Fabulous Friday {4.29.11}

It is a beautiful morning here at the beach. The sun is shining, no rain and no wind. Simply beautiful.

I am excited for Kate and William. I can’t imagine having to get married that publicly though. Not just a church full of guests, but so many all over the world watching it as well. I didn’t watch it. I listened to it, but didn’t watch it.

Not because I don’t love weddings, but because I can’t allow myself to fall into the fairy tale idea of love. Doesn’t work that way for this chick!

I’m the chick in the horror movies you scream at to don’t open that door!, don’t answer the phone!, or run you idiot, run!

I do {open the door}, I do {answer the phone} and I don’t {run}…

I am also the person who will believe you, ev-er-y time, until I realize it is a lie. Trust you until you give me reason not to, forgive the last time and repeat…

I catch myself saying what my oldest said to me when I was constantly saying what he wanted to hear instead of what I was capable or willing to actually do: “it’s okay, I’m use to it”.

The shoe is on the other foot, fits but doesn’t feel well and is just, well, ugly.

“Don’t listen to the drunk,” said the drunk.  I’ll learn this one, soon – hopefully, especially since they are drunk 99% of the time.

My father once told me that I must go looking for trouble because not that much trouble could find me on it's own.

I don’t understand why I do that, either. Is it self-punishment or possibly the challenge? Sometimes I think it is both.

I did manage to score a job yesterday. Go me! I am excited, too. It has created a few problems – no, it has revealed a few problems that I will overcome. I have time before I start. Waiting on the background check that can take 10-30 days. It only took five days with Goodwill so am keeping my fingers crossed that it will only take five again, not the 30 days that some have to wait.

In my heart I know that I will be blessed with what I need when it is time. Seems that Mother Earth and Father God are very aware of my spending habits. They protect me from myself and provide it when I actually need it.

Have a wonderful and blessed Friday!

Wordless Wednesday

As We All Know…

I have this fascination with the Seabrook Power Plant. I sit at the Harbor across from it almost every day to write.

{click on any image to see the larger view}

I decided that I wanted to learn more about nuclear power and well, more about this plant in particular since it is 3 miles from my apartment {as the crow flies} and 7 miles by road.

I discovered that they have The Science and Nature Center there, its free and the Science Center explains about the plant and how the energy is produced.

Amazed.Is.An.Understatement.

After being checked in through the guard shack – yes, it is on the same premises that the actual power plant lives, you are handed an emergency evacuation sheet. You know, in case there is an emergency there – like that ever happens at nuclear plants {insert sarcasm here…}, head about 1/4 a mile down a little road you find parking lot D, and the center.

Your first step is to sign in, and then take a few turns following green arrows, and then step into a simulator. Don’t get too excited, it only simulates the ride down to where the real stuff takes place.

I didn’t get too many pictures. Hard to take them when you have to remind yourself to close your mouth. A lot of information to absorbed as well.

I found myself counting streets up to see where the pipes were in relation to my apartment. I am on C Street (north of Seabrook) and the pipes are approximately 5000 feet off of K street to the east.

Okay, past that fascination on to the next area – fish and stuff!

There was a tank where you could handle the ocean life. I didn’t get any pictures 1) hands were wet from playing in the water, 2) figured my clumsy self would drop my phone in there and the lobster wouldn’t let me have it back…

It was a great time for me and I can’t wait to go back. I will walk the Nature Center’s Owascoag* Trail when the weather is better.

*The Land Of Many Grasses

I was in a great mood when I left, and this made it even better:

What I’ve Learned From The Easter Bunny

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey…

Learning Through Play, But Not Playing At Learning

As I walk down this road of personal development and discovery {other’s would call it my path to self-destruction} I am finding out a lot of things about myself that I really {as in REALLY} dislike about myself.

Because we learn so much through play, have come up with a new little game that I call B ‘n G. This is short for Butt ‘n Gut.

“Judge not lest ye be judged” isn’t correct. Maybe it is but I am finding that we are quicker to judge others when we are being judged. You judge me, and I will judge you back or someone else. Vicious circle of judgment going on around this world of ours. Shame. Shame on me, shame on everyone else that plays this ‘game’.

We judge others because we don’t want to take a look at ourselves. Our own ‘flaws’ whether they are real, imagined or just plain dramatized. More times than not, we are actually judging a quality or character trait that we ourselves have, but don’t want to face. It’s easier to see it and point it out in someone else.

