Today I am sad.
A 12 year old girl is lost.
Lost as in they can’t find her.
I know what they are looking for today and it saddens me.
Swimming 75 yards from shore in 55 degree water, after dusk…
Yes, I am sad.
I didn’t know her.
I only know of her.
My heart breaks for her family.
A series of unfortunate events.
I don’t mean that cold.
No one took her.
She just went.
There are no answers.
How do you find acceptance?
How does this family go forward from here?
Sad day. Sad day.
Please honor those that have fought for our freedom and our rights.
Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe weekend!
You are also not my parent.
…unless you are my mother and reading this
Sometimes I wonder if you are my friend.
…unless you are reading this, because my friends read my blog
It amazes me how one person can jump into and out of, and then into another ‘role’ so quickly.
I don’t want to be anyone else’s mother. I have four children. I am their mother. No one else’s.
I also don’t want to adopt a grown person.
You are also not my parent.
I don’t need to be told what to do, what I need to be doing and what I should have done.
You want me as a friend but you don’t listen to anything I have to say. If I have a problem, you interrupt me with a problem you’re facing that is oh so much bigger and badder than mine. Thanks.
You ask how my day was, and if it is any answer other than “it was good” then off you go again. Parenting me, needing me to placate you, or just talking down to me like I am ungrateful for anything I have going for me.
Heaven forbid I ask about your day because either it is none of my business or I get an earful of grief, woe and drama.
Again, thanks.
So…I don’t talk to you often. I honestly don’t know the right thing to say at any given point in our encounters.
Then you wonder why I don’t talk to you very often.
I need a new roommate!
I started working again, thank goodness! Going so long without working is a good way to drive yourself stir crazy and make you worry about money.
I have to say that I sincerely love my job. It is so challenging right now that I worry that I am not performing like I should so far, but I have been told that I am doing very well. Makes me feel better.
I adore how busy I am while there. Makes the day go by so fast. I also enjoy interacting with the customers a lot more than I ever dreamed that I would.
I hope that now I can begin to start blogging again. Once again I’m relearning how to balance home life and work.
I am also starting to feel some of the effects of not drawing a check for a few months.
Almost every penny that has come my way has been put into my truck’s gas tank. The hateful wench isn’t getting even the 14 mpg that she use to get. I am averaging about $8 a day to make the round trip to work. $40 a week. Doesn’t sound like too much to some, but when I only work 15 miles from home, well, that sounds really bad!
My cell phone is cut off because I can’t pay the bill. However, I will be able to get that knocked out, hopefully in a couple of weeks and be back on track there.
Then I can also focus on getting some more clothes for work and also getting my truck fixed so I can register it here.
I hope that now I am back out in the world that I can find some interesting things to blog about. Hearing about my home life is BOR-ING even to me.
I am also going to knock out those tutorials that I posted about, soon…
Face it, we can’t live without drama. We’d be too bored and we wouldn’t do anything new.
Shame that we are under the control of drama today that we can’t find ways to amuse ourselves or new and exciting things to do without the media, government or other entity creating drama for us to keep us motivated and from becoming stagnant.
The Apocalypse didn’t happen. Pretty obvious since we’re all still here.
I had trouble trying to figure out if it was to happen at 6:00 or 6:01. I also didn’t catch the time zone, either.
Now I hear that it started yesterday but won’t finish until October. Sweet, now politicians and religious leaders have their foot in the door to create more fear and play on it.
That’s how drama works. Let’s make up stuff or make little stuff really big. We love it. It keeps all the little realities of life seem manageable.
I happened to be listening to an evangelistic television program* the other night. I couldn’t help but smile.
Normal stuff dramatized to scare or encourage peeps to send more money.
Give me a business and a house and of course, I’m going to begin to thrive and not have to live in a dump (literally, this woman and her grand-daughter lived in the dump and scavenged stuff to sell/eat out of it).
Check back with me a few years later and see how I’m doing. Might be still knocking the world’s socks off. May be down and out, and losing everything again.
