How Well Do You Listen?

For today, let us include paying attention to what you read as well as listen.

In a world of misunderstanding, it is easy to read more into what someone says. We dramatize it and make it something totally different. Reading between the lines when nothing is there.

I did that for everyone in yesterday’s post. Pre-dramatized it, if you will.

Herein lies a contest! Rules are at the end of this post and written in the following as well…

For the first person (via comment) who can un-dramatize the post and tell me it was really about, I will send a $10 iTunes card. If you would rather, I’ll send a $10 gift card to Wal*Mart, Target or even for your favorite grocery store or bookstore (if I can score one from my area).

Also…for the first person that can dramatize it further scores the same deal. The most outlandish response as to the possible subject of the post will be the winner of this part of the contest.

If you end up being the winner of both contests, I will bump it up to $12.50 for each contest (one card of $25 to one of the aforementioned places). So, instead of two $10 gift cards, you will receive one $25 gift card.

“Why the bonus prize value if you are the winner of both?” you ask.

“Because I love, Love, LOVE people who can stretch their imaginations beyond normal thinking and are also grounded enough to sort through the BS to see the truth.” I answer.

Have fun, comment as many times as you feel the need. First part of the contest ends when there is correct answer, and the second part of the contest ends October 10, 2010, at 10:10 am (CST).

Bonus round: Tell me why I chose October 10th along with the particular time and you will get a kudos from me, rapid handclapping and a smile from me. You should also give yourself a pat on the back for seeing the obvious.

Ps. Michael Byrd, you don’t get to play because you already know the answer to the first part of the contest! My kids, you don’t get to play either because you already get enough stuff out of Mike and I.

Rules:

*Enter as many times as you like (via comment).
*One gift card for each contest with a $10 value, one gift card valued at $25 if you win both contests.
*My immediate family is NOT eligible to win. They can play, but no prizes – sorry.
*You must supply a valid email address so I can contact you as to where to send your prize if you win.
*I have no use for your email address other to notify winners so you can spell out the email address so robots don’t glean them from your post.
*Keep it clean.
*And by all means, have fun with it!

Ready, set, GO!

Unraveling

I am trying to untangle myself from this web as it unravels around me…

I knew I was getting in too deep. I knew to start backing it up, backing off.

It is not an obsession or addiction. It is a dependency. Too many eggs in one basket.

“Simplify. Go back to the basics”, I kept telling myself.

I didn’t listen. I heard yet didn’t act on what I knew to be truth from my own mouth. My own head. My own heart. The sane side of me.

I no longer have the luxury of taking things back a step at a time. My backup plans all involve that one basket. My backup resources are in that basket.

Reality has punched me in the throat. If you have ever been punched in the throat, you know the feeling. You can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t speak, and you can’t even scream or cry. The shock is so swift and effective that you are immobilized. Frozen until the shock wears off.

When the shock wears off, the body freaks out trying to compose itself. You panic to breathe again, you can think but the thoughts are too fast and confusing. You can speak yet what comes out makes no sense to you or anyone else. You scream and cry because you can. You begin to pace trying to shake off the after effects of the shock.

…praying that I land on my feet when I fall from its grasp.

I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday. Its alright since I didn’t have much to say. I don’t honestly have much to say today either.

It is so peaceful here. Some of it by choice, some by location and some not by choice. I am trying to accept the not by choice peace as a gift, not a trial.

There is no internet access here. Usually not a problem for me since I have a Blackberry. The problem is I don’t have cell phone service either. (Can you hear me now? No Verizon, I can’t.) This means I cannot tether my phone to my computer as a modem. No internet access, period. Which isn’t entirely true. If I sit in the yard, very back of the yard I can get reception on my phone. I had it for a few moments earlier today while I was sitting here at the dining room table so at least I managed to get my emails.

It is a test of a statement I made to a friend, “I would like to not be so dependent on my cell phone and computer.” I think I am passing the test since I haven’t started drinking, cussed out the neighbors or kicked the dog. I also haven’t called the local cable company about getting internet.

Not having cell phone service has been nice. If there are problems back in MS I don’t know about it and everyone will handle them. I can’t get the random cryptic Facebook posts from my kids that make me worry. I also haven’t been on Facebook instead of writing or taking care of other things. I figure my crops dying on Farmville isn’t really a crime since they really aren’t crops and I’m really not wasting money because its really not real.

I have, however, spent a lot time outdoors enjoying the property, walking Mitzi (the puppy), and allowing myself to continue to let go of the past so I can focus on the future. My future.

I have even taken the time to write a dear friend up North an actual hand written letter (and…amazingly enough it is legible!). I also started 3 articles that I plan to finish this week. Starting them was the hard part, finishing them will just take a little time for me to complete and edit them.

I am grateful that once on the main road I do have cell phone service, and internet on my phone. I am directionally challenged. Plain and simple. I HAVE to have access to my GPS and navigation system or there is no way I will find my way around here or my way back again. Which will be nice when I drive into town to upload this post so I can find my way back home again.

Where I’m From

I am from dollhouses and miniatures, from Smuckers and a hymnal.

