May? Already?!? {5.3.11}

May

I can’t believe that April came and went. Shoot, can’t believe that this year is going by so quickly. Its not like I’ve been having that much fun.

Its been a tough year so far. I’ve handle it as gracefully as I can. So far, so good. I have learned so much about myself that its both scary and encouraging.

I am having brain farts memory  lapses so I can’t remember too many specific dates, but I do know that I haven’t:

• had a drink or blackout in months
• have totally withdrawn and adjusted to being off my anti-depressants
• had a job and let it go
• scored another job, and have another job interview scheduled
• feel better about my self, my life and physically
• sleep better
• and even though I don’t know where I’ll be in the future my present is pretty good.

I do have moments of near panic about not having started work yet, out of money and still living with a raging alcoholic.

The last one being my straw on the camel’s back when the attacks try to surface.

What I’ve Learned

The biggest thing I’ve learned, okay so not the biggest but one of them, is that even when things get scary they will all work out. I will be okay.

Another big thing I’ve learned is that PKS {Princess Kay Syndrome} is a huge problem with me and as I work on it I realize that I can survive beautifully, and be even more happy without all the fluff and dander that I think I miss.

3in30

Goals for May (@3in30) aren’t set yet. I keep posting what I want to work on for a particular month, never happens to work out that way. I find other things to work on instead.

The Four Agreements

I am reading The Four Agreements. I am not sure if you are suppose to read the whole thing then work on each agreement or just read and work a section at a time. I am working on a section at a time.

I have reach a point with the First Agreement “Be impeccable with your word”, where it is coming more naturally to actually mean what I say and follow through on it. I still catch myself saying something that can be a temporary truth, and the rest of the truth not be said aloud. I have lived my life with a backdoor {aka escape route} long enough. Not every situation needs an out. Having a plan B is smart, counting on plan B to replace plan A makes plan A a lie or a temporary truth.

I will work on this. I will not kick myself when I lie or half-truth things. I will just make myself aware and start again. Correct the mistake when possible and then go forward. The hardest times to do this, I find, are when I am cornered. I say things to get people off my back or just what I wish I would/could do.

The Second Agreement is “Don’t take anything personally”. This is a hard one. Especially when you are being attacked emotionally, physically or financially. I mean, how do you not take it personally when someone hits you or as the books says “shoots you in the face”? I try to relate it to a dog turning on someone. Then again, my left brain goes into the mindset that we are humans, not dogs. Can’t leash, tie-out or crate another human when they’re being mean. Hard enough to keep criminals crated much less just plain old mean people.

I guess I am getting this one since I don’t have crying spells like I did last week, the week before…

I am not taking things personally as often. Before if I didn’t cry I would get angry and lash out. Now I just, well, don’t react and sometimes don’t even respond to things that use to eat at me.

The best part is that I don’t try to analyze why someone might be acting that way to me. Its not mine to deal with in any form or fashion.

PKS

…aka Princess Kay Syndrome, rears its ugly head a lot in my life. Having no money to blow is revealing to me how foolishly I spend money when I have it.

I actually said to hell with it today and got the quotes for my windshield, exhaust tip replacement and state inspection costs.

Sounds normal, but in my PKS brain I want to get my nails done, have my eyebrows waxed, order a pizza, buy a new camera, pay my cell phone bill and get a pedicure. Maybe a massage to boot.

I haven’t checked on pricing before because I was afraid of how much it would cost {too much} and would say to hell with it anyway and feed the PKS in me instead.

Now that I’ve done that, I know where I stand and how achievable it is, if I can keep PKS at bay.

Forcing myself into this position has been hard {quitting my job knowing that another one in hand would be the best choice} but {Behold the Underlying Truth} I needed this time – in my face, up close and personal, live and in color to get my head on straight.

However, throwing myself in these situations isn’t the best route. Sometimes its necessary to hit your bottom before you realize where you need to go. Throwing yourself down on a regular basis isn’t healthy and I will take different actions from now on! I’m such a brat, even to myself.

Plans For The Future

• Work on setting my 3in30 goals for this month
• Practice the First and  Second Agreements
• Stay sober
• Start work
• Keep this job, and score a second job to equal a full time job
• Write tutorials for creating Blackberry themes
• Create and publish WordPress and web site themes for download
• Rebuild my web design business
• Refresh my memory of Spanish
• Learn more Spanish and possibly French
• Head down South to see everyone – for how long? undetermined
• Be impeccable with my word
• Don’t take anything personally