Just as we are better at finding fault with others, we are also more motivated to help others through their problems than we are ourselves. Obligate yourself to an extra $25 a month you don’t have to save someone and you are extra motivated to find the funds.
Yep, you have just done yourself some major good. Seriously, you aren’t going to work another job or extra hours just for that $25. You will begin to earn more than that and discover that you are getting yourself in a better place financially.
It also doesn’t hurt that you are feeling better about yourself so you begin to network more and see opportunities that you wouldn’t have when you had your head in the sand while sitting on your pity potty.
I’m not saying don’t help others. Its not only the right thing to do, it’s the natural thing to do. Not everyone is on top of their game 24/7. Sometimes we get so off our game that we do need intervention (aka help from friends and neighbors).
It also feels good to help someone else out. No man/woman is an island. Everyone possess talents that may not benefit themselves but can really help someone else out. Use those talents, too.
The world is full of different types of people and personalities. Embrace them all. Respect them all. If we were all the same then we would all die. Face it, I don’t have the intestinal fortitude to be a doctor. Thank goodness there are those that can be a doctor, a nurse or other type health care professional. I need them.
I adore those cashiers at the retail stores, the burger flipper at my local fast food joint and the men/women that keep that bathroom clean so I can ‘go’ in a decent place. Just because we don’t have the stomach or desire to do those jobs doesn’t mean they are any less important.
If everyone was a cashier, who would I go to when I need medical or dental attention. If everyone was a doctor, who would grow, gather or package up the foods we need to eat?
Who knows when the world is going to end as we know it. Who cares? When its over and done with, its over and done with. No one will care. No one will be around to care, and those left behind will apparently be zombies so they won’t care either. Its all good.
Live today to its fullest, and be prepared that you may get a tomorrow.
Help a brother or a sister out so that they can live today to the fullest. Prepare a path for them, and yourself, for tomorrow if it comes.
I love the AA saying of “take what you can use and throw the rest away”. This is what needs to be done with yesterday, and all the yesterdays of our lives.
Take the knowledge from those lessons learned, but don’t dwell on the lessons themselves. Kicking yourself for the next 10 years over a past mistake or misjudgments is foolish.
Focus on your mistakes and you are sure to repeat them. Focus on what you can do differently will affect good change for today.
Keep drama at a minimum or better yet, avoid it. Never ever let drama be a motivator.
Follow your heart and instincts.
If you have something to do, do it. If you have something to say, say it. (thank you Roy Masters!)
Don’t let your emotions control you. Apply the two-second rule before speaking or acting. Use those two seconds to connect to your ‘gut’. Let your instincts be your guide.
* I don’t watch tv AND don’t turn it off/change the channel when G is passed out. Don’t want to wake the beast so I suffer through or ignore whatever is on…
“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”
~Buddha
I believed what I heard. Not all of it, but most of it.
Strange that today when I look back on a few of those stumbling block comments that I heard many times growing up, and as a grown up, I want to laugh. Today I can laugh, tomorrow I might believe them again. It depends on how weak or strong my faith is at the time.
“You never finish anything you start”.
I may not be finished yet. Although I started something many years ago, doesn’t mean I’m through yet. I may have had to stop for any number of reasons. Children needed something, I didn’t have the resources at the time, someone else finished it, or maybe just maybe it wasn’t worth finishing. Oh, and that cake that I didn’t finish back in whatever year I started it wasn’t worth finishing after a kid ended up in the ER…get the picture.
AND…never is an over-used stupid word. That is right up there with no one/nobody cares about me. Everybody is doing it. Such an all-inclusive word that is so misused but yet so powerful.
“You are a horrible mother, guess you used it all up on _____.”
I am/was not a horrible mother. I have four children, and a younger brother that I thought was my baby. So, fill in the blanks with one of the earlier children’s or brother’s name…
Just like every other mother, or father, out there, its all trial and error. You do the best you can with your talents, knowledge and what is happening in your world around you at the moment. No two situations are exactly alike. No two children are exactly alike. They may be similar (refreshing to know that somewhere in this world there is at least one other person going through something almost exactly like what you are going through), to another person’s problem or issue at the moment. I am, just a big person with kids. No super powers, super knowledge or super anything comes with being a parent. Just more responsibility and you have to love each other through it all.