I am from the laughter at the kitchen table, the Rosemary scent of pine sap of the trees I climbed and the comfort of my father’s hand on my shoulder.

I am from the dirt between my toes, the paper that I drew on.

I am from hot chocolate while decorating the Christmas tree and simplicity, from Ginger and Joyce and Al.

I am from the Anthonys and Kinards and Goodmans.

From being too young to understand and being too old to not understand.

I am from world of guilt and a path too hard to receive redemption.

I'm from Texas and Germany, steaks and casseroles.

From the undeserved guilt of childhood mishaps, the fear of being forgotten, and the unconditional love from a drunken grandfather that understood who I was and I understood him.

I am from a black storage container, the top drawer of a dresser and a cedar chest.

Since I Met You

I stand up straight and walk with purpose.

I can breathe in the face of adversity instead of losing my temper, harboring resentments, running away, crying or laying down in the fetal position.

Guilt is no longer a motivating factor in my life. If it is mine to bear, I bear it and repair it. If it is yours, I no longer am willing to take it from you or even share. “All you, all yours.”

I love the way my body looks.

I love my hair, even when it is a little out of control.

I love being a woman.

I believe that my dreams can become realities.

I still lose hope, but get it back very quickly.

Nothing is impossible unless I allow it to be impossible.

I can do it alone, but its okay to need some help every once in awhile.

I care about myself enough to eat well and exercise, and do it because I love the way it makes me feel.

Love is as confusing to others as it is to me.

It is okay to take things slow and easy, enjoying every single second of it all.

That there are others honestly do share my beliefs, some that don’t but respect my views. There is no need to defend myself.

I am not too old to go to school and to keep going back to better myself.

Keeping a neat, clean and organized home is not a weakness, sickness or a compulsive behavior. It is admirable trait.

I don’t need medication to be acceptable to the rest of the world and if I do, then to hell with them.
(I don’t believe in a physical heaven or hell, it is only a state of mind and/or being)

I can put myself first many more times than not. It is selfing, not being selfish. Others are being selfish if they require more of you than you are able or willing to give.

It is okay to be human. To cry when I am sad, to laugh when I am happy, and to love when my heart moves me to do so. It doesn’t mean I’m depressed, insane or vulnerable because I cry or laugh or love easily.

Being still and quiet is a blessing, not a torment. Prayer and meditation are only effective if we shut our mouths and stop our thoughts so we can listen to Him.

…my life has been forever changed.

“It is not my job to blow sunshine up your ass.”

Step By Step

I am moving Saturday. Heading out for my new life. I won’t be moving where I want to be, but will be moving toward where I want to be end up. It is that beloved first step of a much larger journey.

I would love to use the analogy of the yen/yang, but it isn’t appropriate. There hasn’t been the beautiful ebb and flow of one next to the other. It has been one side or the other like a coin.

Due to the outside forces of life and living, I have gone from Plan A all the way to Plan Q, back to a previous Plan in between, and today it is the original Plan A. It has always been Plan A. The other plans were wishful thinking, ideas that didn’t pan out or just wouldn’t work. Period.

I noticed that sometimes Plans need to be kept to yourself. When other doubtful helpful people get involved, things can go wrong very quickly. I may be selfish, I may be rude, but I am telling everyone this much: it is all about me now.

No, please don’t misunderstand my intentions. I am not going to step on anyone to get where I am going. I am simply walking away and letting everyone go on with their lives. Although at times I appear to be the source of your anguish and problems, I am also your source of security. It is time for you to realize you are secure in yourselves.

I have achieved one major dream in my life. A beautiful dream that I wouldn’t change for anything and have been blessed to live for 25 years. I have been a wife and a mother. I am still a mother. I will still be a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a cousin…just not here. It is time for me to achieve and live other dreams as well.

You would be surprised to walk into my home and hear me say that I am moving tomorrow. I only have 6 boxes and two suitcases. Tomorrow I will pack my computer into its case and be on my way. Nothing here is important to me. My priorities have changed. Everything will fit in the back seat of my truck. My friends have probably already guessed what is in those boxes. A few pictures of my family, things I need for my computer, and my books. Suitcases house my clothes.

My children have been my true priority all this time. The rest of the stuff here they will need, or is just stuff. They are grown now and will begin living their dreams and lives to their fullest. They are the only thing important to me that I am leaving behind and will miss.

I hope in a few months that I post again about my next move. New Hampshire is the ultimate goal and step by step I am getting there.

Laughter Is Not Always The Best Medicine

I am one of those people that try to pacify a bad situation with humor. Tonight was not a good night for that, but I pressed on.

We’ve all had a pretty bad week here (splendiferous considering it is only Wednesday). All of us have been encouraging each other during the ‘man that sucks’ stuff and even the ‘man that really sucks’ stuff. At some point, however, you cave. Some family members cry, some rant and rave, and others just, well laugh like the mad woman they are.

The latter was me tonight. I had already cried, ranted and raved earlier today, and was exhausted. My DD was in pain all day. We thought maybe she had bruised her tailbone. By this afternoon, it had gotten so painful that she couldn’t stop crying.

I took her to the ER thinking “screw the doctor’s office, the ER has cool equipment and isn’t afraid to use it.” I’m also broke, so what’s being a little more broker going to do to me.

