Thirsty Thursday

Today’s post is brought to you by Kay on Extra Strength Tylenol Sinus. This means that there will be misspellings, grammatical errors and wonderings that will have an articulate 6 years in awe of me. I am also wearing a sweatshirt in 70 degree weather. Why, you ask…because I have the shakes and can’t decide if I’m cold or just have sinus medicine induced shakes.

First off, I have to say that I hate my blog theme. I loved it, but now I think its too dark. Might be that I can’t see well today but it is going to have to stay that way for now because I can’t remember how to change it at this very moment. I’m sure I’ll figure it out later, but right now I’m doing good to find the refrigerator to get more water since I’m dying of thirst.

What is it with sinus meds making you so damned thirsty? I am what, 120 soaking wet so I tried to do the math of how much water I need to take in to counter this dryness but my brain wouldn’t go there. It doesn’t seem to matter how much water I drink, I’m still thirsty.

And, wtf, my hands look like they are prune hands. Is that where the water is going? My fingertips? You would think after the gallons of water that I have taken in off and on all day that I would at least had a couple of bathroom trips. Nope.

I just checked my water intake technique, and yes I’m drinking the water not putting my hands or fingers in the bottle.

I brushed off putting in an application on a job lead today. No excuses other than I was sitting on the porch drinking my coffee. I noticed a bird on the roof, then I noticed the sky behind it was moving and that the effect just about made me fall out of the chair. Yep, Kay didn’t need to be driving anywhere today.

And, I just brewed a piping hot pot of water – for the second time today. All so I didn’t look like a drugged out, crying idiot for a potential job today. At least my head doesn’t hurt! Kudos to Tylenol for this stuff! Awesome job my peoples, awesome job. Now if I could just figure out how to not look like a drugged out idiot – which isn’t possible because at this point in time I am one. Wonder what I would be like if I took a full dose of this stuff instead of just half.

Woohoo, my drunk neighbors are home from work. It must be 5:30. Usually I enjoy watching them unload from their trucks (10 of them, 2 trucks) but today its just, well, overwhelming and dizzying.

Success! I actually made a pot of coffee this time. Maybe I can sober up now since I took these meds like 8 hours ago. Wonder if I can start dinner without burning the place down? Oh wait, dinner is already ready and just needs to be heated up. I made it last night while sober and in pain from my sinuses, so I could drug up today and not burn the place down.

Baked spaghetti tonight my peoples! Italian sausage and shrimp. Yummy!

Wordless Wednesday

 

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Tuesday Ten

Okay, this isn’t the same as a Ten On Tuesday, which is a prewritten list of ten questions to answer. Tuesday Ten is where I get to list ten things that totally piss me off.

I slept on it, yep, took a nap this morning and am still in a pissy mood so you guys get a Tuesday Ten from me anyway…brace yourself, it isn’t pretty.

 

 

1. I hate not being able to smoke in my home. When I first get up in the morning I want a stupid cigarette and a cup of coffee. I prefer not to stand in the rain, gear up because its 30° outside or have to get dressed to do this.

2. People, especially kids (grown), that tell you they want you to be happy. Yeah right, as long as you don’t do anything in the world that might upset their precious lifestyles. God forbid they should have to clean their own bathrooms, wash some dishes, clean their cats’ litter box, get a job. This chick ain’t playing the fucking whore just to keep step-daddy’s money coming in for you.

3. Same goes to ex-husbands that lie through their teeth just to keep you under their control. I’m gone, go on…pretend I’m dead. I find that is the easiest way to deal with someone leaving. What would you do if they were dead. I don’t mean wish them dead – just what the hell would you do if they had died. You’d go on with your life, duh.

3. People that tell you what a sucky parent, lover, wife, housekeeper, money manager and then get pissy when you disappear out of their lives. Strangely enough they can’t even be happy when I’m not there fucking things up. Oh wait, maybe it wasn’t me after all and they have to look in the mirror for a change. (see #3)

4. People that assume things. Accuse someone of something long enough and they will do it. Period. Hell, why not, they may as well enjoy doing some of the shit they’re getting accused. Wait, I even messed that one up. I’m with someone else but am divorced. Shit, can’t even get that one right.

5. I hate, hate, hate that I feel guilty about being happy. How many times do you think its healthy to downplay your life just so no one is jealous or realizes just how crappy their lives are? I am not always happy, but I am happy more times than not. In fact, 99.9% of the time I am in a good space and love life. So back off and quit trying to make me question it. Oh, and guess what! I bought a $5 lottery ticket (the only one I have ever and will ever purchase) and won $65. Take that you unhappy, unlucky bastards!