I have never had much of a butt. I have carried the nickname BCNAAT from 1981 (first marriage). I have a Bad Case No Ass A ‘Tal. Now I have one. It isn’t pretty unless fully clothed. I have cellulite – aka dimple butt. I try not to be upset since I am a little very excited to actually have a butt now!

I have also prided myself on having a flat stomach. Even when I was pregnant you could see my hip bones (if you could avert your gaze past my gi-normous belly). That has recently changed. Upsets me to no end. Oh, change is good but NOT when it comes to this belly of mine {and my vanity rearing its ugly head again}.

So today, when I find myself judging others, I say “Butt ‘n Gut” to myself to remind me of things I, personally, need to work on about myself. Turn the focus back on myself instead of judging others.

I have chosen two things that I absolutely have control over. I can change these, if I really wanted to change them.

If I hear someone upset over their weight, and I see what they are eating I will try not to judge them. Butt ‘n Gut fits perfectly here. We are, instead, of kindred souls. We prefer to complain about it than do anything about it. Worse yet, we prefer to point out our flaws as we see them instead of changing them.

It is also helping me to learn to allow others who choose to try to push their character or physical flaw judging onto me, do so without it affecting me and my view of myself. In other words, not take it personally. Oh, I will do a quick check to see if it applies to me, and then I name it (flaw), claim it (not mine or not mine) and let it go.

I, like so many others, have so many faults, flaws and character defects that I dwell on as it is. I honestly don’t need help from others in seeing them and I certainly don’t want to be like those particular ‘others’ and damage someone further than they already are damaged simply by existing in this crazy world we live in today.

So, if you choose to play along, find two things about yourself that you could change {if you really wanted to change them}, and let that be your catch phrase when you find yourself wanting to judge someone else.

PS. This little ‘game’ is amazing in that it bleeds over onto other areas of your life through your subconscious. Like FlyLady and her ‘shine your sink’ ends up bleeding over into the rest of your housecleaning without you even realizing it.

I’m Sorry

This post is for my first child, Lee.

As I stood in the kitchen this morning getting a verbal berating from my roommate, I had a flashback to a previous time in my life.

 

You just broke your child. Congratulations. (post by Single Dad Laughing)

Read it, or don’t... The title says enough, the article makes it painfully clear.

I am not a sane person. I am an emotional cripple. My parents didn’t break me. I was just born with a fragile ego.

My problem, and is a sad sad sad excuse for my behavior over my lifetime. Excuse, mind you, not a reason for my behaviors.

I remember the day today just as clearly as if it were yesterday. No, that’s not true. I remember it as though it just happened.

My life was in chaos. We had just built a house, I had just had Elizabeth, and my father had passed away. My marriage was faltering on the edge. I was insane.

Everyone around me suffered. I tried to numb the guilt of my insanity inability to cope with alcohol. It numbed me, but not my mouth and my ability to lash out at everyone and everything around me.

At the time, I literally hated my husband John. Hated him with a passion. I don’t understand why. He worked hard to provide for us. He was a good husband and father. I think I hated him because he couldn’t fix me. Couldn’t fix what I was going through.

Lee wasn’t much older than 3 years old. Maybe 4. I don’t remember that part clearly. I do remember constantly letting Lee know how much I despised his father. How much I hated him and wished he were dead. Yes, that angry and petty.

I do remember me crying all the time. I remember Lee trying to make me feel better. I remember when John would try to shake me out of my funks (verbally, he was a kind and gentle man physically) Lee would stand between me and his father and scream to John to “leave my mommy alone”. What a burden for such a young soul. He was trying to champion his mommy.

Then I did it. I broke my child. Lee was being a normal toddler and it got on my nerves. I said, “you remind me of your father.”

Fuck.

The look on his face said everything. I can still his face today. Congratulations Kay, you just broke your child.

I tried to take it back. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t mean it that way. It was too late.

The look on his face said that he wished I had killed him instead of that. Beat him. ANYTHING but that.

I left shortly after. I had to leave. I was slowly destroying my family.

Lee, I left you, Elizabeth and your father so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore. I couldn’t trust myself to not do it again.  I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you. I left because I hated what I had become.

God had given me the most precious gift in the world, and I was killing you emotionally.

Lee, can you ever forgive me?