Come to find out that this back pain and low grade fever that she has had since her doctor’s visit earlier this month was due to her having a pilonidal cyst. They were going to move her to the procedure room to drain it. “To drain it.”

That set me off. I could not stop laughing. The idea of them draining her butt sent me straight to the crazy zone.

“They’re going to drain your butt,” I said, more than once. Laughing like a mad woman. Needless to say, she kicked me out.

I went to eat something in hopes of stabilizing a little. Then to the truck to feel sorry for myself. She called, crying hysterically. Oh shit.

I run into the ER and about pull the locked entry door off its hinges. Run to her room to find her okay. She was upset. She had passed out when they gave her the numbing shot.

When everything started becoming funny to her (Lortabs will do that to you) I could barely crack a smile. All I could think was “I should have stayed with her” along with another me screaming “she’s freaking 20 years old dear, she will survive without you.”

I stopped and got her fries and a Dr. Pepper from Mickey Dees. Got her home and into the bed. A little later she hollers from the bed, giggling her cute drained butt off,  “guess I shouldn’t eat when I am so tired, I woke with fries in my mouth.”  A few minutes later I see a post on Facebook how much she loves McDonald’s. Then a few seconds later “Boy this Dr. Pepper is so good!”

Maybe I’ll laugh about it tomorrow.

Wordsmith

I cut her lose last night. She came back, exhausted. I can still see that look deep down in her eyes, not as intense yet still there. It isn’t over yet. Not by a long shot. I won’t bind her again. It did feel good to let go of all those resentments and anger, and in those eyes I can see peace and serenity surfacing. 

I am moved by the blog post I read yesterday. If you haven’t read it, please do that now. I will wait because it is important and you won’t be disappointed.

Thank you. I hope you shared it. If not please share it now. If you didn’t read it or read the whole thing, please stop and do that now. My post is not important – that one is.

Facebook post from a friend, “With all these body image issues I deal with, now someone on TV says my eyelashes might be inadequate, this just puts me right over the edge!!!”

We all laughed, shot a few sarcastic remarks around but I can bet that all of us looked in the mirror to see if our eyelashes might be inadequate. We have been bombarded with marketing that is geared to hit you right where they can profit: our low self-esteem. These guys are smart and effective.

Watch your words. Tell yourself or be told enough that you are fat, you are ugly, you are worthless, you are lazy, you are hyper, you are headstrong, you are a dreamer, you will amount to nothing…and you will begin to believe it. Worse yet, we will become it. Once we run out of thing to beat yourself up over, we will try to find a flaw we overlooked. Even the good things will be turned to negative if we aren’t careful. Headstrong, dreamers and being energetic are not flaws! They are positive character traits that get you places in life. Embrace them! They are tools for you, use them.

I am taking a closer look at myself in a different way. The pot roast story is a good place to start when trying to look at the who’s, what’s and why’s that we do things the way we do.

-~- Some old -~-

I slump, not because I’m tall but because I have small breasts.

I stopped wearing heels because my ex is shorter than me and it bothers him.

I don’t go see my mother or call her because I cannot stand up to her biting remarks.

I don’t discuss religion anymore because I don’t feel the need to defend my beliefs to close-minded people.

-~- Some new -~-

I will walk everyday not because its healthy or good for me. I will and do walk almost every day because I enjoy walking and feel fantastic after a good walk.

I will continue to color my hair because I like trying different things.

I pierced my belly because I think its cute. I pierced my nose because I think its cute.

I will continue to get tattoos that have meaning to me.

Just because I can do web design, code, and work on cars does not mean that I want to do these things all the time.

Not all accidents are bad. Beautiful things can happen out of unexpected results.

-~-

What will you do today differently? What part(s) of you have you let go of that you would like back? If you can’t be kind to yourself, then at least don’t be mean to yourself. Remember that Mother Earth and Father God always have your back.

Single Dad Laughing: The disease called "Perfection"

Single Dad Laughing: The disease called "Perfection".

Please read, share and comment on this blog post.

Top 10 Pet Peeves

#1 Texting or calling me when you know I am busy. Self-explanatory.

#2 Repeating yourself. I heard you the first time. If I don’t comment or continue with that line of conversation then I’m not interested – or how many times do we have to go through this same conversation?

#3 Repeating me. ???? Don’t repeat what I’ve said because you have nothing to say yourself.

#4 Expecting me to be nice to you when you’ve pissed me off. This is a no-brainer people. Piss me off and I’m pissed off. Don’t piss me off and I’ll be nice to you. Even if I don’t like you.

#5 Me being nice to someone that has pissed me off. Trying to be nice is a downfall of mine. I’ll keep being nice until the Wrath of Kay surfaces. Not pretty. (also see #4)

#6 People that feel the need to change me. read: reduce me to their level. Reverse psychology also doesn’t work on me. Hell, forward psychology doesn’t work either so don’t bother.

#7 People trying to sell their version of religion to me. Share it. If I am interested I will listen with an open mind and heart. If not, shut the fuck up.

#8 People who try to explain politics to me (also see #7). I don’t get it, obviously because I don’t care.

