Splendiferous Saturday

I have to admit that I am very sore from my first full day at work yesterday. The job isn’t that hard other than it requires a lot of repetition, lifting and sorting. I like the sorting part.

Another nice thing is that although I’m a ‘casual’ employee, working only 19 hours a week, I am working 38-39 hours this week. I honestly hope that I can keep up with the apartment, cooking and working. I’m sure that I will get the hang of it again even though it has been 10 years since I’ve had a full time job.

Even though I was exhausted when I got home, I felt great. It was nice to be out of the apartment doing something productive for myself and giving me an income.

I even opened my checking account today so my checks can be direct deposited. I’m becoming a resident here one step at a time. I still get excited about the progress as I make this my permanent home.

I went into to get fuel earlier and the cashier asked me “where did you get that accent?” I laughed and told her Mississippi. She didn’t spell it for me like most people do, she just told me that she moved here from Nashville, TN and has been here 20 years. She still loves it here, too.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday!

Thoughtful Thursday

I have a friend that I am so proud of today. She made a decision to change her life and leaped. I mean leaped!

She has moved out of her old ‘comfort’ zone and into what will eventually become truly comfortable. Overwhelmed is an understatement for her.

Not only has she moved out of an abusive situation, she has also started a new job. A new apartment, new job, new life. Amazing and such and inspiration. Keep your chin up B! Once the dust clears you will see that you have afforded yourself an opportunity to live your life to its fullest.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have spent the day being grateful for my new life. It is the first Thanksgiving that I haven’t spent in the Mid-South with my family.

And, because I am totally alone right now (G is working out of town) I have spent the day taking care of some things that will only enhance my life here. I took apart the coffee table, cleaned it up, glued it all back where it was coming apart and now waiting on the legs to dry (re-glued them into place) so I can finish assembling it. A rocking and rolling coffee table just isn’t my thing.

I have also taken apart the vacuum cleaner and got it back into ‘new’ working condition. Strange how a little maintenance can go a long way! I can’t replace these things because this is a furnished apartment so fixing what is here makes it home.

I have also spent a good part of the day burning my movies onto disks. That seems to be the most time consuming thing I’ve done all day. Thank goodness I just set it up and the computer takes care of the rest. I’ve burnt a total of 4 disks – all day long. Yep, takes a minute…

Now that I kind-of sort-of have an internet connection I plan to farm a little, check my email and spend the rest of the day reading my new book.

Have a great day everyone!

Zen Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is when many people will be gathered around the table with family and/or friends. It isn’t uncommon for everyone at the table to proclaim something that they are thankful, which is a beautiful touch for the occasion.

What I want to stress for this day, and every day of our lives, is the Zen of giving thanks (being grateful). It may sound strange at first, and feel extremely strange when you start doing it but stick with it. It will keep a smile on your face and a lightness in your heart all year. You don’t have to be dramatic or take any extra time doing this. Just being aware.

Be grateful for everything that you touch today, and every day forward. Setting a table is a great place to start, or washing dishes. Think about the dishes as you place or wash them for serving you and those around you. Think about the silverware, the glasses, the plates, the pots and pans that you prepare the food in…

All of these small utensils that we use almost every day of our lives have and will continue to serve us in the ways that are truly important to us. Everything from clothing to coffee cups are things that make our lives easier and more enjoyable.

It won’t take long before you begin to see that even in times when we start to lose hope, we truly have so many things for which to be grateful. Many of these things go beyond what is necessary to live.

In just the last five minutes I have walked to the coffee maker (grateful for the machine that brews the beverage that I adore), poured coffee into my coffee mug (grateful for the mug to hold the beverage that I adore) and sat at the table (thank goodness I don’t have to sit on the floor and have a place to work on my computer), and typed on my computer (grateful for a computer), and put on a jacket to cut the chill (thank you jacket for keeping me warm).

It does feel strange when you begin doing this, but I promise you that if you try it you will see just how full our lives are with wonderful, helpful things.

May every day of your lives be Thanksgiving!

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday Ten

Yep, its that time again. I get to gripe or praise 10 things on my blog today. Woot! I’m in a pissy mood so guess what it is going to be. Why am I in a pissy mood? Do you really want to know?