Thursday Randomness

Only because it is Thursday and my ADD is kicking in worse than usual.

Why does my hair, when it grows out from me using clippers, insist of turning into a mullet? I mean, seriously, just because I’m from Mississippi doesn’t mean my hair has to look like it. Bad enough I’m in the North with a thick, sickly sweetened Southern accent.

When growing up I constantly heard that I needed to stop worrying about things later and worrying about them now AND “don’t worry, give it to God”  or “worrying is a sin”, yet I gave Him my phone bill and it still isn’t paid. So, do I worry or not? Come on peoples, pick one so I know what to do.

Sad when I think that my two favorite retorts today are “It appears that alcohol was involved.” and “It appears that a man was involved.” Worse when they become “It appears that alcohol and a man were involved.”

My mother didn’t call me on my birthday. Okay, so we have been playing phone tag since Saturday and it makes me worry that I haven’t been able to get in touch with her or received a call since Monday. I am trying not to worry, but that isn’t going well.

Strange how when you’re home you want to be somewhere else. When you are somewhere else, you want to be at home. WTF?

I worry constantly about my weight, yet wish I was heavier when these winds up here kick it up to 25mph or more. I asked to borrow a friend’s bike the other day and with today’s winds I’m rethinking the idea that I will ride instead of drive. Definitely disastrous results if I go there. I could be like that old lady in the Wizard of Oz…

And…why can I not get rid of this belly pooch. I am thin except for this belly. It has gone from just being a little overhang on my jeans to a brand – Dunlap. Ugh. I appear to be in my first trimester, at 49? I am practicing a new posture technique I call ‘suck a gut’.

My daughter and best friend are having lunch together today. I am jealous.

The sun is deceptive today here in New Hampshire. Its still freaking cold out there.

Okay, so I’m bored with this so ta-ta for now!

And…The Last 16 Years + 1

1995 – 2011

I know these are probably not the most interesting blog posts in the world. I will be honest, they are for me. Just taking a little walk back through time to get over this oh my f-ing gawd I’m freakin’ 49 now burning daylight and accomplished what????? over the past 49 years deal.

In 1995 I decided that my children needed more than I could give them. Honestly, I was in dire need of some assistance from my family and friends. I was losing it again, and fast.

I had been away from Memphis so long that moving back there was damned near traumatic. I had been living in small towns and to move back to the city was a little overwhelming.  The city had changed so much I didn’t know where things were anymore.

I probably cried for the first week I was back home.

Scored a total awesome job at a logistics warehouse, got my own place and settled in. My goal was to remain single and just be a mom. Seriously, after two failed marriages you begin to question your ability to choose a proper mate.

That is when I met my third, yes I did it again, husband.

We married in 1999, and stayed married for almost 12 years. How he managed to stomach me that long, well I’ll never know although I’m sure him being out of town 50% of the time didn’t hurt. During that time we did have a ton of fun. Bought a house, bought a lot of different cars along the way and I had an excellent father-figure for my children.

Not much happened to me other than being a mom. I loved every minute of it. My kids, their friends, the constant activity...even the drama was a wonderful part of this time. Okay, so sometimes the drama led me to take anti-depressants, but only because Miss Fix-It Want To Make The World A Perfect Place couldn’t fix-it or make it a perfect place.

I attempted college again. Only to stress out and quit after the first year. I honestly had no idea what I want to be when I grew up, grew up and still clueless.

I became a grandmother {total awesomeness}. Saw my oldest marry. Watched my children grow and evolve into their awesome selves. 

Last year, after my divorce from my wonderful husband (no sarcasm here – do not attempt to add any either or I will have to kick proverbial butt) I moved my insane self to New Hampshire to experience the New England states and have myself a real winter.

THIS is what my blog is about. My adventures here and my new life. I am still the same person, just relocated the my insanity.

I still don’t know where I’ve been, what I am doing or what the future holds for me.

I seem to be repeating my life over and over again in 16 year periods. So it appears that this next 16 years, if given them, I will be reborn (moved to New Hampshire), experience a lot of drama, mess up my life, get and lose jobs, move around a lot, regret my mistakes, make them again, and write about it all.

I am, after all, a creature of habit. The only difference is now I have a blog instead of countless journals…

The Second 16 Years

Years 16-32 of my life? (1978-1994) Wow, this is where my life started getting stranger and stranger.