#9 Doing exactly what I ask you to NOT do. Maybe you should try #3 just to make sure YOU understand.

#10 Trying instead of actually doing something. Okay, trying to vacuum or clean doesn’t fly with me. Either you did or you didn’t. Vac broken, you didn’t vacuum. I tried to clean but didn’t do a very good job, you hit the high spots and gave up.

Have a great day my peoples!

My Blackberry Loves Me

I guess I have to retract yesterday’s post. I lost it yesterday evening, and I had a blast doing it. smh

I love to text. Yep, rather text than talk. My divorce was handled by text message. Shame I couldn’t sign the papers via text.

There is a point where I get pissed off at text messages. Especially when I am busy and the texter knows it.

I had been good about who I added as a friend on Facebook. I let up and now I have a texting stalker. What is that? A staxter, a stexter – shit, let’s just go with annoying as fucking hell.

Who in the hell interprets “What are you doing?” (them) “Scrubbing the tub.” (me) as “hey I’m not doing anything that requires me to stop, dry off my hands, pick up my phone and check the message so keep texting me with nonsense.”

Or, “What are you doing?” (them) “Working.” (me) as hey I’m not doing anything that requires attention so please run the battery down on my phone with more nonsense and distract me from the code I’m searching through.”

Nonsense stuff:

#1 ”I miss your twang.” Okay, this one is kind of funny since they are from the North and me from the South. It isn’t funny after the 15th text message that day telling me this.

#2 ”I think you are a beautiful person.” Also a nice thing to hear every once in awhile. Not more than once a day, and especially not when I’m in a happy good place in my life and don’t need positive affirmations, as they put it.

#3 “I say what I mean, mean what I say, without being mean.” Seriously, do they have this where they can copy and paste, or saved as a quick text. Repeating yourself is, well, annoying. I’m not stupid and got it the first time.

#4 "Okay, you got me. Yes, I am hitting on you.” Um that’s not hitting on me, that’s annoying and really creepy dude. Mushy shit is for lovers and talking to puppies, babies and they don’t even enjoy it. Plus dude, you need to copy, paste and send #3 to yourself. Read it, memorize it and above all else, fucking practice it.

After awhile I haven’t a clue how to respond to this shit. So I did what I normally do that gets my butt in hot water – posted my grievances on Facebook.

No, I hadn’t been drinking. I can only imagine how much funnier it could have been if I had been.

I also texted a friend of his, who promptly told me it was my own damned fault for giving him my number. Wise man, love him to death. That’s a #3 if I ever heard it.

I have a few choices. Oh choices aside from screaming OMF and WTF and…

I just realized as a Blackberry owner that there has been a lot of enhancements to my phone’s software. Not only can I choose a specific ringtone for a caller, specific tone for a texter I can also now choose the volume – as in mute.

I’ll be shit. Awesome. Now I can tell if it is a family member calling/texting or someone I really want to hear from.

This is a lot better choice than having to change my phone number. Yes, my Blackberry loves me and I love it right back!

Mother Earth, Father God

When I hit my early 40’s, I lost it. Mentally. Nothing made sense any more, none of my dreams had become reality, I was unhappy and felt old. So old and oh so tired. I am 25, 32, 41, or 48 and feel 110. Sound familiar?

In 2005 it hit me the hardest. I began to doubt everything that I believed.

I had become emotion based. Anger, fear and sadness were my emotional triggers. I was consumed by them instead of being moved by them. It became worse when I managed to remember the bad, sad or traumatic times more than the good, peaceful and joy filled times.

I began to doubt God even existed. I hoped that when my life was over it would simply be over. I didn’t want to continue in another life – heaven or hell. I just wanted it to be game over. I was scared not to believe, just in case. That caused more left-brain “does not compute” syndrome. Sometimes being logical isn’t nice on your brain and heart when it comes to living.

Finally I had an awakening. It started with testing the waters on meditation to help reduce the dosage of anti-anxiety medication I was taking. If I didn’t take enough, I would have anxiety attacks, sometimes going on into full blown panic attacks – which resembled strokes. Not fun. If I increased the dosage, I would be in a zombie state. I was a happy camper but slept all the time and had no desire to do anything.

As a child, our church frowned upon meditation. I’m not sure exactly why, but it stuck with me. I braved possible damnation and went for it.

I started with Roy Masters’ “Be Still and Know”. Then moved on to Osho with a form of Buddha style teachings. Roy Masters’ technique is simple and what I use today.

Today I am calmer. Today I know what I am to feel guilty about (as in what is really my problem and not someone else’s), I am calm in the face of emotional situations, and sleep well at night. I also am ready to face the day when I wake. I have energy levels that compare to those I had at 21, even 16.

In two months that I have been practicing meditation for a mere 10-20 minutes a day, in the morning and before going to bed. My medications have been reduced from 20mg to 5mg. I haven’t taken them for a week now and still have not seen or felt any side effects.

I feel whole, complete and comfortable in my own skin. “No es importante” (sounds better in Spanish that English: it isn’t important) is my favorite phrase because, most things are NOT important enough to dwell on, fight over or even cause a skip in my life’s steps. They do not need my undivided attention.