 

 

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1. I haven’t felt well in awhile. It isn’t the weather causing it. It is people. Yes people. I know that if you don’t work that you don’t get paid and then you can’t pay people you owe, yada yada yada… However, is it absolutely necessary for you, at the height of your cold, flu or virus, to come into work and breathe on everyone around you? There are a few precautions you can take to not share the love, namely use your sick days for when you are sick, period. I don’t mean sick of your job, sick of your kids, sick of your husband or just don’t feel well. When you are sick and contagious, stay your sick ass at home. If you can’t stay at home, stay your sick ass away from your co-workers and customers.

2. I can’t figure out why in the hell two headstrong people think they can live peacefully under the same roof every single day of their lives. If there are two bedrooms, two people and four beds – plus a couch, hell yes I’m going to sleep in another bed or on the couch when you piss me off. WTF makes you think I want to snuggle up to your ornery ass when you’re in a pissy mood and so am I. Its for your safety, not punishment.

3. I love gadgets and the electronic information world out there. It fascinates me. Just because you choose not to jump in and join the fun doesn’t make me a snob or a geek or anything else. I have no problem with others who choose to use a can and string to communicate – I choose otherwise. I can’t seem to keep up with a planner anymore but somehow manage to keep up with my phone. Why not have all the bells and whistles on it? When you have as much going on in my head as I do, I need a little help with reminders and access to all the other conveniences and information at will.

And…after dissing me for having these things don’t call me wanting me to Google something for you from my phone. Why would I want to pet a dog that just bit me?

4. People who constantly need to borrow money. One, I just started working and no I don’t have any money. Two, I am not going to ask other people for you – especially when I know that you haven’t paid them back the gazillion dollars that you have already borrowed – see #5.

5. People who don’t understand what the word borrow means. Here is the definition for those that don’t know for sure: to take or obtain with the promise to return the same or an equivalent: Our neighbor borrowed my lawn mower. My friend borrowed $10.

6. Just because I’m a writer doesn’t mean that I am a walking dictionary. I don’t know what that big word means. Use it in a sentence and I can figure it out.

However, thanks to the attention span of the world/readers I choose to write at the average level of a 7th grade reading level that newspapers and many other publications use. Why? Because my people, if you don’t hear or use those type words every day of your lives 99% aren’t going to know what it means or even care to know what it means.

Most people aren’t that engrossed in what you’re saying that they want to take the time to figure out what you just said. Say it short, sweet and simple – period.

7. People that text you repeatedly when you are mad and not speaking to them. I don’t want to make matters worse by telling you exactly how I feel at this exact moment. You didn’t want to hear it when you originally pissed me off and now that I’ve stewed in it and on it for awhile you really don’t want me to actually open my mouth at this point.

Furthermore, kissing my ass afterward only pisses me off worse. I do forgive, oh the first few times. Keep doing it and I am reminded again and again of it. At that point you just become annoying and yes, that pisses me off even more.

8. I am not perfect. Get it?

I get sick, I get tired, I have sad moments, I have happy moments. I am called a human being. Its not always someone’s fault, it is just life and it happens when you are living life.

If we lived in a perfect world, I still wouldn’t be perfect or I’d be sitting on the right hand side of God Himself.

9. Neither is anyone else. Get it?

10. On a good note…I started work yesterday. Now I have something to do other than clean this apartment and read, and now I get to deal with the stupidity of others up close and personal.

Monday Meanderings

I start work today. Yay! I am not only excited to be starting work after all these years, but am truly excited to be working for a company that does so much for others.  Goodwill Industries of Northern New England is the site if you would like to see the wonderful things that they do in this area! My new job may seem small to some yet if you explore the bigger picture you can see just how important all aspects of working for this company are. Please remind me of these things when I decide to complain about my job…

I haven’t blogged or been online much lately. I have had one of my beloved sinus infections. G bought me a Netie pot yesterday. I can’t believe that I didn’t bring mine when I moved here. I had forgotten just how wonderful these crazy contraptions are and how much better you will feel after using one. video

I like this brand better (Neilmed Nasaflo) than the other one I purchased. This one has a lid that you can use to slow the flow down. I haven’t been able to use a Netie on the left side of my nose because the flow was too fast. The lid slows the flow down and keeps it from hurting as it rinses your sinuses out.