“If you can’t do it right, then don’t do it at all.”
I can’t seem to do everything right. Well, it depends on who’s version of ‘right’ that I’m following. For years I never bothered to try anything new because, well, I didn’t think I could do it right. Then I realized that perfection is unattainable. If we reach perfection in some aspect today, we will discover that it can be improved upon tomorrow. And…who defines what is perfect?
Today I will try to keep my faith in following what I know to be good for myself and others. It may not be what they think they need, but if I follow my heart (gut instinct) then it will be for their good and mine. (eg: not enabling an alcoholic or drug addict; not giving in to the will of others where my best interest is concerned).
I am excited and nervous. I am taking this path that leads to many of my hopes, dreams and desires.
I can’t won’t draw a map. I can’t won’t put down each step, turn or exit that needs to be taken. I can only see it in front of me and need to put one foot in front of the other.
I know what needs to be done. I won’t focus on the details because I will try to manipulate things. It is best I don’t think to far ahead.
I know what needs to be done, and it has to be done step by step. Day by day. No rushing. No running. No sight-seeing along the way.
Knowing what I want is enough. Getting there will come in its time. Step by step, day by day, breath by breath if necessary.
It was revealed to me that sometimes God doesn’t reveal His plan to us because we will get ‘all in it’. Try to help.
He has already revealed the plan to me and I tucked it away. It is in me now. I only need to stay true to my path, to my goals and remain calm and focused.
I am taking the road path less taken, because I am ready for change. I am ready to be true to myself and not take my normal path that leads to unhappiness, pain and frustration.
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken, 1920
I have been looking for work. I finally scored not only a job, but two jobs. One is with a major electronics store and the other is as a housekeeper for a local hotel. So excited, especially since the hotel is here on the beach so no driving involved. I start my main job tonight (training) and the housekeeping job Tuesday. Now to make sure that the first job is at night, which I requested, so I can do the housekeeping in the mornings. If not…well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
My youngest daughter is moving closer to her work, which will save her a lot on fuel. She is also getting her own vehicle! To top it off, she is hoping to begin studying for her pharmacy technician exam. This daughter also changed jobs right before the Memphis flood. I am so grateful because she would be out of a job right now if she hadn’t taken the leap. The casinos are closed, and so many people are out of work. I am so sorry for those that have lost so much because of the flooding.
Spring is finally here at the beach. It is still very cool here. Sometimes still cold (coats can’t be put away just yet). Spring is obvious here in the small yards becoming green again and the trees and flowers blooming, but the main difference is the boardwalk coming back to life. Construction is going on everywhere here. The winterizing of everything is being undone, damage from the winter repaired and everything is being cleaned up. Exciting times ahead!
For a change, this winter ghost town is coming alive with music and laughter. We all need the change here. It can become so depressing enduring not just the endless snow we seemed to have this year, but the isolated feeling you get on the beach when you live here year-round. Color, new people and traffic. Oh yes, traffic is already building here on the beach. I won’t allow myself to complain because now this beach is not feeling so much like an island.
Yes, spring is finally here!
…if you didn’t know how old you are?
Forever trying to figure out what I will be when I grow up, even though I’ve been many things as I’ve grown up.
Even though my children, all four of them, have already passed their 16 year old marks, I am still trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up. Still trying to figure out who I am and what I want.
Definitely 16. That wonderful age where life is still confusing, yet exciting. When I thought that there wasn’t life after 30. Maybe life after 30 was grown-up time.
Who knows, maybe I’ll act the age I know I am when I’m 100? Maybe not, I don’t want to grow up.
I can’t believe that April came and went. Shoot, can’t believe that this year is going by so quickly. Its not like I’ve been having that much fun.
