulled off my credit report as a bad debt and relisted as a good debt.

All for $65 a month. Now…tell me that isn’t a sweet gift at the perfect time!

Oh, and more good news –> I just landed a second part time here at the beach. Yeah buddy! Now next months goal of saving, saving and saving more money in my emergency and trip home funds can happen quicker. 

Pink Balloons and Farts

I love being sick. Okay, not really but it does make for some really awesomely weird dreams.

Yesterday was a strange day. Everything in my world kept going sideways – literally. I finally made it to work after making a brief stop on the side of the road because, yes, my vision and world literally was going sideways and I didn’t want to kill myself or anyone on the road.

C covered my shift so I could go home. Made it home without killing anyone or any property damage. Crawled into bed and resurfaced this morning about 8.

Had some crazy dreams. The one I remember clearly is filling pink balloons with my farts and then releasing the balloons to float off into the sky.

Yep, crazy dreams.

I am feeling much better today. Not sure what the problem was yesterday. I’ve had this crazy crick in my neck that managed to move to the other side yesterday. No headaches or blurred vision. I am still clueless to what caused the dizziness, especially while driving or turning around too quickly. Shoot, I could even turn my head too quickly and get dizzy.

Ears don’t hurt and I can hear clearly. Throat, chest and sinuses seem to be clear and no pain or discomfort there either.

Who knows, and actually who cares if its over and done with.

Side note to my dear body: Hello, today is your day off, why couldn’t you wait until today for this happen?

Have a great Tuesday everyone!

Blah, Blah, Bleh, Bleh, Bleck

Click here for my 3in30 Goals for June

Okay, so I have no clue what bleck means but it fits my mood.

Blah, blah, blah…

Yep, that’s all I have done all day is talk, talk and talk some more. I am a mobile consultant. That’s what I do, consult. This means I listen and talk, talk and listen. Ask questions, answer questions and consult according the information gathered. Solve problems or give the customers some possible actions they can take to get solutions to carrier and/or phone issues.

I love my job. With.A.Passion.

I do a lot of thinking, too. A lot LOT of thinking. Not to the point where I am suffering from “brain burn”, just tired when I get off work and would like to do some mindless things. Things like eating, watching some boob tube and playing some games on the computer. Even just staring at the wall.

Mind like water.

Things that don’t require me to analyze a situation, do math in my head or remind myself to sit/stand up straight. Just for a little bit, that’s all I ask.

The ride home I am usually talking to myself. Unloading the day, emptying myself of phone plans, coverage maps and phone accessories. I want to come home and just not do anything.

Never happens.

Bleh, bleh, bleh…

I come home to a drunk that acts like a needy two year old, four year old – hell, a needy kid. An attention whore from hell. Granted, I still have a smile on my face and bounce in my step since it is my personality, especially when I am amazed at how much I love what I do and how much I love life.

When I get home, I can’t talk about how neat my day was, or how busy my day was or how I landed the perfect sale where the customer got exactly what they wanted/needed without any hitches. My supervisors get wind of this stuff asap and within a few minutes I am approached with a smile and a congratulations for an awesome job well done.

Not just for the sale (of course we need to sell or there is no income for the department which in turn means no jobs for any of us) but the fact that I covered every available option for the customer so they could make informed choices and be satisfied with their purchase.

Satisfied and happy customers. That is the goal.

I know that having a friend pass away is something to be dealt with, hopefully not alone.

I want to be there for my roomie when things go perpendicular when they were horizontal. However, it is not easy when I can’t even being to grasp what is really the problem. Is it the death? Is it the fact that roomie hasn’t been doing what he is suppose to do around here to keep the roof over our heads? Am I actually a problem that needs to go somewhere else?

When depression meets ADD – well, it isn’t a pretty sight. Toss in alcohol and its even more confusing, frustrating and well, just reinforces that although I don’t want to be alone I would like to be left alone. Just for a little bit.

I also have trouble figuring out what is real and what is imagined in his inebriated mind. I can’t deny that occasionally I have slight panic attacks wondering if we’ve been kicked out or if he just wants to move and get out from under this obligation of rent free for property management deal.

Drama king or would that be King Drama. Amazing how some things that are so minor can be made out to be so major, traumatic or life threatening.

He says that he can’t stand being under someone else’s thumb all the time. I know the feeling. Oh boy, do I know the feeling.

Now that I’ve spent two hours in the land of G Oz I have finally gained understanding that we have not been kicked out and that he is just drunk, tired and feeling overwhelming guilt at not stepping up to the plate regarding the duties that he has agreed to with the property owner.

Bleh.

Almost enough to knock this smile off my face, the patience out of my heart and the bounce out of my step. Almost…

I am finally unwinding. I am finally getting this crick I’ve had in my neck all day worked out, and its quiet in here other than G’s snoring. Soothing sound to me because it means he is finally sound asleep and I can write this, read a little and possible get my crops farmed on Farmville before they die.

_ _ _ _

It has been a good day. I am getting better at meeting my customers needs and wants. Handling things on my own at work with more ease. Understanding cell phones and cell phones more and more every day. I also get to meet such a wide variety of people every day. I learn so much from each and every one of them.

My immediate bills are paid, my gas tank is fuel, I have a full belly and a smile on my face. I even have a little cash left to make sure that there is fuel in my tank and for those little incidentals that always manage to pop up.

My goal for this rest of this month (3in30 Goals) is to continue to progress in my job skills, not spend money on foolish things and to keep a healthy respect for myself. This means that I will thrive in the work place, not have to panic when financial things pop up and wear a sincere smile on my face all the time. okay, maybe not while I’m sleeping – but who knows, it could happen then too!

Cold And Windy

Today it is cold again here at the beach. I am beginning to wonder if it is ever going to get warm. Better yet, stay warm when it does warm up here. Thank goodness that it was a beautiful Memorial Day weekend.

At least today it isn’t raining!