6. Men that talk down to or about their wives. Hussy, husserial unit, wifey, ball and chain are NOT terms of endearment. Men that look at porn (mags or movies) telling their wives or girlfriends that they do it to enhance their sexual performance or spice up the relationship. When guys even so much as do the ‘extended stare’ at a beautiful woman passing by it just lets us know how defective you think we are body-wise.

7. Women that allow #6 to continue. I fall into this category so don’t attack me on it.

8. Born again Christians, newborns especially, that want to save everyone and everything on the planet. AND recovering alcoholics.

9. People calling me lazy because I can efficiently knock out my errands and clean our apartment from top to bottom by noon – which leaves me plenty of time to read, meditate, walk on the beach and just flat out enjoy my life. Shit, can even throw a nap in there since I’m up at 4:30a every morning.

10. My top peeve for the day is people who keep telling me what I need to be doing, but can’t seem to do it themselves. If they stayed on themselves half as much as they stay on me then they could be making a hell of a lot of progress on bettering themselves.

Ten On Tuesday

1. What is your favorite decor item in your house?

A brown basket filled with Smarties, Blow Pops and Tootsie Rolls.

2. What is your favorite hair product?

Suave Smooth and Sleek.

3. Are you a good dancer?

Only when I’m drunk.

4. You get some good news, who’s the first person you call?

My best friend Susie Q.

5. Would you rather take pictures, or be in pictures?

Take pictures, definitely.

6. What is your shoe style?

Casual and don’t hurt or hinder me.

7. How often do you eat out?

Once a week.

8. If someone has food in their teeth, do you tell them?

Most definitely and I hope they would do the same for me.

9. Do you fold your underwear?

Hmmm, thongs are hard to fold so I guess that is a no.

10. Milk, dark, or white chocolate?

Depends on my mood and what it is in. Milk chocolate to just eat, dark chocolate in cakes and cookies and white chocolate in my espressos.

Job Hunting

I sincerely need an attitude adjustment while job hunting. I was considering working places I love to shop. That isn’t a good idea.

I went to Marshall’s. Yep, already had my first paycheck spent in my mind before I even put in an application. Two purses caught my eye. TJ Maxx, purses and shoes. Staples, computer stuff…

Not only is it hard enough to figure out what to put down as work experience when you haven’t worked in 10+ years, but when it comes to putting down your expected pay rate I figure it was easy.

Will work for shoes, purses, and/or other cool shit that you carry in your store. Then again, I don’t need any of those things, just want them.

Better yet, maybe I should work several part time jobs. Brake shop for the brake job I need, a glass replacement shop for the windshield I need replaced and then the DMV to work off my license, tags and registration. Then I can switch over to working for ATT, Comcast and Verizon to pay off those bills.

Do people still barter that way?

Sunday Brunch

G and I don’t say the L word often to each other. We choose to show each other instead of tossing that word around carelessly. Today he only had to work half a day…

He came home with a bunch of groceries, fresh olives from olive bar for me (I adore fresh olives!), a bottle of wine and fixed the most delicious brunch for us.

I have eaten well, had some delicious wine and snuggled up with the sweetest man that walks this earth. The day isn’t even over yet.

Yep, life is good and this chick feels the love.

Updates

…of more than one kind.

I use Window Live Writer to post to my blog. I updated my Windows Live stuff (messenger, writer and email) and boy do these programs look different now! I’m sure they will be easier to use – once I figure out where the heck everything is again!

It’s a wonderful 36° here in Hampton. The high is suppose to be around 55° and sunny so it will be another sweet day here on the coast. A little windy for my skinny self, but that is okay. I just stand sideways so it doesn’t blow me away!

In the two and half weeks that I have been here I haven’t had a headache or been sick. G wants me to have a flu shot. I haven’t ever had one and don’t plan on starting now. I’m so backwards that it will probably make me sick. No sinus problems, no bronchitis, coughing or sore throat (not entirely true – had to back off the cayenne pepper, it was killing my throat).

Grocery shopping here is adventure. Strangely enough I am having trouble finding corn tortillas. Bread choices are wonderful! All these delis and bakeries in grocery stores are a gazillion times better than in Hell, MS. There are olive bars. I kid you not, freakin’ olive bars. This means I can buy just how much of whatever type olive I want and fresh. I’m in olive heaven!