A new development that I never thought could happen is that now that I don’t worry about my hair, nails, makeup, weight, etc., I have healthier skin, my nails are stronger, I don’t need makeup and my weight has stabilized.

I have a mother, her name is earth. I am of the earth. I have a father, his name is God. I am of God. I find peace just in knowing this. I am in a perfect place in my life and see a brighter future ahead of me.

Multi-Tasking Is My Middle Name

Okay, its not but maybe it should be. I am thinking back on what I haven’t accomplished today and then I remembered to think about what I have accomplished. Wow, varied things yet a lot done.

First was getting out of bed. Always a major accomplishment for this chick.

Somehow, between washing and drying clothes (which I am still doing) I have managed to not only clean out the inner workings of the dryer, but also cleaned up the utility room – every nook and cranny. All while running back and forth to my computer to upload the 9 gazillion photos that I have stored on hard disks and cds around here. Also, still uploading photos…

I have walked the dog a gazillion times, cleaned the kitchen, eaten (woot for me!), played Farmville (on all four accounts) and Lexulous, folded the clean laundry which I will put away when the sleeping children are up (they work nights), and have organized the bathroom (which I will detail clean when I finish this). I have even imported my music cd’s into iTunes.

I know…WTF?! For some strange reason I got up at 3:30a (4:30 est) and have been running since I hit the floor. I took a brief nap – which was not a good idea because I dreamed my husband was raping me and I had to defend myself against him. Woke up in a panic. Not good. By the way, my ex would NEVER do that – which makes the dream even stranger.

I haven’t had anything to drink or taken any drugs and it is only 4:30p (5:30 est). I may sleep for the next three days, but hey – I’ve earned it!

FML Friday

I know some of the most grounded, full of life young adults. They awe and inspire me. No matter what they are facing, they do it with grace and determination. Words escape me. I can’t say they hit it head on. Its not a battle. They move forward – again, all the words I can find to use makes one think of having to fight their way where they are going. This is not what is happening. Grace and ease, nope. Makes it sound like it is too easy.

Single mom, a baby, working and going to school. She is 19. Always a smile on her face, love in her heart and joy in her step. She loves her life, even when she’s worked and gone to school all day and her baby is sick. You never hear ‘fml’ from her.  She gets upset, she will be sad at times and even be angry and frustrated. The difference: she doesn’t let it consume her.

She is someone I want to be like. Reminding me daily of my blessings around me. My life isn’t that bad. Things happen. They aren’t God’s will, or bad luck. I’ve made a mistake mis-choice in my life or just something that happens.

She responds to life where I react. She moves with the ebb and flow of life where I bob and weave, tuck and roll. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Simplify

I am a hoarder. Anything from animals to objects. Especially objects. I have a better grip on the animal (including people) hoarding but can’t seem to get a grip on the object hoarding. It will also change over time.

I had a problem with shoes. I had more shoes that I never wore but were so damned cute that I had to have them (I wear flip flops in the winter).

Now that I don’t buy shoes that way, I buy purses. I rarely carry a purse. Debit card in pocket (check), phone in hand (check), truck keys (check), smokes (check)…simplicity at its finest.

I can make any excuse in the world to buy a new purse. Saw someone in a movie carrying it, it is cute, and the worst reason – maybe if I had this purse I would carry pen and paper, notes, day planners all organized in those wonderful pockets and slots. Truth be told with those organizer purses is that I can’t find a damn thing in them. I need a map, which I would probably put in a handy spot in the purse and forget which handy pocket. Also, the bigger the purse, the more crap I think I need to carry.

I made a pact with myself that for every new purse I bought I had to get rid of one I already owned. That has gone so well that I am now hiding purses from myself in the cedar chest along with the extra linens.

My phone is my drug tool of choice for these problems. I get alerts for birthdays, anniversaries and even when its time to change out my contacts for a fresh pair. It even lets me know when my crops on Farmville are ready to harvest or someone I adore has a new post on Facebook – their post included in the alert. Yes, I can even blog from my phone when in a pinch (aka no internet access).

Now that I’ve gotten myself back into writing, I want to consolidate my online presence into one place. This should be so much fun. In trying to organize my thoughts (stuff) I have somehow acquired many domain names:

kaybyrd.com – original web site, started because I ran out of room on the freebies that my internet provider gave me.
bcnaat.com – to separate my geek stuff from the animal rescue and personal stuff
byrdwebdesign.com – to establish my web design business
burgundyrealm.com – because that name haunted me for months so I bought the domain name, it is also the new Byrd Web Design
notanything.us – to get my blog off Burgundy Realm, the name was cheap and it hit me as appropriate for my divorce since there apparently was not anything left of us anymore.

Herein lies the dilemma for me. Just as I collect purses, I collect causes and/or reasons for my need to feed the electronic information world aka internet. As my life as evolved, so has my dedication and willingness to devote to certain causes. I have awakened what my true need is today, and that is to write.

How on earth do I consolidate all the geek stuff, web design, animal rescue and my writing into one spot without it becoming cluttered and complex? Who in the hell needs 15 emails accounts?