Here are some of the beautiful clouds we saw last evening while walking on the beach:

It was a little windy and I managed to end up with a ton of sand in my hair without actually rolling in the sand!

Love the beach, love New Hampshire!

Okay, so I also love my totally awesome job at Best Buy, too!

Ps. Memorial Day really sucked here at the beach. A 12 year old girl lost her life Monday. For those that pray, please keep her family in your prayers.

Kudos to the fire department for rescuing her brother, the police department for keeping the area clear during the search and to the coast guard and others that helped in the search that last 16 hours.

Also, please keep the beach go’ers that actually found her in your prayers as well.

Sad

Today I am sad.

A 12 year old girl is lost.

Lost as in they can’t find her.

I know what they are looking for today and it saddens me.

Swimming 75 yards from shore in 55 degree water, after dusk…

Yes, I am sad.

I didn’t know her.

I only know of her.

My heart breaks for her family.

A series of unfortunate events.

I don’t mean that cold.

No one took her.

She just went.

There are no answers.

How do you find acceptance?

How does this family go forward from here?

Sad day. Sad day.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation's service.¹

Please honor those that have fought for our freedom and our rights.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe weekend!

Help Restore the Traditional Day of Observance

I’m Not Your Mother

…unless you’re one of my children and reading this

You are also not my parent.

…unless you are my mother and reading this

Sometimes I wonder if you are my friend.

…unless you are reading this, because my friends read my blog

It amazes me how one person can jump into and out of, and then into another ‘role’ so quickly.

I don’t want to be anyone else’s mother. I have four children. I am their mother. No one else’s.

I also don’t want to adopt a grown person.

You are also not my parent.

I don’t need to be told what to do, what I need to be doing and what I should have done.

You want me as a friend but you don’t listen to anything I have to say. If I have a problem, you interrupt me with a problem you’re facing that is oh so much bigger and badder than mine. Thanks.

You ask how my day was, and if it is any answer other than “it was good” then off you go again. Parenting me, needing me to placate you, or just talking down to me like I am ungrateful for anything I have going for me.

Heaven forbid I ask about your day because either it is none of my business or I get an earful of grief, woe and drama.

Again, thanks.

So…I don’t talk to you often. I honestly don’t know the right thing to say at any given point in our encounters.

Then you wonder why I don’t talk to you very often.

I need a new roommate!

Hello Again!

It has been awhile since I’ve been able to blog.

I started working again, thank goodness! Going so long without working is a good way to drive yourself stir crazy and make you worry about money.

I have to say that I sincerely love my job. It is so challenging right now that I worry that I am not performing like I should so far, but I have been told that I am doing very well. Makes me feel better.

I adore how busy I am while there. Makes the day go by so fast. I also enjoy interacting with the customers a lot more than I ever dreamed that I would.

I hope that now I can begin to start blogging again. Once again I’m relearning how to balance home life and work.

I am also starting to feel some of the effects of not drawing a check for a few months.

Almost every penny that has come my way has been put into my truck’s gas tank. The hateful wench isn’t getting even the 14 mpg that she use to get. I am averaging about $8 a day to make the round trip to work. $40 a week. Doesn’t sound like too much to some, but when I only work 15 miles from home, well, that sounds really bad!

My cell phone is cut off because I can’t pay the bill. However, I will be able to get that knocked out, hopefully in a couple of weeks and be back on track there.

Then I can also focus on getting some more clothes for work and also getting my truck fixed so I can register it here.

I hope that now I am back out in the world that I can find some interesting things to blog about. Hearing about my home life is BOR-ING even to me.

I am also going to knock out those tutorials that I posted about, soon…

Drama, Drama, Drama–Revisited

Face it, we can’t live without drama. We’d be too bored and we wouldn’t do anything new.

Shame that we are under the control of drama today that we can’t find ways to amuse ourselves or new and exciting things to do without the media, government or other entity creating drama for us to keep us motivated and from becoming stagnant.

The Apocalypse didn’t happen. Pretty obvious since we’re all still here.

I had trouble trying to figure out if it was to happen at 6:00 or 6:01. I also didn’t catch the time zone, either.

After looking for this, yes googled it, I discovered that it was to begin at 6 in every time zone. Wave effect?

Now I hear that it started yesterday but won’t finish until October. Sweet, now politicians and religious leaders have their foot in the door to create more fear and play on it.

That’s how drama works. Let’s make up stuff or make little stuff really big. We love it. It keeps all the little realities of life seem manageable.

I happened to be listening to an evangelistic television program* the other night. I couldn’t help but smile.

Normal stuff dramatized to scare or encourage peeps to send more money.

Give me a business and a house and of course, I’m going to begin to thrive and not have to live in a dump (literally, this woman and her grand-daughter lived in the dump and scavenged stuff to sell/eat out of it).

Check back with me a few years later and see how I’m doing. Might be still knocking the world’s socks off. May be down and out, and losing everything again.

Just as we are better at finding fault with others, we are also more motivated to help others through their problems than we are ourselves. Obligate yourself to an extra $25 a month you don’t have to save someone and you are extra motivated to find the funds.

Yep, you have just done yourself some major good. Seriously, you aren’t going to work another job or extra hours just for that $25. You will begin to earn more than that and discover that you are getting yourself in a better place financially.

It also doesn’t hurt that you are feeling better about yourself so you begin to network more and see opportunities that you wouldn’t have when you had your head in the sand while sitting on your pity potty.

I’m not saying don’t help others. Its not only the right thing to do, it’s the natural thing to do. Not everyone is on top of their game 24/7. Sometimes we get so off our game that we do need intervention (aka help from friends and neighbors).

It also feels good to help someone else out.  No man/woman is an island. Everyone possess talents that may not benefit themselves but can really help someone else out. Use those talents, too.

The world is full of different types of people and personalities. Embrace them all. Respect them all. If we were all the same then we would all die. Face it, I don’t have the intestinal fortitude to be a doctor. Thank goodness there are those that can be a doctor, a nurse or other type health care professional. I need them.