Food prices are also surprisingly low here. I’m sure that one is just a misconception on my part that since the money is better up here that the expenses would be high as well.

I also sleep so well. I wake up feeling good and ready to start the day. Okay, so maybe I don’t sleep in one spot all night because this is what my bed looks like every morning. Makes it harder to make up in the morning, but so worth it to sleep that well.

My back and hips don’t hurt anymore, my neck doesn’t hurt and I feel fantastic when I get up. Even the cold doesn’t affect my old joints and muscles – it actually seems to be helping ease up some old pains of mine.

Since we don’t smoke in the apartment, I have cut back on my smoking by 3/4. Yes, I am down to 1/4 a pack a day. Go me! I am also down to a half pot of coffee a day. Again, go me!

Not having a phone is a new experience for me. I do have a phone, but don’t give out the number. I can’t text on it since it’s a flip phone. I’m use to my Blackberry and thumb typing on a full keyboard. Now I have to remember how many times to hit a key to make a certain letter or number! Internet service is iffy here, too. Really keeps my computer addictions in check. Surprisingly enough, these ‘problems’ are a relief to me. Very freeing and now I can focus on what I really want to be doing without all the distractions.

It is also nice to use my brain for a change instead of relying on my phone or computer to help keep me organized.

Have a great day my peoples! Comment if you like, don’t if you don’t want to but please don’t email me with your comments. Just remember that life is good if you let it be!

Why You Shouldn’t Relocate

1. You might find happiness.

2. You might find a job when you couldn’t where you lived before.

3. You might find the love of your life.

4. You might discover that you really like yourself.

5. You might be able to handle the weather where you go better than where you lived before.

6. You might find surroundings and people that are supportive instead of holding you down with their own fears.

7. You might discover new talents and/or exciting things about yourself that you didn’t know.

8. You might discover that things you thought you enjoyed doing, you actually don’t like doing them at all.

9. You might find that you are healthier in your new location, not just emotionally but also physically.

10. You might live happily ever after.

Updated About Me Page

 

About me. Do you have an about me page? Because people want to know. Write a page that describes who you are and what you’re about or spruce up your current about me page!

 

I still have trouble with the ‘About Me’ stuff so I wrote it in 3rd person. Click the link above or here.

I Apparently Talk Bad About My Kids, and Wordless Wednesday With Maxine

It has been brought to my attention that I talk poorly of my children. I am wrong to do this. They are precious children, perfect little angels and mean no harm. I, as usual, misread their actions.

I mean, seriously, what right do I have to be upset that my cable bill is $167. Even though Comcast cut the service, I am still being billed for the internet since the modem hasn’t been returned. Silly me, I thought I mentioned that if they didn’t want to pay for internet and cable to please return the modem so Comcast wouldn’t bill me for internet service anymore. I obviously forgot to mention it to my precious angels.

Now that I look back on it, that text from one child threatening me with court if I didn’t send child support was just a cute child-like way of saying we miss you, please come home. Who on earth could possibly misread that text the way I did? Shame on me.

My precious ones also have been good to keep me on my mental toes, too! If I decide to come back to that area I have a real challenge ahead of me. I don’t have a place to stay anymore. I lucked out in getting that place with no job, no income and rent free for a couple of months. Now I owe back rent and damages ($1400+). Not to mention the electric bill that goes with the apartment ($298). God bless them! Such a loving way to encourage their mom to get a job and get back on her feet.

I just hope and pray that one day they can forgive me for talking bad about them.

Now for…

Wordless Wednesday:

And Your Point Is?

If you have something to do, do it. If you have something to say, say it. ~ Roy Masters

It has nothing to do with being ADD, being too busy or not caring. It has to do with people not getting to the point. Say what you have to say, do what you have to do and be done with it.

And I'll be satisfied, Not to read in between the lines
~Van Morrison, Sweet Thing

Why on earth would you want someone to have to read between the lines? How do you even know that they’re going to come up with what you’re hoping they’ll ‘see’? WTF? Say what you mean. Spit it out. It is that easy, really it is that easy.

If you feel that what you have to say is important, treat it as important. Quit dicking around expecting others to figure out what the hell you’re talking about, and quit complaining that no one listens to you – especially when you haven’t said anything since you first opened your mouth.

Rules, Rules, Rules

Boy my roommate has so many rules. Rules about this, rules about that -  rules, rules, rules.