A few tips…your internal body temperature is around 98.6 so use very warm water.  Not boiling, but very warm. Cold water hurts like hell! You will need to blow your nose after – do it gently. Your ears will pop when you blow too hard and it is uncomfortable especially if you are already congested or in advanced stages of sinusitis (allergy or non-allergy) or have a head cold.

I am so grateful that I’m not flying this holiday season. People still amaze me. They want to fly as safely as possible yet don’t want to be inconvenienced by the measures we have to take to keep things as safe as possible. There is no magic pill or potion – just perseverance and yes, inconvenience for those that mean no harm to others. We, all of us, are doing the best that we can at this point. In the near future, I’m sure, we will find a less intrusive way to determine that the passengers are safe from terrorists or other idiots that want to do others harm.

The locals think I’m crazy. Okay, so everyone pretty much knows I’m crazy but I am excited about getting our first snow. Being from the Mid-South I’ve never experienced a real snow before. My excitement may not last long when it comes but until then I will be excitedly crazy about it. I want to experience snow up to my butt in my lifetime and I am in the perfect place to do just that. I am forever grateful that I won’t have to be working in it.

I am in awe of those here that work in all kinds of weather. It rains, they still work. It snows, they still work. Our beach front here in Hampton is moving right along – no matter the weather. The progress on this project is so different than what I’m use to seeing in the Memphis area. No excuses, no budget problems just continuing progress on having a better area for tourists this summer. It will also benefit us that live here year round as well. More parking, better pedestrian walk areas to keep them safer and will ease up traffic when having to drive Ocean Blvd. Win win situation for all!

Wishful Wednesday

It is windy out today.  I need to wear weighted boots. It is also raining – which seems to be the norm, wind and rain.  I just need to get me some boots, period.

These would be sweet sweet sweet to have.  Although I don’t think they would go well with the dress that I want. 

I like these shoes, minus the Dorothy Glitter - although I might just go for the bling glam.

I haven’t worn heels in years (as in YEARS) so I will probably need one of these, too.

 

 

 

 

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I broke down and bought a hat cap yesterday.  I’m tired of my hair looking like this in the morning all day long.

So today I’m getting my hair cut like this…maybe…probably shorter on the top.

I have been cursed blessed with thick wavy hair that has to be thinned every other day or it looks like this more times than not.

It appears that my morning hair looks better than my all day long hair. Yep, getting a hair cut today.

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While I’m wishing in one hand and spitting in the other to see what I have more of when I’m done…

I want these:

Another Blackberry.  This flip phone I am currently using is driving me bonkers. Once you go Crackberry Blackberry you never go back.

Yes, this is a windshield. I would really like a new one of these for my truck, along with brakes, an oil change and some other things.

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Wordless Wednesday

Monday Meanderings: Winter’s Coming

Its almost here and I am a little too excited. I’ve never had a ‘real’ winter before. I may have an attitude adjustment once it actually gets here, though. I’ve never had snow up to my butt before so it’s a 50/50 deal – may love it or hate it. We shall see.

I need to spend the day making sure that I am ready for it. I have to remember to keep phones charged up in case the power goes out. It is a relief to know that the regulars here don’t usually drive in snow storms so it isn’t important that I know how.

I am guessing that I need to keep my excitement about the coming snow to myself. The locals already know think I am may be crazy. I think they’re crazy at times, too. I’m in layered clothing while they’re still in shorts and hoodies when the sun is shining.

I don’t understand how G and his co-workers handle this weather. They are in it, working. I can handle about an hour next to the water. They work on the water, all day long, no matter the weather (unless the winds are too high).

G is feeling much better today. Not 100% but is back at work today. Thank goodness it wasn’t the flu or anything that lasted too long. He was down for the count for a couple of days. I hate that I can’t ‘fix’ it when someone is sick like that.