I adore those cashiers at the retail stores, the burger flipper at my local fast food joint and the men/women that keep that bathroom clean so I can ‘go’ in a decent place. Just because we don’t have the stomach or desire to do those jobs doesn’t mean they are any less important.

If everyone was a cashier, who would I go to when I need medical or dental attention. If everyone was a doctor, who would grow, gather or package up the foods we need to eat?

Who knows when the world is going to end as we know it. Who cares? When its over and done with, its over and done with. No one will care. No one will be around to care, and those left behind will apparently be zombies so they won’t care either. Its all good.

Live today to its fullest, and be prepared that you may get a tomorrow.

Help a brother or a sister out so that they can live today to the fullest. Prepare a path for them, and yourself, for tomorrow if it comes.

I love the AA saying of “take what you can use and throw the rest away”.  This is what needs to be done with yesterday, and all the yesterdays of our lives.

Take the knowledge from those lessons learned, but don’t dwell on the lessons themselves. Kicking yourself for the next 10 years over a past mistake or misjudgments is foolish.

Focus on your mistakes and you are sure to repeat them. Focus on what you can do differently will affect good change for today.

Keep drama at a minimum or better yet, avoid it. Never ever let drama be a motivator.

Follow your heart and instincts.

If you have something to do, do it. If you have something to say, say it. (thank you Roy Masters!)

Don’t let your emotions control you. Apply the two-second rule before speaking or acting. Use those two seconds to connect to your ‘gut’. Let your instincts be your guide.

* I don’t watch tv AND don’t turn it off/change the channel when G is passed out. Don’t want to wake the beast so I suffer through or ignore whatever is on…

Beliefs

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”
~Buddha

I believed what I heard. Not all of it, but most of it.

• “You never finish anything you start”.
• “You are a horrible mother, guess you used it all up on _____.”
• “If you can’t do it right, then don’t do it at all.”

Strange that today when I look back on a few of those stumbling block comments that I heard many times growing up, and as a grown up, I want to laugh. Today I can laugh, tomorrow I might believe them again. It depends on how weak or strong my faith is at the time.

“You never finish anything you start”.

I may not be finished yet. Although I started something many years ago, doesn’t mean I’m through yet. I may have had to stop for any number of reasons. Children needed something, I didn’t have the resources at the time, someone else finished it, or maybe just maybe it wasn’t worth finishing. Oh, and that cake that I didn’t finish back in whatever year I started it wasn’t worth finishing after a kid ended up in the ER…get the picture.

AND…never is an over-used stupid word. That is right up there with no one/nobody cares about me. Everybody is doing it. Such an all-inclusive word that is so misused but yet so powerful.

“You are a horrible mother, guess you used it all up on _____.”

I am/was not a horrible mother. I have four children, and a younger brother that I thought was my baby. So, fill in the blanks with one of the earlier children’s or brother’s name…

Just like every other mother, or father, out there, its all trial and error. You do the best you can with your talents, knowledge and what is happening in your world around you at the moment. No two situations are exactly alike. No two children are exactly alike. They may be similar (refreshing to know that somewhere in this world there is at least one other person going through something almost exactly like what you are going through), to another person’s problem or issue at the moment.  I am, just a big person with kids. No super powers, super knowledge or super anything comes with being a parent. Just more responsibility and you have to love each other through it all.

“If you can’t do it right, then don’t do it at all.”

I can’t seem to do everything right. Well, it depends on who’s version of ‘right’ that I’m following. For years I never bothered to try anything new because, well, I didn’t think I could do it right. Then I realized that perfection is unattainable. If we reach perfection in some aspect today, we will discover that it can be improved upon tomorrow. And…who defines what is perfect?

Today I will try to keep my faith in following what I know to be good for myself and others. It may not be what they think they need, but if I follow my heart (gut instinct) then it will be for their good and mine. (eg: not enabling an alcoholic or drug addict; not giving in to the will of others where my best interest is concerned).

On The Path

I am on the path today. Not the path, but my path.

I am excited and nervous. I am taking this path that leads to many of my hopes, dreams and desires.

I can’t won’t draw a map. I can’t won’t put down each step, turn or exit that needs to be taken. I can only see it in front of me and need to put one foot in front of the other.

I know what needs to be done. I won’t focus on the details because I will try to manipulate things. It is best I don’t think to far ahead.

I know what needs to be done, and it has to be done step by step. Day by day. No rushing. No running. No sight-seeing along the way.

Knowing what I want is enough. Getting there will come in its time. Step by step, day by day, breath by breath if necessary.

It was revealed to me that sometimes God doesn’t reveal His plan to us because we will get ‘all in it’. Try to help.

He has already revealed the plan to me and I tucked it away. It is in me now. I only need to stay true to my path, to my goals and remain calm and focused.

I am taking the road path less taken, because I am ready for change. I am ready to be true to myself and not take my normal path that leads to unhappiness, pain and frustration.

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken, 1920

Good Things Happening!

I have been looking for work. I finally scored not only a job, but two jobs. One is with a major electronics store and the other is as a housekeeper for a local hotel. So excited, especially since the hotel is here on the beach so no driving involved. I start my main job tonight (training) and the housekeeping job Tuesday. Now to make sure that the first job is at night, which I requested, so I can do the housekeeping in the mornings. If not…well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

My youngest daughter is moving closer to her work, which will save her a lot on fuel. She is also getting her own vehicle! To top it off, she is hoping to begin studying for her pharmacy technician exam. This daughter also changed jobs right before the Memphis flood. I am so grateful because she would be out of a job right now if she hadn’t taken the leap. The casinos are closed, and so many people are out of work. I am so sorry for those that have lost so much because of the flooding.

Sea Walk, the apartment complex where I live, is getting a new roof. The owner was also named Rotary Citizen of the Year! Way to go Mr. Preston. He is such a quiet blessing to all. I am proud that he was recognized and hope that it wasn’t too traumatic to be shown how appreciated he is so publicly!