Stuff like if you spill something clean it up. Dirty a dish, wash it. Clean as you cook. Rinse the bathroom sink out after using it. Hang your wet towel up on the rack. Dry the dishes and put them away when you are through. Turn off lights that you aren’t using. If you’re not watching the television then turn it off. Make your bed when you get out of it. Dirty clothes go in the hamper, clean clothes get hung up or put away immediately…

I am in pure heaven! I am living with someone that doesn’t have to worry about me breaking the rules.

There a few rules that I am having trouble with though.

Drinking enough water. I have orders (hehe) to drink two bottled waters a day. TWO!?

I also have to drink at least one glass of juice a day and am not allowed to live off of tv dinners and English muffins.

The one that gets me is that I cannot get out of bed before 5 in the morning. WTF. For some reason it bothers G for me to get up earlier than him and have coffee ready. I would fix his breakfast for him but he says it throws off his morning routine. I can understand not getting up with him at 4:30 and being in his way, but sheesh I have to lay in bed forever since I wake up at 3:30 for some reason.

He did let me cook breakfast for him this morning. He didn’t get off work until 11 last night and had to be at work at 7 this morning.

I have to say, even with his rules, I have the coolest roommate in the world!

Trying To Remember

I am trying to remember my children. I know this sounds strange. Please bear with me.

I have been living here a little over a week. My family shut me out, and I shut them out. I have been angry at them and the world around me. I am out of my comfort zone. Not a comfortable zone, but what I knew.

Now I am trying to remember them. Truly remember them. I haven't spoken to or seen my mom in months. I remember her clearly. Those that I've seen recently, well I have a distorted memory of them. I know that I have five children, one by marriage.

Child #1 is the one working two jobs and is recently married, he is tall like his father and the one that takes over when mom loses it.

Child #1a is the beautiful young lady that married child #1. She wants a baby. She has CTS in her wrist and it breaks my heart.

Child #2 is a young mother of a little boy that laughs and smiles all the time. She is living with an uncle and is looking for work.

Child #3 is a hard working young lady. She doesn't like her body shape, and has a very messy side. She changes her hair color often.

Child #4 is a handsome young man with no goals or ambition in life. Smarter than anyone I know, just doesn't apply it to anything.

I am not being mean. I am being honest. I wonder what they remember about me? The woman who cried all the time? The moody person that lived with us? The woman that couldn't cope with anything so she slept all the time? The woman who couldn't say anything nice, but kept talking anyway?

It is sad that we remember or are remembered by our consistent actions instead of who we are deep down inside or even what we look like on the outside?

See, what I remember about my children is what I faced every day with them. What they remember of me is what I faced every day, not who I am or who I was then. Our memories are based on what we consistently showed the world. We lived our problems, anger and disappointments instead of living our lives as us.

Child #1 has a smile that is heartwarming and a laugh that will put a smile on your face. He has hugs that make you feel safe and secure. He is tall, but not domineering. He has his father's hands. No, he has hands like his father. Strong, hard working safe hands.

Child #1a is a beautiful young girl that has a life force about her that is contagious. Her love runs so deep for others and it moves me to be more like her. I am blessed to have her as a daughter.

Child #2 is also full of life and love. She is a good mother. It shows in her baby's eyes and laughter. She has so much to offer her baby. He is one of the lucky children in the world. She can cook, too. Oh heavens can she cook. What a gift. I hope that she never has to find work. She is doing what she loves and does best - being a mother to her child.

Child #3 has the most beautiful eyes and smile. She sings instead of talking sometimes. Dancing around like a impish fairy. Its impossible to not get lost in her happiness and know that life is wonderful. She is a hard worker, and even though sometimes people take advantage of her kind heart she keeps being her beautiful, loving and giving self.

Child #4 is so smart. He also has street smarts that will get him far in his life. He has some ideas and views that scare others, but impress me. He will make a difference in this world. A positive difference.

There are so many other wonderful qualities that my children possess. I am slow on remembering them. It will come over time. Their true selves. Not what the world has or is doing to them. In my constant worrying over them, I have forgotten who they really are and what they are truly capable of doing. My worry has hindered them in overcoming these adversities.  They will prevail, I know this because deep down inside I know my children. Who they really are and what they are capable of achieving in their lives.

In my future I want to put aside the past me and show the world who I really am. It doesn't matter what happened to me yesterday, a year ago or even 48 years ago. All that matters is who and what I am today. What I want people to remember about me.

I have the most amazing, beautiful and loving children in the universe. Period.