I dream of Burgundy Realm as my only site. Blog first then web design since it is basically a hobby. I love it, but when I start trying to focus on it as a business I lose interest because it isn’t fun anymore for me. If I find an interesting trick or tip I want to share that too, like how to reset a treadmill when it gives you a code 7.

True to my nature, this post alone has overwhelmed me so I feel the need to take a nap. Hm. I am horrible at prioritizing.

Please comment or email me if you have suggestions, ideas or just words of encouragement.

Home Sweet Home

I can’t say that I’m glad to be here. Aside from my apartment being trashed, I can’t won’t deal with the crap anymore.

Everyone here better be grateful that I am in a calm place or they wouldn’t be here any more. Their response, “We tried.” Tried what? I don’t even want to know what blew up on and was repeatedly cooked to the walls of my microwave. I don’t want to know what is in that glass that I put into the trash instead of trying to clean it. Closing the door to the bathroom after the cat has pooped everywhere in there does not make it go away.

Yes, I had to clean that mess up AND wash and dry towels before I could even take a shower when I arrived home. Being on the road for two days didn’t put me in a much better mood.

Instead of getting my self organized and packed up to head back up North I have spent the past two days cleaning up after these children adults. Adults, that is the key word here. My youngest is 18.

This is my fault. I realize that and take full responsibility. I didn’t raise them this way, but did allow them to continue with mom is a maid attitude. I am tired of the excuses. Tired of theirs but more tired of mine.

No more excuses as to why I allow my children to treat me this way. No more excuses why I treat myself this way.

When I Snap

…you will be the first to go.

I am in limbo. Pieces of me are scattered around. I don’t know how to respond or even react to what is around me.

I woke this morning to no beach and no sunrise that I could see from my apartment. I got up, brushed my teeth and made some coffee. Sat down at my computer to write.

It is all different today. Instead of sitting at a table on the balcony, I am sitting at my desk in my office. It feels familiar but it is a rude awakening that I am no longer on the coast.

After a 20+ hour drive home I was grateful to be here. Off the road and out of the truck. It wasn’t a bad trip home. Well, that isn’t entirely true.

Monday we got the call that we had to go ahead and head back so that MB could be in a class this week and then head to Texas for another job. We had just gotten a call Friday letting us know we could stay there until November, only to get another call that afternoon that it looked like we weren’t going to be able to stay unless they could find someone else to take the Texas job.

I know this company well enough that on Monday that call would come, and did. Thank goodness I was packed, and even MB was packed up by Sunday night because we had to roll out immediately.

The onset of a panic attack…I wanted to lay on the ground kicking and screaming, “Please don’t make me go.”

How am I ever going to get back? When I get home will the town and the people suck me back into my old self and suffocate me? Will I be able to resist the urge to succumb to the attempts to defeat my dream?

I have become complacent in my life. Giving up or putting aside my wants and needs to help bring peace and consistency to those closest to me.  Along with it, comes resentment. Especially now. My children are grown and I feel that it should be my turn. My turn to take care of myself. Nurture my own hopes and dreams.

Today will definitely be a test of my new self. Already life is hitting us straight in the face. There has been a death in the family.

My First Blog Post

My first...

...post on blogspot. I already have a blog, but think maybe this will be a better idea than blogging personal stuff on my website. Maybe not.
I am a mother of 4, married for 9 years to hopefully my last husband. So far so good. He either really loves me and the kids or he's crazy. May be both. Heaven knows that I'm crazy and love my children so it is possible for someone else to do that, too.
Just rambling now. Don't really know how to stay on a topic.

This was posted on December 4, 2008. I mention another blog. I have no idea where or what it was. I honestly don’t remember blogging in 2008. This is also the only post on this blog. The blog name is Ramblings of a Crazy Woman url is http://bcnaat.blogspot.com and I can’t remember my login or password.

Now my curiosity is peaked. I must find a disk or somewhere on my server where the original blog is located. I have journals dating back to 1984 when I started writing after my first son was born.

Well, I just found a blog from March 2008, it was depressing so I stopped reading it. When I am in a better place with myself, I will go back to see where I’ve been, how far I’ve come and where I’ve stalled in my life.

Once Upon A Time…

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in
your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction
you choose. You're on your own, and you know what
you know. And you are the one who'll decide where
you'll go." ~ Dr. Seuss

Fairy tales suck. Plain and simple. I think Dr. Seuss had more to teach us. Stepping out of the box (Green Eggs and Ham) is sometimes better than sticking with the norm.

A little girl watched her mother fixing a pot roast. Her mother cut it in half and put it in the pot. The girl asked her mother why she did that. The mother replied “that is the way my mother does it.” The little girl went to her grandmother and asked her why she cut her roast in half before putting it in the pot. The grandmother replied “that is the way my mother does it.” When the little girl approached her great-grandmother with the question, the great-grandmother replied “because the pot was too small, I had to cut it in half to make it fit.”

What Happens When…

I Don’t Give A Shit meets up with Who Gives A Fuck?

Apparently me. I have gray roots, in dire need of a hair cut, unshaven legs, ratty nail polish on my nails and toes and eye brows that the Bride of Frankenstein would covet.

I hate the idea of  going home. I’ll have to give a damn again.