I am also glad for selfish reasons. I miss his hugs, his smiles and yes, his kisses. He hibernates when he doesn’t feel well.

I have a new friend. We shall call her B. She is totally awesome. From the moment I met her, we laugh a lot. She says that I am an inspiration to her. That’s sweet but I think she has it backward. She inspires me, and I think I just amuse her. Either way, I am grateful to have her in my life.

I wish, oh how I wish, that I could capture the beauty of the ocean with my camera. Those that have not experienced it, well, you can’t get the essence of it all from a picture or even a video. I am so blessed to be able to sit on my front porch and hear the ocean waves as they break on the beach. The sight, sound and smell – beyond any words I can find. A little piece of heaven to me.

I am totally, awesomely and intensely moved by my love for my children. I love you L, A, E, M, I and baby J! Hope everyone is doing great and smile more than you frown!

Meals, G, Mom, Adoption, and Kid Swapping

I can’t figure out what my problem is with grocery shopping and menu planning. I mean, I love to eat. I have this mental block thing that happens when I need to figure out a grocery list.

I seem to do better just walking through a grocery store, looking at the foods available and then gathering the ingredients for what I decide to make for the night.

Yes, I said for the night, one meal.

Imagine how long it would take me to shop for a week’s worth of meals that way.

I ran to town yesterday to sign some papers.  I got a job. No, I got the  job that I wanted. Yay me! Oh, groceries. I didn’t do well walking the store yesterday because I was hungry. Hungry for the brownies I baked before leaving. So, I walked into the grocery store and grabbed some canned whipped topping. Yep, I’m good that way sometimes, too.

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G is sick. Poor guy. Stubborn mule won’t let me do anything to make him feel better. Okay, okay, I know – I complained before when any man in my life was sick because they are such babies. Now I feel lost because my baby won’t let me take care of him.

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My mother is okay and that’s a relief. I received word that she has moved in temporarily with my brother. Her blood pressure had dropped too low and they have adjusted her medicine. I kind of stresses me out because I can’t afford to go home and check on her.

Then again, when I lived 45 minutes from her I didn’t check on her. Seems I’m a really good kid that way. I guess I have no right to complain about my kids ignoring me. They learned from their mom by example.

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Adoption. I really don’t get the issues with this one, why adoptees feel so unloved, uncared for or the need to find their natural parents.

What is the problem? I am adopted. I appreciate that my natural mom didn’t abort me, but don’t care to find her. I, even though I’m a crappy kid, am content with the couple that I’m proud to call my parents. They didn’t give birth to me, but they took on the uncool parts – oh like raising me.

I was listening to a show where a girl was trying to find her natural mother. It was so important to her that she was a runaway because of it? She has a one year old daughter that she left behind to find her natural mother. Makes a person wonder if maybe her mom did the same thing?

Seriously people. There are times that I would rather someone else have raised my kids. I knew deep down inside that there was someone who could do a much better job. In fact, my first husband raised our children for 11 years. It overwhelmed me. I thought I was ready. I was wrong.

So what…I should have raised them? Can you even begin to imagine the damage that I would have done to my children, and that’s if they survived? Literally survived living with me – as in remained alive, period. I loved them enough to let someone else take over.

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I was doing genealogy work on my family years ago. I discovered that the census for relatives would change every year. One family would have an extra kid or two, and another would be minus a kid or two. It wasn’t because they didn’t love their children, they just helped each other out. A new baby was born on a farm with only boys. It wasn’t uncommon for that family to ‘trade’ or have a female relative come to live with them. It wasn’t uncommon for a farmer to have a relative come stay for the year to help with the crops.

A hundred years ago it wasn’t a crime, it was survival and also a gift of families helping families in the way they needed the most.

Thoughtful Thursday

Today is Veterans Day. Today is a very special day. It doesn’t matter what your views are on any war, past or present, these special men and women put their lives on the line for our freedom. To them, I am forever grateful. Thank you.

I enjoyed a peaceful, dreamless sleep last night. I woke to a warm home and safe. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like to not sleep or sleep so lightly that you are aware of the rustling of the trees, footsteps in the distance, unnatural silence,  jets flying over or bombs going off all around. These brave men and women kept this away from here, away from our country.