Apologies

I have to apologize for some of my recent posts. I stay pretty much confused about a lot of things lately and tend to voice my opinion on my blog. I also use the F word a lot, cuss a lot, and just well, piss people off a lot. I’m not sure how, but I seem to hurt some people’s feelings – a lot. I can only assume that they are just a glutton for punishment. Read my blog or don’t. The choice is yours. Take what you can use and throw the rest away. I don’t give a fuck, damn or a shit.

I am beginning to understand why people don’t like you to get too far away from them. Especially when they’ve been lying and/or controlling you. They aren’t right there to keep convincing you otherwise.

My divorce papers read:

He gets the house, I get the truck. 11 years of marriage also entitles me to alimony. He said he would help me out, not bail on me financially so I didn’t put it in the divorce papers. I am not shocked that there isn’t financial help. Oh, let me correct that one. There was help, a little here and a little there but once I didn’t ‘act right’ then that pittance stopped. Now he claims that what he actually said was that he would help me if he could. Hm. I knew this would happen, I had just hoped that for once that he would do what he said he would do. I’m not the least bit shocked that he didn’t and won’t in the future. I would be shocked if he had proved me wrong.

I also sit outside and listen to a potential (not really, just a bullshitter) customer talk about how he can’t stand those free estimates/quotes he has to give. People are just window shopping. Yep, same thing you’re doing with me. If you really wanted this flyer done you would supply me with the information that goes on it. No sir, I haven’t even started on the graphics for it because you have no idea what you want on it. I’m not dragging out my printer/scanner or even going to open my graphics software to start because I will never finish it, which means I will not get paid for it and I’m not wasting my time any more than I already have listening to you talk bad about potential customers and trying to convince me that pot is a cure for ADD. Oh, and no I’m not calling you to tell you that I don’t want your business because you’ll end up with something else you want. My phone number and you’re not getting it.

All I need is another creeper.

I know what both of these guys want, and its not a flyer set up or a friend – they want a fuck buddy and I’m not your girl.

Yep, venting right here on MY blog. Guess what people, this is mine. I pay for it, I maintain it and yes, I write whatever the hell I want to write here.

I may go overboard sometimes in my rants. I may contradict my own beliefs and judge other people. I judge myself just as harshly. I’m learning that there aren’t really demons out there. The devil doesn’t scare me like he did when I was a kid. I never met the devil, only people. What it also said about the deceased by funeral home workers is true – there is nothing to fear about the deceased, only the living can hurt you. And they will, oh yes, they will if given a chance.

The worst part about all of this is that I am also guilty of doing the same thing. I couldn’t beat them so I joined them. Not the fuck buddy part or hurting people. The telling people what they want to hear, not what I’m actually going to do. This is obvious when I actually moved when I said I was going to move and where I was going to move. For once I actually did what I said I was going to do and did I ever piss people off.

As my father had been known to say (to my mother’s dismay) “better to be pissed off than pissed on”. 

Nice, Now Get The Fuck Away From Me

I realize that I live off the boardwalk. I also realize that our porch faces a main street that people walk either to the laundry on the corner or the soup kitchen right around the corner.

I love sitting on the front porch, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette (don’t bother, I know everything going through your head about cigarette smoking).  Heaven forbid I should sit out there with a cocktail or a beer.

Everyone wants to save someone. Usually not themselves. That’s a little tougher and well, let’s face it, we have too many excuses for our own behavior but can’t accept them when other people spout them about themselves.

Because the soup kitchen is on the way past our front porch, we do get to meet some of the sweetest people making their lives better one step at a time. Everyday you see someone that is getting stronger, gaining self-assurance and just out and out looking fantastic! You can’t help but point it out to them when they stop by to say hello.

What I don’t care for is now I can barely sit on the front porch without having to entertain some of the less enjoyable ones. No, not talking about the drugged out, need to be afraid of type people. I’m talking about some people that have been in programs so long that they ‘live’ it in the wrong way. They have no lives and are so busy trying to save everyone else that they have gotten absolutely nowhere in bettering their own lives. There are those that have also recently found Jesus and want to share His love and message with my obvious sinner lost-soul self sitting out on the porch enjoying the beautiful evening that God has given us.

I do try to let those slide since I do understand that those who help others help themselves. So preach on new lambs and yes, I do know what the 12-steps are and want to say “it also involves taking your own inventory, not mine.” Nope, just smile and let them go on hoping that one day they actually get it for themselves – because I would be taking their inventory at that point now wouldn’t I?