Let’s see, the discovery of alcohol and drugs, boyfriends, sex, racing my car, concerts, jobs, marriage, children … and the death of my father.

When I was 16, we moved from my childhood home on Joslyn to Lake Windermere.

That move was traumatic to me. I didn’t want to leave our home. I wanted to stay with my friends. I didn’t want change – even if it did include me having a phone in my room and my own half bath. Dad also threw in a small sail boat to sweeten the deal.

 

I also had my choice of waiting until I graduated to get a new car or I could take my older brother’s old car. I opted for the second one – you know, that instant gratification deal. Not to mention it was a totally sweet car!

Okay, so maybe my parents did spoil me a little bit.

After graduation, I worked for a year and then I got married. Had a couple of pretty awesome kids, bought a house, sold it, bought land and built a house, my father passed away and then I lost my mind. Ended up crawling into a bottle of cheap wine and getting divorced.

I then lived in a trailer (as in trailer not mobile home) and worked in a bar. Nice part about working there is getting a good look through the regulars there at myself. Sobered up, and moved on with my life.

Married again, had two more awesome kids and ended up divorced. I won’t post the details here but the marriage wasn’t pretty.

Survived an assault on my life.

Went to college for the first time in my life. I took general auto mechanics. Instead of going for computer programming as planned, my truck had just blown a head gasket and auto mechanics seemed to be the course I needed to take. Although I don’t do this for a living, it has been an asset in my life more often than not.

Whew, and that isn’t even when it gets the weirdest…

The First 16 Years

Yes, today is my birthday. I am actually happy today and excited about it all.

Here is something that is being reposted on Facebook:

My curfew was the street lights and my parents didn't call my cell, they yelled "time to come in".
I played outside with friends, not online.
If I didn't eat what was made for me, then I didn't eat.
Hand sanitizer didn't exist, but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap.
You got up before 8 am, otherwise you were burning daylight.
Re-post if you drank water out of a garden hose and survived!!

It goes along with some of the major things I remember about my life – the awesome stuff anyway!

I don’t know what our financial status was growing up. I’m guessing upper middle class? We never did without, but we also did without.

Some things I remember are pay cash for everything but your home, never buy a cemetery plot since you don’t know where you will end up, buy only what you can afford, buy the best you can afford and if you can throw money at it to fix it – throw money at it. I don’t remember ever going hungry or not having health care when I needed it. I also remember not having anything and everything that I wanted, either. I knew people that had money. They were pretty obvious about it. I believe we did, too. My parents just weren’t frivolous.

Sodas were a treat and we didn’t go out to eat often. We did only on Sunday afternoons and for special occasions. On those special occasions we wore our nice clothes and I think our parents were gradually testing our ability to behave in nice restaurants/public and our knowledge of what fork to use during a specific course. Yes, some of these restaurants were very nice.

Okay so that ‘throw money at it’ still baffles me. Probably because I, personally, rarely have money to spend on regular stuff much less throw money at problems to fix them. I, unlike my parents, have no financial sense.

Some of my favorite memories of childhood involve riding bikes, climbing trees and playing with the neighborhood kids in our yard.

Mom always kept popsicles in the freezer out in the storage room. She said she did it so the kids would gather there and she would always know where her kids were. Smart mommy.

We had the trampoline, jungle gym and the best yard for football in the neighborhood! {all before suing your neighbor became a problem when someone got hurt}

I was the middle child. Not such a bad thing when your siblings are brothers and you are a tom-boy.

We would go to Arkansas and camp out. Eventually we ended up with a trailer on the property. The long walks down to the creek to swim (and bath – brrrrr). Mom and dad would challenge us to see who could catch the first crawdad. Yep, they were sneaky in how they got us to just jump in that cold creek! Mom said she thought that the cold water surely would kill whatever the soap didn’t!

Family time! Omgosh! We had more fun. I actually, living in Tennessee, knew my Texas family so well. Either we were in Texas, or they were in Tennessee or better yet, playing with us in Arkansas.

My father coached football and my older brother played. I didn’t mind going to games because I would just play in the dirt or on the school playground. Never really got into the game itself, although I did go to Memphis State games with my father (now it’s the University of Memphis) and my older brother’s games.