I am able to have faith in my God, as I see Him, without being persecuted. Others are able to have faith in their gods, as they see them, without being persecuted.

I am able to go to the grocery and purchase foods of my choice. Fresh foods and have access to fresh water – every day. I am able to seek employment of my choice, and as much employment as I choose.

I can go shopping for clothes, cars and fun things. I can wear just about anything that I choose, wear makeup if I choose, color my hair if I choose, cut my hair if I choose, buy sell or trade my truck if I choose, and even watch movies or television shows of my choice. I can buy candy, cakes and sodas to my heart’s content.

I can visit a doctor and get the medicines that I need, not just what is available at the time. I can have dental work done as needed, and by a specialist if needed.

I have a cellphone and internet service. I can read whatever I choose and wherever I choose. I have more conveniences than I can list. Dishwasher, microwave, oven, stove, washer, dryer, running water, indoor bathrooms, hot water, a shower, soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, body washes, body lotions…

I am forever grateful. Thank you.

Wordless Wednesday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Ten

1. Bothers me how everyone assumes that the guy is the one at fault.
2. If you truly love someone, you have to take the good with not so good. Don’t try to change or save them. If there are some things you just can’t live with then you need to detach with love – love them from afar. If you can live with the not so good, then just love them through it. This is a two way street in all relationships. ALL relationships meaning business, personal and social.
3. Codependency isn’t always a bad thing. There are times when two codependents can actually balance each other out making them productive, socially acceptable people. At that point it becomes interdependency, so let it evolve. Just because you can’t live that way doesn’t mean it is wrong for others.
4. Sometimes getting down to what is bothering you, whether it was something from 20 years ago or yesterday, takes time. Its like peeling an onion. The more layers you peel off, the more uncomfortable it gets and there will be tears. Be patient with those trying to get to the center of their problems.
5. Don’t understand why people think that I am weird or a glutton for punishment when I feel honored when someone wants me by their side when they are ‘peeling their onions’. It simply means they feel safe with me, trust me and know that I am there for them.
6. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Proudly.
7. If love doesn’t move you to smile randomly throughout the day, make you a little antsy/giddy when you see the one(s) you love or give you a little discomfort (usually mistaken for pain) then you haven’t truly experienced love.
8. Love and lust can coexist in a personal relationship. In fact, when they coexist then it a wonderful thing.
9. Breaking a coffee addiction is harder for me than it was to stop drinking. Drinking hot green tea does help, though.
10. Thanks all those that run soup kitchens or I would have gone hungry last week. Please donate to soup kitchens – toilet paper, razors, soap and shampoo are hot items in need by those frequenting soup kitchens. Again, please donate either your time or these type items.

Monday Meanderings

I need to put bricks in my pockets before going out in 25-30 mph winds.

Empty garbage cans in said winds don’t help the situation.

Is grateful that I have absolutely nowhere to go today unless I am called in for an interview. However, would be more grateful if I were called out for an interview.

Online applications are, well, a pain in the butt and brain. Who comes up with these questions? Thank goodness I don’t have to work for food, shelter or electricity or I’d be in a bad spot right now.

Taco Bell standards are the same here as in the South. If you order more than one of anything, it throws them off. Time frame for 2 Grande meals: 10-15 minutes. Don’t even bother, they don’t take call in orders.

True to my nature of what, 48 years, if Kay can’t decide between two things she will get one of each/both. Flashing back to 2000 when I was offered a puppy. I had to choose between a Red Merle female and a Black Merle male. Yep, instead of getting a puppy, we got a puppies. You would have done the same. These were the most beautiful Catahoula puppies I had ever seen. Angel and Junior. Okay, so maybe that was an extreme flashback. I couldn’t decide between soft or hard tacos so I got 10 of each (2 Grande meals).

I apparently suck at being a mom, but after reading other mommy blogs I realize that we all suck at it. So dear children of the world, if you manage to reach adulthood then you’re lucky. Otherwise that means we didn’t get the basic stuff taken care of for you as a parent, and those are the really sucky parents – be grateful that you had just sucky parents instead of really sucky parents.