The most rude people that I encounter are people I actually know here. I sit on the front porch during the day as well. We don’t smoke inside so the front porch is where I smoke. I can smoke on the back porch, but honestly the view isn’t that great unless you like looking at a parking lot.

I can have my nose in a book and they will stop in their cars to talk to me, get out of their cars to carry on a conversation and seem to get upset when I say I need to get back to work (or ignore them by continuing to read). Okay, since I don’t earn a damned paycheck they think I’m lying.

I do have things to do. I call it work because it isn’t what I’d love to be doing like reading on the front porch, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette without having to try to carry on a conversation with someone else at the moment. Sometimes, just sometimes, I like sitting out there wrapped in a blanket enjoying the sounds of the ocean and breathing the wonderful salt air. I’m not lonely, I’m not sad, nothing is wrong I am just in a good place enjoying the moment and beauty around me.

I am taking a break from housework, studying or laundry.

At that point, work becomes something I want to be doing instead of hearing how little money you have made that day, how you can’t wait until your settlement is made so you can go on that vacation that you’ve always wanted and at the same time telling me that you can’t pay your bills. Oh, and that you can’t get a real job right now because it could blow your case in court and you could lose your settlement.

Oh, then there is this guy that is trying to convince me that pot is the way to go to cure ADD. Yeah buddy, let’s go from having too many thoughts to uhm, none? I’m already dinging enough so zoning totally out just doesn’t appeal to me. And yes, they said cure. ROFLMAO! Looks like its working for you and the handyman flyer just handed me for your business…so not calling you or recommending you. I am also no longer interested in designing your flyer for your business.

Off to the porch to see if I can sneak a smoke, a little coffee and few pages of my book before being interrupted.

I Hate My Blackberry

I do hate it. I never dreamed I would say that about a phone I’ve carried for 3+ years. I almost smashed it to pieces yesterday. I didn’t. I exercised self-control. It wasn’t my Blackberry’s fault. I couldn’t kill the messenger, it wouldn’t be fair. It sure would have made me feel better though.

There was a time, not too long ago, that my phone was my lifeline –literally. Blackberry’s are great for this, too! The only time I can remember my BB letting me down was when I couldn’t upload my pictures to Facebook.

Several weeks ago I stayed at a friend’s house in the country. The intention was a jumping off point to get me where I am today. Get a job, save some money and then move to Northeast coast. When I headed back to Mississippi after a mere week, I knew in my heart that it wasn’t a failed attempt at my goal. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but today I can. It was a training session.

I had a crash course (boot camp if you wish) in how to live without cell phone service, internet and instant access to the world around me. Without cell service I couldn’t send or receive text messages, emails or place/receive calls. I couldn’t hook my phone to my computer as a modem.

It was good for me. Very good for me. When I arrived back in Mississippi where my phone actually worked, and even had wireless internet at my disposal – it no longer was a priority with me.

Now I am here. I am grateful that my phone worked all the way here. My GPS system is in my phone. It was also my connection to the people here that were waiting on me, encouraging me along the way – my lifeline of sorts. I left Mississippi on the 3rd, hoping to get here on the 4th with some serious driving. My phone service was scheduled to be cut off on the 5th.

I made it on the 5th, early in the morning. I did the smart thing and actually brought a map and had the route marked in case they cut the service sooner than expected.

Here it is the 14th and I still have phone service on that phone.  Any other time, when I was so dependent on this phone, my provider would have cut me off for non-payment. I even told them that I would not be paying the bill, gave them my new address so they could bill me for the balance of the contract and specifically asked them to cut it off on the 5th. I still have phone service – I think. I did yesterday, but the phone is disabled today so I have no idea and don’t care to know.

Silly me decided yesterday to turn the phone on to see if anyone had called or sent a text message. Lately the text messages I have been receiving haven’t been nice. Family and friends showing their true colors, if you will, about how they really feel/felt about my move to the coast. It had been a week so I hoped maybe there would be a few well wishes, how are you doings and maybe a few updates about their lives. Nothing but a voicemail.

I had missed a call from my ex. I checked the voicemail and it was to tell me that we were officially divorced. I already knew that, but thought it was nice that he took the time to let me know. Yes, there was a biting remark about how I could do whatever the “F” I wanted to now, but I let that slide.

I responded with a text wanting him to have a copy of the divorce papers sent to my new address. I guess I didn’t sugar coat it, or sweeten it and probably just said “I need…” and that prompted another text of “I don’t give a shit about what you need now fuck off. “

They all want(ed) me to be happy. They lied.