Character, Morals and Reputation

 

Almost pulled an old Kay stunt today. Yesterday character, morals and reputation had a collision and it was ugly. Yes, ugly.

It involves, you guessed it, Mr. Eye Candy from yesterday. I know Mr. Candy. He lives here. He is the hottest 51 year old man around here – honestly has most men half his age beat by a mile. He took me under his wing when he discovered that I was staying here with two other men, MB’s co-workers, while he had to be in Arizona for the week.

Told me the best places to eat, where to find what I needed, and so forth since I was on foot. He even gave me a key to another apartment in case it got too uncomfortable living with the other guy bunking with us until MB got back here. No strings attached. I felt blessed to have scored such a friend.

He is 100% gentleman. He loves to flirt. I spend a lot of time with Mr. Candy and his friends. Herein lies the problem. Simple things like me coming into the apartment with a smile on my face from laughing so much listening to them talk or MB waking up from one of his doze-offs on the couch while tv and not finding me sitting here at the computer, watching him sleep or anywhere in the apartment. I’m downstairs sitting with the neighbors.

Last night Mr. Candy had a little too much to drink. Everyone else had gone home or in for the night. He needed to close his business up so I went with him to make sure that he would get it closed up tight. I figure Mr. Candy needed to be in bed. My character side just took his arm and led him inside his apartment, dumped him in bed and left.

Apparently MB woke up and couldn’t find me. He walked around the block looking for me. I was at the picnic tables when he got back. I get tired of defending myself so I just gave him a look – which he promptly misunderstood.

I will explain a little here: I am a recovering alcoholic. I lost my kids and my first husband because of it. Mr. Candy has two businesses he maintains, plus a job at the shipyard. Toward the evening, he drinks – sometimes too much. The look I shot Mike was one of “is there hope for my friend” not of “hey, I just slept with another guy”.

MB’s grand stand was “you just don’t go into another man’s apartment, it looks bad.”

In my head I’m building my defense, again. I get so weary from having to defend the right thing to do against the proper thing to do. I was repeating my mantra in my head “no es importante, no tiene importancia” (it is not important, it doesn’t matter) when a line from a movie popped into my head: “If it were the proper thing to wear a codfish on your head, would you?”

I just told MB that no one saw me, and that even he wouldn’t know if I hadn’t told him. I could have lied, told him what he wanted to hear and not the truth.

Things are not good today. We are barely speaking. I am barely speaking, I have nothing to say. I packed my bags, and started to shut down again, withdrawing into my own world and into my head. The old Kay isn’t entirely gone, but she didn’t win this round – she just wasn’t strong enough.

We did share something special yesterday. We put our feet in the Atlantic for the first time, together.

Eye-Candy

I use to write. Seriously, wrote novels. None of them published (it helps if you actually submit them to someone) but I wrote. Faithfully. Now I do good to write a text message.

I feel like Rip Van Winkle today. How many other 40+ year old women have recently woken up and said “This isn’t what I signed up for. Who am I and how did I get to be this person?”

I’m sure there are many. I know there are many. I read it in other’s blogs and see it on Facebook with my classmates. We are no longer in different clicks or statuses – we grew up. Life happened to all of us.

Not all of my life is bad, not all of me is bad either. I don’t want to go back and do it over again – so many things I would rather not have to live through again, yet those are the things that make me who I am today. There are, however, so many parts of me that I miss and would love to figure out how to re-introduce into my life today.

Okay,  I really have to say that this post is hard to write because there is a really hot guy distracting me down on the street. I can’t help but smile, he’s flirting with me. I like it. Its a nice distraction. Very nice. Nothing like a little morning eye-candy to put a smile on your face.

Hm. Now he’s offering to come up and give me a sponge bath. Hmmmm.

This actually has something to do with this post, I promise. I am sitting in a beautiful town. It is a seasonal town. Closes up soon. Friendships are made, good-byes will be said, and life will go on. The memories will be what carries us on through the real life we live.

I have forgotten what its like to daydream, fantasize. I feel guilty when I get this way, day dreaming about a sponge bath. Feel guilty because deep down inside, I would love for him to give me one. I feel like I’m cheating on my husband and family. I feel guilty for stepping out of the box, as in just getting involved in a little harmless flirting.

I also get a little angry with all of this. My marriage is, well, over. I still cling to it. Cling to thoughts of bubble baths, smiles and laughter. The thrill of us sneaking off or sending the kids to the sitter. Its all gone. Has been for years. This trip was to see if we could fix it. All it has proved is that we are kicking a dead horse. We love and care about each other. We just don’t like each other very much. We have nothing to talk about, and what we say to each other is just talk.

We have both changed. Both grown and evolved into people we don’t know anymore. Today if he asked me to marry him, I would have to say no. He feels the same way. Too much resentment in our hearts today. Spending a day together without one of us spewing out an old resentment is rare. We don’t talk to keep that from happening.

I’ll be heading home soon. I’m going to miss this place. Time stands still here. No worries, no rush, just time to breathe and relax. No regrets, and I will fanaticize about it for years. It will be my happy place that I go in my mind when life starts getting me down. Just knowing that just because I won’t act on them, options are out there.