Being homeless, even for a few hours, is scary as hell. Living out of your truck for 3 days also sucks. Thank goodness I had a warm place to stay. (might write about this one day – but not today)

Never lose hope. There is always someone out there that can and will help you – not expecting a damn thing in return.

Never burn bridges. EVER.

Fabulous Friday

My apartment will be ready in about 2 weeks, maybe sooner.

I found an apartment (guess that should have been first?).

G and I are on speaking terms again (might post about that one later).

I refuse to drink – EVER again.

I will take my meds EVERY day.

Have a great Fabulous Friday and a great weekend!

How Much Are You Willing To Pay?

I’ll be the first to admit that I love quiet. Not silence, not being ignored, but quietness.

What I have today is total silence. Silence from my children. I can’t handle it. I can’t.

This, this is honestly one price I didn't know I would have to pay for my happiness. Freedom from a town that chokes me to death, literally. An area full of memories that I would rather forget but kept coming 'home' to again and again. A place, that even as a child, couldn’t wait to get away from – far far away.

I have finally done it. Gotten so far away from that place that I can’t imagine how I’d ever get back here. I can’t even begin to make it happen because I don’t want to be there. I honestly, truly, sincerely hate the Mid-South. No offense to anyone there, it just isn’t home to me. It hasn’t been, in like forever.

My memories of Memphis start when I was 4 years old. That is when we moved there from Houston, TX. My very first memory, I mean the very first one wasn’t a good one. We arrived before my father, who stayed behind to help with the movers. It was a nightmare that I will never forget. It was raining, there were problems and my father – he didn’t arrive when he was suppose to arrive. I can still feel what I felt then – scared out of my wits. In a new place, a new town, it was storming and I wanted my father. He did make it safely the next day, but that trauma, yes trauma, seems to set the stage for the rest of my life in that area. I say that area because I’m no longer there.

I do love it here. I am happy here. I can breathe, I smile often, I am living with a wonderful person and have so many opportunities without pressure here. The one thing I don’t have is my children. What has changed? What happened? What the hell did I do?

I don’t even know where my children are living. Two of them were in my apartment when I left. Three if you count my ‘non’ child Austin. I believe he is in Cordova now? WTF? I am hoping that they are living with their sister in Southaven, but I haven’t a clue. I get in my truck, drive to New Hampshire and my family just disappears. Again, WTF?

I hope my fears aren’t real. That they are just False Expectations Appearing Real. That they didn’t choose my last husband for me because I was such a sucky parent that they needed someone in their lives to lead, guide, direct and love them properly. To really take care of them the way that they needed to be taken of in the correct way.

I was such a liberal parent (shit, I don’t even really know what that word means – liberal, guess I need to look it up, huh). I allowed them to explore themselves and the world around them. Encouraging them whatever path they chose in life – at the moment or forever. I just wanted them to make their own choices. Be their own persons. I even dared to hope that my off the way, so not-like-Kay move to New Hampshire would inspire them to reach out for their dreams. For once in my life I was trying to practice what I preached. To actually show them by walking the walk instead of just – well fucking just talking shit.

Today I am living my dream. A dream that I’ve had for a long time. Living on the Northeastern Coast, writing. What I didn’t dream of is not having my children in my life. My grandchild in my life. It’s a price I didn’t know I would have to pay.

If I had known this was the ultimate price, I would still be living in Horn Lake MS.

Tuesday Ten

1. Seeing this: Available only from October through February.

After eating this:

Each dark chocolaty cake is rolled with the cool flavor of peppermint
creme filling and covered in scrumptious fudge icing. Individually
wrapped six to a carton.

2. Wondering how well #1 will freeze and can I order by the truck load?

3. Wanting the world to know that just because I’m a female, my truck is broken down in a town where I know 3 people does not mean that I am using my ‘female ways’ to get help. And no, it was fixed for $10 because they used my parts and my tools – no blow job or other sexual favors were involved. (I don’t do that for less than…).