I’ll be honest about but what set me up for the fall yesterday. I wrote my mother a letter to let her know where I was, how I was doing and what was going on in my life. It was a hard letter to write for many reasons and took a long time to write it. My mother worries and I wanted to let her know exactly what was going on with no drama added to make her worry, but letting her know that I was sane and safe. I also wanted to let her know how much I love her and appreciate how strong of a woman she has helped me become.

I also knew in writing that letter I was pretty much telling her goodbye. I don’t know when I will be back down South again, if ever. Yes, we will write and keep each other updated. Yes, I have a new phone number here but I am not giving out the number to anyone. Honestly, there are only two contacts in my new phone’s address book. My roommate and my mother in case something happens to me they can call her.

I am not sad today. I don’t even feel sorry for my family. That is their burden to bear – you know, standing on their own two feet and going on with life. I don’t want the drama in my life anymore. I want reality. Reality only sucks when you haven’t been real with yourself. I am being real today. It feels good. No, it feels great.

I am grateful that I didn’t smash the Blackberry to pieces. I will leave it untouched until I’m sure the service is terminated before I put the battery back in it so I can use it for an organizer. That is the only thing I miss about having my BB today. The silly software that I use to organize my life, make lists and jot thoughts down. Then again, I am discovering that my iPod had a lot of the same features. I may just retire the BB after all.

Home Is Where The Beach Is

I am loving my new home, on the beach! It is cozy and just too cute for words. Because it is a rental off the boardwalk, it has these little signs with sayings hung all around.

It is a little cooler here to me. The temperatures aren’t bad, it is the wonderful breezes off the ocean and the marsh on the other side of us. I love the way they smell, and the chills they send across my body.

I love going to town for things. Gives me a chance to meet new people and get a feel my for new home. I am still very much a tourist. I stop and take pictures of the littlest things that catch my eye. I’m sure one day I’ll be so use to seeing them that I won’t do that any more, but while its all new and exciting – pictures will be taken!

I have no regrets about coming here. Every day I check myself for doubt. Nope, none there. All I feel is relief, peace and serenity.

I don’t know exactly what the future holds. I never did back in Mississippi either. I do know that every day is fresh and new. There is no drama and what tries to surface or reach me from my old home, I shut out quickly. My little piece of heaven is going to stay drama free.

I met an interesting gentleman today. He is my new hairdresser. Very nice, excellent stylist and pretty damn cool. Through him I now know of a good tattoo artist, that there are grave walkers here – as in a group of them, and that he plays in a band that has opened for Breaking Benjamin recently. Sweet!

I also now have a killer haircut and sexy eyebrows. He wasn’t kidding when he said he would knock 10 years off my looks. Happy camper here!

Dinner is prepped, laundry done and errands run. I do believe it is time for a stroll on the beach!

Unfriended

I have been unfriended on Facebook.

By my family.

Sweet.

I leaped, and they didn’t like it. I hate it for them. I hate that they didn’t listen. That they didn’t hear what I had to say, or will say in the future. I hate it for them.

They didn’t believe me.  I leaped, and they aren’t happy with it.

For those that don’t know, I am a 48 year old, divorcee with four adult children. All of my adult life I have lived as a mother and a wife. I have no degree or super special skills that will make my life today easier than anyone else. When I left I took my money, my truck and my clothes. I left my apartment with two children living there and all the furniture and furnishings. I had no job there or anything to offer them so I left them with the same resources that they’ve always had. The only thing I took from them, is my presence.

I knew that this was something that I had to do on my own. 100% me. The ‘help’ that I was receiving to reach my dream was actually not help.

So I left. Quickly and quietly. I was gone.

Despite what others thought, I can drive 1400 miles in two days and without having a panic attack – not a single one. My truck didn’t break down while on the road, my brakes didn’t go out in the mountains and I didn’t get killed stopping in rest areas to close my eyes for a little bit. I didn’t get killed or raped while alone in the hotel room when I stopped for the night. Where in the world did all these fears come from anyway?

They weren’t real dangers, just imagination and playing the What If game that creates fear, too much fear inside of us. We imagine the worst, and dismiss what we want as too risky.  Playing the What If game makes FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real.

It was an amazing adventure. Simply amazing. I drove through Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey and even through New York (during rush hour). Then through Connecticut, Massachusetts, and then finally to New Hampshire.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do next. I don’t have a road map laid out of what I plan to do. Road maps are for driving, um, roads. Not for living life.