Sucky Sunday

Okay, so not every Sunday sucks. In fact, most of them don’t. This one just does for me, and its not Sunday’s fault.

My world is an exciting place right now. My guess is that I just can’t handle it. Maybe like a kid in a candy store metaphor. Too much to do and I can’t seem to get enough or have enough energy to do a lot of it anyway.

Picture this, if you are brave…

Beautiful beach. Holiday weekend. Live music. Awesome, no AWESOME weather. I got up to watch the sun rise. Then I walked the to beach and listened to the waves crash against the shore. It was cold, but so exhilarating. I came back to the room and sat out on the balcony to read while waiting for the rest of the world to come alive here. I am hungry, I am walking out for McDonalds since its around the corner. Two of my neighbors convince me that Mickey Dees is not acceptable. The treat me to breakfast from a deli that is, well Mickey Dees was NOT acceptable. Okay, so I was exhausted walking the 1/2 mile to the place, and the 1/2 mile back (funny how you forget that there is ‘the walk back’ part) but it was worth it and heaven knows it was nice seeing the area.

Neanderthal man decides to wake around noon. We end up driving to get a few groceries and some other things. We come back, walk the board walk to grab some tees and some hoodies. Get back to the room, he throws back a few beers and watches tv. I sit outside reading my book. He falls asleep. I get invited to a party next door – this place is 4 stories tall and has a view to die for – so I go ahead and go. I’m there for about 15 minutes and feel the need to come back.

Neanderthal man isn’t happy. I try to get him to walk on the beach with me.

me: "Are we going to walk on the beach today? You know, put our feet in the Atlantic, together?"

him: "Yeah, let me finish this" (cigar – big ugly, stinks like hell kind, okay they all stink…).

me: Standing, then sitting, then making coffee, then reading, then seeing what he’s doing…

him: watching the ballgame.

Okay, so I get it. I am not allowed to be happy unless he’s with me and being happy too. Only problem is that he isn’t happy so I’m miserable. People say I am an inert piece of mass. They have yet to meet Neanderthal Man.

Sorry for the sucky post. Its just been a sucky day and it isn’t over yet. I am, however, not going to let him ruin such a beautiful place for me. Sorry Charlie, I am not doing this or playing these stupid games anymore.

Friday 5

1. What do you do when you have time to yourself?

Write.

2. When you look out your kitchen window, what do you see?

I don’t have a kitchen window. So I glance out of the living room – I see the apartment complex across the parking lot.


3. Who/What would you want to be reincarnated as?

A dog. I’ve been kicked, beaten, yelled at and/or ignored most of my adult life so being a dog would give me two extra legs so I could run away faster! Plus dogs seem to cope with life’s ups and downs better than I do as a human.

4. What is your biggest pet peeve about other people's kids?

Their lack of appreciation for what they have or what other’s have.

5. Regular or Diet soda?

Regular, please! Diet sodas taste too sweet to me.

My Beautiful Accident

This is for my son, Ian, my beautiful accident. Today he turns 18.

When someone says accident, we automatically think of something bad happening. Nope, sometimes accidental things are the most wonderful things.

My favorite top 5 accidents:

#5 - Searching for help with agina (chest pains, usually in the area of the heart) Viagra was discovered.

#4 - Trying to create a new refrigerant, Teflon was accidentally discovered.

#3 - A man (Percy Spencer) walked past a radar tube and it melted the chocolate in his pocket: microwave was born.

#2 - While trying to find a cure for food poisoning, penicillin was discovered - via mold.

#1 - Ian Smith, born in 1992. If he wasn't conceived, the world (especially mine) would be a less happy place.

Splendiferous Day!

Today we are double blessed! It is my son’s 18th birthday (Happy Birthday E-man!) and my step-daughter is having her baby today!

Correction on yesterday’s post: I am not sure how San Antonio got into the conversation about where we were heading next, but we are heading to Randolph, Tx!

Well, I was right in the first place, we are going to Randolph Air Force Base near San Antonio not Randolph TX.

Have a splendiferous day everyone! I know I will :).

Horrible, Just Horrible

Yep, that’s me – a horrible blogger. I haven’t blogged in two days. I’m going to blame it on the heat. Yeah, that sounds good, the heat.

I watched an amazing fireworks show on the beach from my balcony. I’m not right on the beach, but the view was perfect. Come to find out this is an every Wednesday event. Wow – how awesome is that!? No pictures, I was too busy ooh-ing and ah-ing.

Sat outside until 3 or so this morning with the neighbors. They were the most beautiful ladies I’ve met in a very long time. They even let me have one of their home-grown tomatoes. I hate to admit it, but Ripley ain’t got nothing on these tomatoes! Very meaty and just, well, good!

Now I am sitting here trying to figure out what the heck to do. Apparently as soon as MB gets back here this weekend, we will be packing up to go home, then on to San Antonio, TX.  I think the boy has lost his mind. I really want to be up North. He thought that Texas would be nice since I have family there. True, but I don’t have family in that area. And…Texas is a huge freakin’ state!

It should also be fun to try to pack all this stuff crap up for real since we won’t be able to make a few trips to move it all.

Are we having fun yet?