Spring is finally here at the beach. It is still very cool here. Sometimes still cold (coats can’t be put away just yet). Spring is obvious here in the small yards becoming green again and the trees and flowers blooming, but the main difference is the boardwalk coming back to life. Construction is going on everywhere here. The winterizing of everything is being undone, damage from the winter repaired and everything is being cleaned up. Exciting times ahead!

For a change, this winter ghost town is coming alive with music and laughter. We all need the change here. It can become so depressing enduring not just the endless snow we seemed to have this year, but the isolated feeling you get on the beach when you live here year-round. Color, new people and traffic. Oh yes, traffic is already building here on the beach. I won’t allow myself to complain because now this beach is not feeling so much like an island.

Yes, spring is finally here!

How Old Would You Be…

…if you didn’t know how old you are?

Sixteen, without a doubt. Still at that I know it all, yet know nothing stage. Testing the waters with the attitude that I will worry about it later.

Forever trying to figure out what I will be when I grow up, even though I’ve been many things as I’ve grown up.

Even though my children, all four of them, have already passed their 16 year old marks, I am still trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up. Still trying to figure out who I am and what I want.

Definitely 16. That wonderful age where life is still confusing, yet exciting. When I thought that there wasn’t life after 30. Maybe life after 30 was grown-up time.

Who knows, maybe I’ll act the age I know I am when I’m 100? Maybe not, I don’t want to grow up.

May? Already?!? {5.3.11}

May

I can’t believe that April came and went. Shoot, can’t believe that this year is going by so quickly. Its not like I’ve been having that much fun.

Its been a tough year so far. I’ve handle it as gracefully as I can. So far, so good. I have learned so much about myself that its both scary and encouraging.

I am having brain farts memory  lapses so I can’t remember too many specific dates, but I do know that I haven’t:

• had a drink or blackout in months
• have totally withdrawn and adjusted to being off my anti-depressants
• had a job and let it go
• scored another job, and have another job interview scheduled
• feel better about my self, my life and physically
• sleep better
• and even though I don’t know where I’ll be in the future my present is pretty good.

I do have moments of near panic about not having started work yet, out of money and still living with a raging alcoholic.

The last one being my straw on the camel’s back when the attacks try to surface.

What I’ve Learned

The biggest thing I’ve learned, okay so not the biggest but one of them, is that even when things get scary they will all work out. I will be okay.

Another big thing I’ve learned is that PKS {Princess Kay Syndrome} is a huge problem with me and as I work on it I realize that I can survive beautifully, and be even more happy without all the fluff and dander that I think I miss.

3in30

Goals for May (@3in30) aren’t set yet. I keep posting what I want to work on for a particular month, never happens to work out that way. I find other things to work on instead.

The Four Agreements

I am reading The Four Agreements. I am not sure if you are suppose to read the whole thing then work on each agreement or just read and work a section at a time. I am working on a section at a time.

I have reach a point with the First Agreement “Be impeccable with your word”, where it is coming more naturally to actually mean what I say and follow through on it. I still catch myself saying something that can be a temporary truth, and the rest of the truth not be said aloud. I have lived my life with a backdoor {aka escape route} long enough. Not every situation needs an out. Having a plan B is smart, counting on plan B to replace plan A makes plan A a lie or a temporary truth.

I will work on this. I will not kick myself when I lie or half-truth things. I will just make myself aware and start again. Correct the mistake when possible and then go forward. The hardest times to do this, I find, are when I am cornered. I say things to get people off my back or just what I wish I would/could do.

The Second Agreement is “Don’t take anything personally”. This is a hard one. Especially when you are being attacked emotionally, physically or financially. I mean, how do you not take it personally when someone hits you or as the books says “shoots you in the face”? I try to relate it to a dog turning on someone. Then again, my left brain goes into the mindset that we are humans, not dogs. Can’t leash, tie-out or crate another human when they’re being mean. Hard enough to keep criminals crated much less just plain old mean people.

I guess I am getting this one since I don’t have crying spells like I did last week, the week before…

I am not taking things personally as often. Before if I didn’t cry I would get angry and lash out. Now I just, well, don’t react and sometimes don’t even respond to things that use to eat at me.

The best part is that I don’t try to analyze why someone might be acting that way to me. Its not mine to deal with in any form or fashion.

PKS

…aka Princess Kay Syndrome, rears its ugly head a lot in my life. Having no money to blow is revealing to me how foolishly I spend money when I have it.

I actually said to hell with it today and got the quotes for my windshield, exhaust tip replacement and state inspection costs.

Sounds normal, but in my PKS brain I want to get my nails done, have my eyebrows waxed, order a pizza, buy a new camera, pay my cell phone bill and get a pedicure. Maybe a massage to boot.

I haven’t checked on pricing before because I was afraid of how much it would cost {too much} and would say to hell with it anyway and feed the PKS in me instead.

Now that I’ve done that, I know where I stand and how achievable it is, if I can keep PKS at bay.

Forcing myself into this position has been hard {quitting my job knowing that another one in hand would be the best choice} but {Behold the Underlying Truth} I needed this time – in my face, up close and personal, live and in color to get my head on straight.

However, throwing myself in these situations isn’t the best route. Sometimes its necessary to hit your bottom before you realize where you need to go. Throwing yourself down on a regular basis isn’t healthy and I will take different actions from now on! I’m such a brat, even to myself.

Plans For The Future

• Work on setting my 3in30 goals for this month
• Practice the First and  Second Agreements
• Stay sober
• Start work
• Keep this job, and score a second job to equal a full time job
• Write tutorials for creating Blackberry themes
• Create and publish WordPress and web site themes for download
• Rebuild my web design business
• Refresh my memory of Spanish
• Learn more Spanish and possibly French
• Head down South to see everyone – for how long? undetermined
• Be impeccable with my word
• Don’t take anything personally

New Mom

Today is a special day for me.

Twenty-seven  years ago I became a mother for the first time.