Of course I will look for work. Of course I will apply at the school here and go back as soon as possible. Sucks for everyone that feels the deep seated need to be all in my life that I can’t provide exact dates and times. They will just have to cope with it, or not. Their choice.

*Note: as of this writing, no child or ex-husband died because I left. Their lives have just gone on, without me. Also, I don’t feel one iota of guilt, so those trying to cast guilt my way – you are wasting your time.

Perfectly Sensibly Insane

I spent some time at a friend’s house in the country. Trying to clear my head, set priorities and move forward in my new single life with grown children. It was an attempt to take my dream step by step instead of running headlong into it – into the unknown.

I thought it would be good to work and go to school while there. Taking my time, working my way to make the move to New Hampshire perfect. Save money, go slowly, prepare, plan…wait. Wait. Waiting.

There are two things wrong with the above. One is the word “perfect”. I sometimes joke that if I were perfect then I would be sitting on the right hand side of God. Honestly, if I were perfect I would be God Himself. Even Jesus wasn’t perfect. He was a man. He had doubts, fears, pain, sorrow…

The other word is “wait”. Wait for what? For the perfect (that word again) moment? For no one to need me here anymore? The perfect degree that will net that perfect job when I get there? The perfect amount of money?

I wait for a lot of things. Those things pass and then there are more things that come up that require me to wait. Wait. Waiting…

I have spent a lot of time in emergency rooms. I’m not proud that we have to use the ER for medical care and we try not to abuse it. We have no insurance. I don’t have a problem with taking a sick child there for help and by the time we go, it is an emergency. It is also very expensive. “I will worry about the bill later” is what goes through my head when seeking help. It eventually gets paid, somehow, somewhere down the line. The urgency is what eliminates the “perfect” route of waiting until we have insurance or money to seek help. The priority becomes taking care of it by whatever means I have at hand.

There have been times that I have had to rob Peter to pay Paul to make sure that my children have something they need. Clothes, school supplies, and so many other things. The impossible became possible through focus and dedication. Not by stepping on others to get what was needed, but staying focused on the target and clearing away the non-important things to get the need(s) met. In most cases Peter and Paul never knew the difference. One just got paid before the other did.

Other times, we just had to do without a luxury for awhile. If you can’t pay for something, then you can’t have it. I’ve known this all along, but it became clearer to me when I was in the country. It was uncomfortable there, but not anything that would hurt me. I lost a lot of conveniences that I had here at the apartment. I didn’t die from it, although I threw many hissy fits. Then it hit me that a majority of these conveniences are also what holds me back from reaching my dreams, my goals.

It was scary, enlightening and exciting to see the effects of me not being here with the kids, too. They all realized that they didn’t need me as much as they thought they all did. They did great while I was gone for a month to New Hampshire, and did just as well when they thought I was gone for good when I headed to TN.

No phone calls from the kids. They were angry with me. I am dependent on people being dependent on me. I needed to cut the ‘cord’ and quickly – all the way, not like I had tried to do in the past. I didn’t like knowing that it would be anger driving them to succeed and stand on their own two feet. I did know, however, that would be exactly what would happen. We are all anger driven in this household. Anger is our true motivator to make changes.

I know I scare a lot of people with what I want in life. It seems impossible to them or its simply something they can’t imagine someone else even wanting in life. There are times that I think that I scare them because it awakens a sleeping dream of theirs. I often wonder if they are stilling that dream of theirs by trying to still mine. Strange how that works sometimes. We don’t encourage others because of our own fears. Fears of our own dreams. Fear of having to take a look at ourselves.

My dreams are simple. I want to walk on the beach every morning, I want to watch the sunrise and set over the water. I want to breathe the wonderful salt air. I want to live quietly where I can go to work, and come home to write. I want to experience snow up to my butt.

When I go this time, I will go. This recent attempt to get back to New Hampshire was a beautiful failure. I failed, but am not a failure. I failed only because I didn’t keep my eye and heart on my goal. The next time an opportunity is afforded me, I will be gone. Be happy for me, be sad, be angry, be scared. The choice is yours. They are yours, not mine.

I will stumble, I will fall – but I do that today here in the ‘safety’ of my apartment and life in Mississippi. I will catch myself or pick myself, just as I do here. The location will be the only difference. I will still be me there, I will still have my own burdens to bear and I will still have my character flaws. I will still fight my own mental demons and fears. I am not running away, just changing location.