4. I didn’t lie about knowing some basic auto mechanic skills because I let others work on my truck. Yesterday is case in point. One, I didn’t have a spare battery on my truck to boost myself off. Two, my jumper cables happen to be in one of my kid’s vehicles now. Three, I had more errands to run and for $10 I let someone else, who was already greasy/dirty fix it.

5. Fire coming from your engine compartment doesn’t always mean something horrible. Until you see what is actually causing all the smoke you WILL freak out, though.

6. Just because the parts house computer says that is the proper size battery for your truck, it probably isn’t.

7. Just because you drive an older vehicle doesn’t mean you need a special oil for it. It needs a lighter oil because its easier to deal with – kind of like me. I’m older and need to take it a little easier on myself when I can. Moral: be kind to yourself when you need to be.

8. Sometimes a bottle of cheap wine and a B movie can make great memories.

9. Halloween doesn’t have to mean candy, kids and costumes. (see #8)

10. You can cry when you’re happy.

I Am Him, They Are Me

I woke up crying this morning. I went to sleep last night crying. I wonder if I’ll figure out why. I wonder if I’ll even bother trying to figure it out.

I don’t boohoo cry. Tears just flow freely. I hear they make medicine for that. Even though tears are streaming down my face as I type this, in my heart I think that my therapist from 1994 would be so proud of me. See, in 1994 I couldn’t wouldn’t cry. I did cry, but only when I was having a total breakdown.

I’m not having a breakdown right now. I’m just, well, crying. My heart doesn’t hurt, I am not sad, and I am not upset about anything. Since I don’t know the source, I guess this is the time for that medicine?

Six weeks or so ago I washed my clothes hangers (plastic) in the dishwasher to get them all clean and shiny. When I posted it on Facebook, someone commented “they make a medicine for that.”

Yesterday one of my pans under the stove kept rattling. It was irritating distracting. Very distracting. I found myself clenching my teeth together. Flexing my fingers to release any tension that might be creeping up, and did the mental check of “did I take my medicine for that…do I need to increase my medicines for that…”

Instead, I did what any normal person would do at that point. I took the pan out from under the stove and made brownies in it. Today I will venture down to the beach to see the progress they are making on the new construction. Strangely enough, the rattling of the pan just made me want to see what they were working on down there.

I was upset with myself because I couldn’t block it out. I couldn’t block out my curiosity. I’m sure they make a medicine for that, too.

I believe my tears are just tears of release. Letting go of the past and allowing my future to unfold. That I’m allowing my duck to be black.  I don’t care if they make a medicine for that…

Writer’s Block?

Not sure if I have writer’s block or need a change in direction for this blog. I’ve read back over my previous posts and apparently (duh) I wasn’t a happy person. The past is past and its time to be in the present.

In just a few days I will have officially been in New Hampshire a month. Some days it feels like I’ve always been here, and other days I feel like I just got here.

I still have days where I get bored and antsy. Not really sure what to do with myself or my time. One thing that I don’t get is frustrated or worried. I could get a job. That would fill up any free time that I have to fill. Just think what I could do with the extra money too!

Hm. That last one is a little on the funny side. All I can think of is buying things to bake, and maybe buying some cookware. That is silly since we live in a furnished apartment so I have all the cookware I need here and if I need more, I go to the utility room for the property and get what I need/want out of there to use. Let’s not forget that G is always buying stuff to bake. We are a couple of baking fools here.

I have a pay as you go phone, which is cool because G is the only one that calls me. Our conversations are pretty short since he’s on break at work, or wants to know if what I need him to pick up on his way home from work when he calls. We don’t text often because, well, we actually like talking to each other. My computer does exactly what I need it to do. We have a Redbox rental right down the street, and have cable as part of the ‘furnished’ apartment. I also have free WiFi here.

At this point in my life I can honestly say that I have no wants or unmet needs. My only thing to deal with today is getting this place straightened back up from last night, figuring out what to fix for dinner tonight, shoe shopping and getting my driver’s license – which here is a breeze since I just go and swap my Mississippi license for a New Hampshire one.

I may just sit here at the apartment and read my new book instead of getting out today. Decisions, decisions. Yep, I think I’ve got a pretty good life here.