In appreciation of my father working with the youth sports, he was gifted a professional outdoor basketball goal. It was an exciting day when they came out with a huge crane and other equipment to install it at our home. From then on, if we weren’t playing kick the can, riding our bikes or playing tackle football in the yard we were playing basketball in our driveway.

We swam at the YMCA. Eventually, due to my father’s love of golf, we joined a country club. I don’t think that lasted too terribly long. My family didn’t fit the Country Club scene, but boy did we enjoy swimming lesson, the diving pool and the ride in the back of the pickup there! Yes, we rode in the back of the pickup.

I learned to drive that truck. I learned first in an old Volkswagen semi-automatic. No silly peoples, not a gun, a car! You had to shift it, but it didn’t have a clutch. Then I moved up to the truck. Dad believed that if you could drive a stick (standard shift) then you could drive anything. This was a wise move on my father’s part since I had been put in more than one situation where I needed to drive a stick (2001, 24’ moving van…).

I don’t remember accomplishing anything major during  my 16 years of life. I did survive. Survived playing in the woods, playing in creeks, climbing trees, riding bikes and my parents survived me learning to drive.

My Mind

…is a scary place

I don’t recommend anyone trying to get in there. I have enough trouble getting back out and can only imagine what kind of trauma it would cause someone else to end up in there.

I go through moments where I am stuck between being so sad and then to being okay with everything. Doc says I’m a depressive personality. Mom says I am just a sad soul. People around me just say I’m spoiled and think I’m a princess.

It has a ‘label’ –> Depressive Personality Disorder.

I don’t have depression all the time. It comes in waves. Usually marked by a particular event in my past. Sometimes it is marked by an upcoming event. Again, triggering events from the past.

I am discovering a lot about these triggers in my job search. Those questionnaires that you fill out online are hard to answer at times. For a given situation do they mean in everyday life or on the job? See, I usually handle work differently than I do personal events. But…eventually my personal life and emotions will overwhelm me and then it affects my job.

I also realize that these questionnaires are what make it so hard for me to apply online instead of in person (which strangely is becoming the norm, I am told to apply online more times than not).

Do I have five (5) or more of these traits¹?

1. usual mood is dominated by dejection, gloominess, cheerlessness, joylessness, unhappiness;
2. self-concept centers around beliefs of inadequacy, worthlessness, and low self-esteem;
3. is critical, blaming, and derogatory toward self;
4. is brooding and given to worry;
5. is negativistic, critical, and judgmental toward others;
6. is pessimistic;
7. is prone to feeling guilty or remorseful.

Yes. Numbers 3, 4, 6 at times, and definitely 7. When the mood hits me hard, #1 is my total mood. Thank goodness it isn’t my usual mood.

Now that I am becoming more and more aware of my moods and what effect it has on those around me I can begin working on changing this.

I will call this the Princess Syndrome. Now to bring this Princess back to reality and keep her there.

When Life Keeps Kicking You

Kick back comes to mind.

Kick back? As in kick it back, like in the face kind of kick back or put your feet up and relax kind of kick back?

I’m in a funk. I am trying to remember some of the positive things I’ve accomplished in my life. Yes, life has kicked me repeatedly and yes, I am down and it still keeps kicking me.

I don’t want to lose hope. I am finding it hard to not shed a tear at the smallest unkind word.

I overheard a conversation between two lovers.

Him: “Why can’t you come?”

Her: “I already came, what more do you want from me?”

Him: “I want you to come again. What’s wrong with you?”

Silence

WTF!?

It, strange I know, reminds me of similar conversations I have with people I know.

I am having trouble finding work. The comments that hurt worse than anything right now are “you are so techie, you should do something with computers” and “quit messing around and find something, anything”.

The first one is a no brainer. I am techier than most people that I know. I am not, however, a specialist in anything computer related. I just have enough knowledge to get me by.

The second one cuts like a knife. I have put in applications for everything from tech to fast food. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

All I can think of is “what is wrong with me?”

I am trying not to lose hope.

What I am facing has me as a stand-still. Like my youngest son, I am without transportation. I have a truck, but my tags are about to expire. I am also out of money, and out of fuel. I try to be grateful that I have a roof over my head and food in the apartment, but…

All my applications either have to be put in online or by mail now. Next problem, what if someone calls for an interview? How in the heck am I going to get there? Walk. I will walk. What’s a 10 mile walk anyway? Not to mention that I haven’t had any hits on my applications or resumes as it is.