I find myself trying to brush off these mushy feelings by thinking about just how old this makes me, but…

I can’t go there. Yes, I’m old. No, I don’t want a do-over.

I think things turned out pretty good. Aside from my mistakes, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Even then,  changing my mistakes could take away the most precious things in my life – my children.

I won’t risk that.

I liked being a new mom so much that I did it 3 more times.

I’m not an excellent mom, perfect mom or even an average mom.

Today I am simply a very proud mom.

Happy Birthday to Lee, and Happy New Mom Day to me.

Fabulous Friday {4.29.11}

It is a beautiful morning here at the beach. The sun is shining, no rain and no wind. Simply beautiful.

I am excited for Kate and William. I can’t imagine having to get married that publicly though. Not just a church full of guests, but so many all over the world watching it as well. I didn’t watch it. I listened to it, but didn’t watch it.

Not because I don’t love weddings, but because I can’t allow myself to fall into the fairy tale idea of love. Doesn’t work that way for this chick!

I’m the chick in the horror movies you scream at to don’t open that door!, don’t answer the phone!, or run you idiot, run!

I do {open the door}, I do {answer the phone} and I don’t {run}…

I am also the person who will believe you, ev-er-y time, until I realize it is a lie. Trust you until you give me reason not to, forgive the last time and repeat…

I catch myself saying what my oldest said to me when I was constantly saying what he wanted to hear instead of what I was capable or willing to actually do: “it’s okay, I’m use to it”.

The shoe is on the other foot, fits but doesn’t feel well and is just, well, ugly.

“Don’t listen to the drunk,” said the drunk.  I’ll learn this one, soon – hopefully, especially since they are drunk 99% of the time.

My father once told me that I must go looking for trouble because not that much trouble could find me on it's own.

I don’t understand why I do that, either. Is it self-punishment or possibly the challenge? Sometimes I think it is both.

I did manage to score a job yesterday. Go me! I am excited, too. It has created a few problems – no, it has revealed a few problems that I will overcome. I have time before I start. Waiting on the background check that can take 10-30 days. It only took five days with Goodwill so am keeping my fingers crossed that it will only take five again, not the 30 days that some have to wait.

In my heart I know that I will be blessed with what I need when it is time. Seems that Mother Earth and Father God are very aware of my spending habits. They protect me from myself and provide it when I actually need it.

Have a wonderful and blessed Friday!

Wordless Wednesday

As We All Know…

I have this fascination with the Seabrook Power Plant. I sit at the Harbor across from it almost every day to write.

{click on any image to see the larger view}

I decided that I wanted to learn more about nuclear power and well, more about this plant in particular since it is 3 miles from my apartment {as the crow flies} and 7 miles by road.

I discovered that they have The Science and Nature Center there, its free and the Science Center explains about the plant and how the energy is produced.

Amazed.Is.An.Understatement.

After being checked in through the guard shack – yes, it is on the same premises that the actual power plant lives, you are handed an emergency evacuation sheet. You know, in case there is an emergency there – like that ever happens at nuclear plants {insert sarcasm here…}, head about 1/4 a mile down a little road you find parking lot D, and the center.

Your first step is to sign in, and then take a few turns following green arrows, and then step into a simulator. Don’t get too excited, it only simulates the ride down to where the real stuff takes place.

I didn’t get too many pictures. Hard to take them when you have to remind yourself to close your mouth. A lot of information to absorbed as well.

I found myself counting streets up to see where the pipes were in relation to my apartment. I am on C Street (north of Seabrook) and the pipes are approximately 5000 feet off of K street to the east.

Okay, past that fascination on to the next area – fish and stuff!

There was a tank where you could handle the ocean life. I didn’t get any pictures 1) hands were wet from playing in the water, 2) figured my clumsy self would drop my phone in there and the lobster wouldn’t let me have it back…

It was a great time for me and I can’t wait to go back. I will walk the Nature Center’s Owascoag* Trail when the weather is better.

*The Land Of Many Grasses

I was in a great mood when I left, and this made it even better:

What I’ve Learned From The Easter Bunny

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey…

Learning Through Play, But Not Playing At Learning

As I walk down this road of personal development and discovery {other’s would call it my path to self-destruction} I am finding out a lot of things about myself that I really {as in REALLY} dislike about myself.

Because we learn so much through play, have come up with a new little game that I call B ‘n G. This is short for Butt ‘n Gut.

“Judge not lest ye be judged” isn’t correct. Maybe it is but I am finding that we are quicker to judge others when we are being judged. You judge me, and I will judge you back or someone else. Vicious circle of judgment going on around this world of ours. Shame. Shame on me, shame on everyone else that plays this ‘game’.

We judge others because we don’t want to take a look at ourselves. Our own ‘flaws’ whether they are real, imagined or just plain dramatized. More times than not, we are actually judging a quality or character trait that we ourselves have, but don’t want to face. It’s easier to see it and point it out in someone else.

I have never had much of a butt. I have carried the nickname BCNAAT from 1981 (first marriage). I have a Bad Case No Ass A ‘Tal. Now I have one. It isn’t pretty unless fully clothed. I have cellulite – aka dimple butt. I try not to be upset since I am a little very excited to actually have a butt now!

I have also prided myself on having a flat stomach. Even when I was pregnant you could see my hip bones (if you could avert your gaze past my gi-normous belly). That has recently changed. Upsets me to no end. Oh, change is good but NOT when it comes to this belly of mine {and my vanity rearing its ugly head again}.

So today, when I find myself judging others, I say “Butt ‘n Gut” to myself to remind me of things I, personally, need to work on about myself. Turn the focus back on myself instead of judging others.

I have chosen two things that I absolutely have control over. I can change these, if I really wanted to change them.

If I hear someone upset over their weight, and I see what they are eating I will try not to judge them. Butt ‘n Gut fits perfectly here. We are, instead, of kindred souls. We prefer to complain about it than do anything about it. Worse yet, we prefer to point out our flaws as we see them instead of changing them.