Its been a tough year so far. I’ve handle it as gracefully as I can. So far, so good. I have learned so much about myself that its both scary and encouraging.
I am having brain farts memory lapses so I can’t remember too many specific dates, but I do know that I haven’t:
I do have moments of near panic about not having started work yet, out of money and still living with a raging alcoholic.
The last one being my straw on the camel’s back when the attacks try to surface.
The biggest thing I’ve learned, okay so not the biggest but one of them, is that even when things get scary they will all work out. I will be okay.
Another big thing I’ve learned is that PKS {Princess Kay Syndrome} is a huge problem with me and as I work on it I realize that I can survive beautifully, and be even more happy without all the fluff and dander that I think I miss.
Goals for May (@3in30) aren’t set yet. I keep posting what I want to work on for a particular month, never happens to work out that way. I find other things to work on instead.
I am reading The Four Agreements. I am not sure if you are suppose to read the whole thing then work on each agreement or just read and work a section at a time. I am working on a section at a time.
I have reach a point with the First Agreement “Be impeccable with your word”, where it is coming more naturally to actually mean what I say and follow through on it. I still catch myself saying something that can be a temporary truth, and the rest of the truth not be said aloud. I have lived my life with a backdoor {aka escape route} long enough. Not every situation needs an out. Having a plan B is smart, counting on plan B to replace plan A makes plan A a lie or a temporary truth.
I will work on this. I will not kick myself when I lie or half-truth things. I will just make myself aware and start again. Correct the mistake when possible and then go forward. The hardest times to do this, I find, are when I am cornered. I say things to get people off my back or just what I wish I would/could do.
The Second Agreement is “Don’t take anything personally”. This is a hard one. Especially when you are being attacked emotionally, physically or financially. I mean, how do you not take it personally when someone hits you or as the books says “shoots you in the face”? I try to relate it to a dog turning on someone. Then again, my left brain goes into the mindset that we are humans, not dogs. Can’t leash, tie-out or crate another human when they’re being mean. Hard enough to keep criminals crated much less just plain old mean people.
I guess I am getting this one since I don’t have crying spells like I did last week, the week before…
I am not taking things personally as often. Before if I didn’t cry I would get angry and lash out. Now I just, well, don’t react and sometimes don’t even respond to things that use to eat at me.
The best part is that I don’t try to analyze why someone might be acting that way to me. Its not mine to deal with in any form or fashion.
…aka Princess Kay Syndrome, rears its ugly head a lot in my life. Having no money to blow is revealing to me how foolishly I spend money when I have it.
I actually said to hell with it today and got the quotes for my windshield, exhaust tip replacement and state inspection costs.
Sounds normal, but in my PKS brain I want to get my nails done, have my eyebrows waxed, order a pizza, buy a new camera, pay my cell phone bill and get a pedicure. Maybe a massage to boot.
I haven’t checked on pricing before because I was afraid of how much it would cost {too much} and would say to hell with it anyway and feed the PKS in me instead.
Now that I’ve done that, I know where I stand and how achievable it is, if I can keep PKS at bay.
Forcing myself into this position has been hard {quitting my job knowing that another one in hand would be the best choice} but {Behold the Underlying Truth} I needed this time – in my face, up close and personal, live and in color to get my head on straight.
However, throwing myself in these situations isn’t the best route. Sometimes its necessary to hit your bottom before you realize where you need to go. Throwing yourself down on a regular basis isn’t healthy and I will take different actions from now on! I’m such a brat, even to myself.
Today is a special day for me.
I find myself trying to brush off these mushy feelings by thinking about just how old this makes me, but…
I can’t go there. Yes, I’m old. No, I don’t want a do-over.
I think things turned out pretty good. Aside from my mistakes, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Even then, changing my mistakes could take away the most precious things in my life – my children.
I won’t risk that.
I liked being a new mom so much that I did it 3 more times.
I’m not an excellent mom, perfect mom or even an average mom.
Today I am simply a very proud mom.
Happy Birthday to Lee, and Happy New Mom Day to me.