It is also helping me to learn to allow others who choose to try to push their character or physical flaw judging onto me, do so without it affecting me and my view of myself. In other words, not take it personally. Oh, I will do a quick check to see if it applies to me, and then I name it (flaw), claim it (not mine or not mine) and let it go.

I, like so many others, have so many faults, flaws and character defects that I dwell on as it is. I honestly don’t need help from others in seeing them and I certainly don’t want to be like those particular ‘others’ and damage someone further than they already are damaged simply by existing in this crazy world we live in today.

So, if you choose to play along, find two things about yourself that you could change {if you really wanted to change them}, and let that be your catch phrase when you find yourself wanting to judge someone else.

PS. This little ‘game’ is amazing in that it bleeds over onto other areas of your life through your subconscious. Like FlyLady and her ‘shine your sink’ ends up bleeding over into the rest of your housecleaning without you even realizing it.

I’m Sorry

This post is for my first child, Lee.

As I stood in the kitchen this morning getting a verbal berating from my roommate, I had a flashback to a previous time in my life.

 

You just broke your child. Congratulations. (post by Single Dad Laughing)

Read it, or don’t... The title says enough, the article makes it painfully clear.

I am not a sane person. I am an emotional cripple. My parents didn’t break me. I was just born with a fragile ego.

My problem, and is a sad sad sad excuse for my behavior over my lifetime. Excuse, mind you, not a reason for my behaviors.

I remember the day today just as clearly as if it were yesterday. No, that’s not true. I remember it as though it just happened.

My life was in chaos. We had just built a house, I had just had Elizabeth, and my father had passed away. My marriage was faltering on the edge. I was insane.

Everyone around me suffered. I tried to numb the guilt of my insanity inability to cope with alcohol. It numbed me, but not my mouth and my ability to lash out at everyone and everything around me.

At the time, I literally hated my husband John. Hated him with a passion. I don’t understand why. He worked hard to provide for us. He was a good husband and father. I think I hated him because he couldn’t fix me. Couldn’t fix what I was going through.

Lee wasn’t much older than 3 years old. Maybe 4. I don’t remember that part clearly. I do remember constantly letting Lee know how much I despised his father. How much I hated him and wished he were dead. Yes, that angry and petty.

I do remember me crying all the time. I remember Lee trying to make me feel better. I remember when John would try to shake me out of my funks (verbally, he was a kind and gentle man physically) Lee would stand between me and his father and scream to John to “leave my mommy alone”. What a burden for such a young soul. He was trying to champion his mommy.

Then I did it. I broke my child. Lee was being a normal toddler and it got on my nerves. I said, “you remind me of your father.”

Fuck.

The look on his face said everything. I can still his face today. Congratulations Kay, you just broke your child.

I tried to take it back. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t mean it that way. It was too late.

The look on his face said that he wished I had killed him instead of that. Beat him. ANYTHING but that.

I left shortly after. I had to leave. I was slowly destroying my family.

Lee, I left you, Elizabeth and your father so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore. I couldn’t trust myself to not do it again.  I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you. I left because I hated what I had become.

God had given me the most precious gift in the world, and I was killing you emotionally.

Lee, can you ever forgive me?

Thursday Randomness

Only because it is Thursday and my ADD is kicking in worse than usual.

Why does my hair, when it grows out from me using clippers, insist of turning into a mullet? I mean, seriously, just because I’m from Mississippi doesn’t mean my hair has to look like it. Bad enough I’m in the North with a thick, sickly sweetened Southern accent.

When growing up I constantly heard that I needed to stop worrying about things later and worrying about them now AND “don’t worry, give it to God”  or “worrying is a sin”, yet I gave Him my phone bill and it still isn’t paid. So, do I worry or not? Come on peoples, pick one so I know what to do.

Sad when I think that my two favorite retorts today are “It appears that alcohol was involved.” and “It appears that a man was involved.” Worse when they become “It appears that alcohol and a man were involved.”

My mother didn’t call me on my birthday. Okay, so we have been playing phone tag since Saturday and it makes me worry that I haven’t been able to get in touch with her or received a call since Monday. I am trying not to worry, but that isn’t going well.

Strange how when you’re home you want to be somewhere else. When you are somewhere else, you want to be at home. WTF?

I worry constantly about my weight, yet wish I was heavier when these winds up here kick it up to 25mph or more. I asked to borrow a friend’s bike the other day and with today’s winds I’m rethinking the idea that I will ride instead of drive. Definitely disastrous results if I go there. I could be like that old lady in the Wizard of Oz…

And…why can I not get rid of this belly pooch. I am thin except for this belly. It has gone from just being a little overhang on my jeans to a brand – Dunlap. Ugh. I appear to be in my first trimester, at 49? I am practicing a new posture technique I call ‘suck a gut’.

My daughter and best friend are having lunch together today. I am jealous.

The sun is deceptive today here in New Hampshire. Its still freaking cold out there.

Okay, so I’m bored with this so ta-ta for now!

And…The Last 16 Years + 1

1995 – 2011

I know these are probably not the most interesting blog posts in the world. I will be honest, they are for me. Just taking a little walk back through time to get over this oh my f-ing gawd I’m freakin’ 49 now burning daylight and accomplished what????? over the past 49 years deal.

In 1995 I decided that my children needed more than I could give them. Honestly, I was in dire need of some assistance from my family and friends. I was losing it again, and fast.

I had been away from Memphis so long that moving back there was damned near traumatic. I had been living in small towns and to move back to the city was a little overwhelming.  The city had changed so much I didn’t know where things were anymore.

I probably cried for the first week I was back home.

Scored a total awesome job at a logistics warehouse, got my own place and settled in. My goal was to remain single and just be a mom. Seriously, after two failed marriages you begin to question your ability to choose a proper mate.

That is when I met my third, yes I did it again, husband.

We married in 1999, and stayed married for almost 12 years. How he managed to stomach me that long, well I’ll never know although I’m sure him being out of town 50% of the time didn’t hurt. During that time we did have a ton of fun. Bought a house, bought a lot of different cars along the way and I had an excellent father-figure for my children.

Not much happened to me other than being a mom. I loved every minute of it. My kids, their friends, the constant activity...even the drama was a wonderful part of this time. Okay, so sometimes the drama led me to take anti-depressants, but only because Miss Fix-It Want To Make The World A Perfect Place couldn’t fix-it or make it a perfect place.

I attempted college again. Only to stress out and quit after the first year. I honestly had no idea what I want to be when I grew up, grew up and still clueless.

I became a grandmother {total awesomeness}. Saw my oldest marry. Watched my children grow and evolve into their awesome selves. 

Last year, after my divorce from my wonderful husband (no sarcasm here – do not attempt to add any either or I will have to kick proverbial butt) I moved my insane self to New Hampshire to experience the New England states and have myself a real winter.

THIS is what my blog is about. My adventures here and my new life. I am still the same person, just relocated the my insanity.

I still don’t know where I’ve been, what I am doing or what the future holds for me.

I seem to be repeating my life over and over again in 16 year periods. So it appears that this next 16 years, if given them, I will be reborn (moved to New Hampshire), experience a lot of drama, mess up my life, get and lose jobs, move around a lot, regret my mistakes, make them again, and write about it all.

I am, after all, a creature of habit. The only difference is now I have a blog instead of countless journals…

The Second 16 Years

Years 16-32 of my life? (1978-1994) Wow, this is where my life started getting stranger and stranger.

Let’s see, the discovery of alcohol and drugs, boyfriends, sex, racing my car, concerts, jobs, marriage, children … and the death of my father.

When I was 16, we moved from my childhood home on Joslyn to Lake Windermere.

That move was traumatic to me. I didn’t want to leave our home. I wanted to stay with my friends. I didn’t want change – even if it did include me having a phone in my room and my own half bath. Dad also threw in a small sail boat to sweeten the deal.

 

I also had my choice of waiting until I graduated to get a new car or I could take my older brother’s old car. I opted for the second one – you know, that instant gratification deal. Not to mention it was a totally sweet car!

Okay, so maybe my parents did spoil me a little bit.

After graduation, I worked for a year and then I got married. Had a couple of pretty awesome kids, bought a house, sold it, bought land and built a house, my father passed away and then I lost my mind. Ended up crawling into a bottle of cheap wine and getting divorced.

I then lived in a trailer (as in trailer not mobile home) and worked in a bar. Nice part about working there is getting a good look through the regulars there at myself. Sobered up, and moved on with my life.

Married again, had two more awesome kids and ended up divorced. I won’t post the details here but the marriage wasn’t pretty.

Survived an assault on my life.

Went to college for the first time in my life. I took general auto mechanics. Instead of going for computer programming as planned, my truck had just blown a head gasket and auto mechanics seemed to be the course I needed to take. Although I don’t do this for a living, it has been an asset in my life more often than not.

Whew, and that isn’t even when it gets the weirdest…

The First 16 Years

Yes, today is my birthday. I am actually happy today and excited about it all.

Here is something that is being reposted on Facebook:

My curfew was the street lights and my parents didn't call my cell, they yelled "time to come in".
I played outside with friends, not online.
If I didn't eat what was made for me, then I didn't eat.
Hand sanitizer didn't exist, but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap.
You got up before 8 am, otherwise you were burning daylight.
Re-post if you drank water out of a garden hose and survived!!

It goes along with some of the major things I remember about my life – the awesome stuff anyway!

I don’t know what our financial status was growing up. I’m guessing upper middle class? We never did without, but we also did without.

Some things I remember are pay cash for everything but your home, never buy a cemetery plot since you don’t know where you will end up, buy only what you can afford, buy the best you can afford and if you can throw money at it to fix it – throw money at it. I don’t remember ever going hungry or not having health care when I needed it. I also remember not having anything and everything that I wanted, either. I knew people that had money. They were pretty obvious about it. I believe we did, too. My parents just weren’t frivolous.

Sodas were a treat and we didn’t go out to eat often. We did only on Sunday afternoons and for special occasions. On those special occasions we wore our nice clothes and I think our parents were gradually testing our ability to behave in nice restaurants/public and our knowledge of what fork to use during a specific course. Yes, some of these restaurants were very nice.

Okay so that ‘throw money at it’ still baffles me. Probably because I, personally, rarely have money to spend on regular stuff much less throw money at problems to fix them. I, unlike my parents, have no financial sense.

Some of my favorite memories of childhood involve riding bikes, climbing trees and playing with the neighborhood kids in our yard.

Mom always kept popsicles in the freezer out in the storage room. She said she did it so the kids would gather there and she would always know where her kids were. Smart mommy.

We had the trampoline, jungle gym and the best yard for football in the neighborhood! {all before suing your neighbor became a problem when someone got hurt}

I was the middle child. Not such a bad thing when your siblings are brothers and you are a tom-boy.

We would go to Arkansas and camp out. Eventually we ended up with a trailer on the property. The long walks down to the creek to swim (and bath – brrrrr). Mom and dad would challenge us to see who could catch the first crawdad. Yep, they were sneaky in how they got us to just jump in that cold creek! Mom said she thought that the cold water surely would kill whatever the soap didn’t!

Family time! Omgosh! We had more fun. I actually, living in Tennessee, knew my Texas family so well. Either we were in Texas, or they were in Tennessee or better yet, playing with us in Arkansas.

My father coached football and my older brother played. I didn’t mind going to games because I would just play in the dirt or on the school playground. Never really got into the game itself, although I did go to Memphis State games with my father (now it’s the University of Memphis) and my older brother’s games.

In appreciation of my father working with the youth sports, he was gifted a professional outdoor basketball goal. It was an exciting day when they came out with a huge crane and other equipment to install it at our home. From then on, if we weren’t playing kick the can, riding our bikes or playing tackle football in the yard we were playing basketball in our driveway.

We swam at the YMCA. Eventually, due to my father’s love of golf, we joined a country club. I don’t think that lasted too terribly long. My family didn’t fit the Country Club scene, but boy did we enjoy swimming lesson, the diving pool and the ride in the back of the pickup there! Yes, we rode in the back of the pickup.

I learned to drive that truck. I learned first in an old Volkswagen semi-automatic. No silly peoples, not a gun, a car! You had to shift it, but it didn’t have a clutch. Then I moved up to the truck. Dad believed that if you could drive a stick (standard shift) then you could drive anything. This was a wise move on my father’s part since I had been put in more than one situation where I needed to drive a stick (2001, 24’ moving van…).

I don’t remember accomplishing anything major during  my 16 years of life. I did survive. Survived playing in the woods, playing in creeks, climbing trees, riding bikes and my parents survived me learning to drive.

My Mind

…is a scary place

I don’t recommend anyone trying to get in there. I have enough trouble getting back out and can only imagine what kind of trauma it would cause someone else to end up in there.

I go through moments where I am stuck between being so sad and then to being okay with everything. Doc says I’m a depressive personality. Mom says I am just a sad soul. People around me just say I’m spoiled and think I’m a princess.

It has a ‘label’ –> Depressive Personality Disorder.

I don’t have depression all the time. It comes in waves. Usually marked by a particular event in my past. Sometimes it is marked by an upcoming event. Again, triggering events from the past.

I am discovering a lot about these triggers in my job search. Those questionnaires that you fill out online are hard to answer at times. For a given situation do they mean in everyday life or on the job? See, I usually handle work differently than I do personal events. But…eventually my personal life and emotions will overwhelm me and then it affects my job.

I also realize that these questionnaires are what make it so hard for me to apply online instead of in person (which strangely is becoming the norm, I am told to apply online more times than not).

Do I have five (5) or more of these traits¹?

1. usual mood is dominated by dejection, gloominess, cheerlessness, joylessness, unhappiness;
2. self-concept centers around beliefs of inadequacy, worthlessness, and low self-esteem;
3. is critical, blaming, and derogatory toward self;
4. is brooding and given to worry;
5. is negativistic, critical, and judgmental toward others;
6. is pessimistic;
7. is prone to feeling guilty or remorseful.

Yes. Numbers 3, 4, 6 at times, and definitely 7. When the mood hits me hard, #1 is my total mood. Thank goodness it isn’t my usual mood.

Now that I am becoming more and more aware of my moods and what effect it has on those around me I can begin working on changing this.

I will call this the Princess Syndrome. Now to bring this Princess back to reality and keep her there.

When Life Keeps Kicking You

Kick back comes to mind.

Kick back? As in kick it back, like in the face kind of kick back or put your feet up and relax kind of kick back?

I’m in a funk. I am trying to remember some of the positive things I’ve accomplished in my life. Yes, life has kicked me repeatedly and yes, I am down and it still keeps kicking me.

I don’t want to lose hope. I am finding it hard to not shed a tear at the smallest unkind word.

I overheard a conversation between two lovers.

Him: “Why can’t you come?”

Her: “I already came, what more do you want from me?”

Him: “I want you to come again. What’s wrong with you?”

Silence

WTF!?

It, strange I know, reminds me of similar conversations I have with people I know.

I am having trouble finding work. The comments that hurt worse than anything right now are “you are so techie, you should do something with computers” and “quit messing around and find something, anything”.

The first one is a no brainer. I am techier than most people that I know. I am not, however, a specialist in anything computer related. I just have enough knowledge to get me by.

The second one cuts like a knife. I have put in applications for everything from tech to fast food. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

All I can think of is “what is wrong with me?”

I am trying not to lose hope.

What I am facing has me as a stand-still. Like my youngest son, I am without transportation. I have a truck, but my tags are about to expire. I am also out of money, and out of fuel. I try to be grateful that I have a roof over my head and food in the apartment, but…

All my applications either have to be put in online or by mail now. Next problem, what if someone calls for an interview? How in the heck am I going to get there? Walk. I will walk. What’s a 10 mile walk anyway? Not to mention that I haven’t had any hits on my applications or resumes as it is.

I am trying not to lose hope.

I am trying not to cry. “Don’t play the girl card, Kay.”

I Hate April

Okay, so I don’t totally hate April. Just really dislike it a lot.

~

Today is the 30th anniversary of my first marriage.  I remember it as if it were yesterday.

We ran off to get married. It was a nightmare. Trying to get blood tests and find a justice of the peace wasn’t easy. My best friend met us at the JP’s place of regular employment (a warehouse) and we got hitched.

He was wearing his usual western shirt, wrangler jeans and cowboy boots. I had on my regular tee shirt, Levi jeans and Nike tennis shoes.

I don’t remember our divorce date. It was sometime in July seven years later.

It wasn’t a totally failed marriage. We have two beautiful children.

When he passed away a few years ago, I cried more than I dreamed I could cry. Once you truly love someone, even if you can’t stay married, you always love that person.

~

Ten days ago would have been the 12th anniversary of my last marriage. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

All four of the children were there. We had to find a JP immediately because it was rare that all four of my children would be together with me for a weekend. My oldest son was the witness. Such a special day.

I know our divorce date, only because we haven’t been divorced long and I still have a copy of the final decree on my computer.

~

There is a marriage in between those two. I still care about him, but honestly have no contact with him. We were married in January so he doesn’t fit my ‘I hate April’ scheme.

The only good thing about that marriage that I remember is that we have two beautiful children.

~

My birthday is coming up. I don’t like my birthday.

It is in a crazy, memory filled month and it also is a constant reminder of just how old I am. How many hopes, dreams and goals that I still haven’t realized in my life.

As the saying goes “I’m burning daylight”, and still don’t have a plan to achieve any of them.

~

On the good side of April, it marks Spring taking its grasp on the world. A time of renewal and growth.

It marks the anniversary of my son and his beautiful wife’s marriage.

It also holds the birthday of my precious grandson.