I am trying not to lose hope.

I am trying not to cry. “Don’t play the girl card, Kay.”

I Hate April

Okay, so I don’t totally hate April. Just really dislike it a lot.

~

Today is the 30th anniversary of my first marriage.  I remember it as if it were yesterday.

We ran off to get married. It was a nightmare. Trying to get blood tests and find a justice of the peace wasn’t easy. My best friend met us at the JP’s place of regular employment (a warehouse) and we got hitched.

He was wearing his usual western shirt, wrangler jeans and cowboy boots. I had on my regular tee shirt, Levi jeans and Nike tennis shoes.

I don’t remember our divorce date. It was sometime in July seven years later.

It wasn’t a totally failed marriage. We have two beautiful children.

When he passed away a few years ago, I cried more than I dreamed I could cry. Once you truly love someone, even if you can’t stay married, you always love that person.

~

Ten days ago would have been the 12th anniversary of my last marriage. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

All four of the children were there. We had to find a JP immediately because it was rare that all four of my children would be together with me for a weekend. My oldest son was the witness. Such a special day.

I know our divorce date, only because we haven’t been divorced long and I still have a copy of the final decree on my computer.

~

There is a marriage in between those two. I still care about him, but honestly have no contact with him. We were married in January so he doesn’t fit my ‘I hate April’ scheme.

The only good thing about that marriage that I remember is that we have two beautiful children.

~

My birthday is coming up. I don’t like my birthday.

It is in a crazy, memory filled month and it also is a constant reminder of just how old I am. How many hopes, dreams and goals that I still haven’t realized in my life.

As the saying goes “I’m burning daylight”, and still don’t have a plan to achieve any of them.

~

On the good side of April, it marks Spring taking its grasp on the world. A time of renewal and growth.

It marks the anniversary of my son and his beautiful wife’s marriage.

It also holds the birthday of my precious grandson.

Miranda Warning For Couples

You have the right to remain silent.

I have the right to remain silent, however, you must answer all my questions and yes, there are wrong answers even if it is the truth. Depends solely on my mood and what I choose to believe at the time.

Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law.

I will twist and turn what you so around so that everything that comes out of your mouth is my weapon. If necessary, it will go to court.

You have the right to speak to an attorney.

My attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.

Just kidding. Hope you find a good one and can afford them.

Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Even if you do, they are subject to change as I see fit, depending on my mood and what I want.

Super Lazy Sunday

Have spent a majority of the day in bed. Not sick, just enjoying being lazy and getting a lot of rest.

Tried, as in attempted but did not succeed, in learning some simple techniques in Adobe Illustrator.

No wonder people who can use this program make good money. They should, it isn’t easy.

I will get it though. Not today, but one day it will click. If not, then I will find a class on it.

Oh, I have also attempted (see above) I learning some simple techniques I Adobe Photo Shop.

I am afraid that by the time my 30 day trial is up, I will still be trying to learn simple techniques.

For now I will have to stick with GIMP and Paint Shop for my graphics. Doubt I can get a job using either of those but at least they work for me.

Have a splendiferous Sunday everyone!

Unfinished Business

Today I have to decided to face what crosses my mind all the time. Unfinished business. I have so many loose ends that need to be tied up.

No, they aren’t detrimental to my physical self to remain unfinished, but sure are to my brain. I can’t even remember everything that I need to get done, much less finish it all lately.

Most of it is just things I want to do with my blog, some with my future and the rest are just things like filing stuff for future reference.

A good example of this is me going to Newington to walk the malls. I realized that I had no only forgotten my application to a store there, but that I haven’t even filled it out.

Just good old Kay procrastination in motion. What a contradiction! Procrastination in motion!

A majority of them are silly honey-do type things. Fix the passenger side electric window. Fix the passenger side door handle. As I sit here in the truck, on the passenger side to have more room, I would love to be able to roll this window down. It would also be nice not to have to explain to new passengers in the truck how to close the door sans handle – especially since I can’t roll the window down so you could grab the door to close it from the inside.

Other things require a lot of time and focus, which I seem to lack often.

I want to learn both HTML5 and CS5. Both require some reading and research on the internet. I find it hard to concentrate on this at the apartment. Too many distractions, mainly my roommate.

I am going to start listing these things. Probably need a few notebooks to jot everything down – then again, I am so easily distracted that it would probably be best to carry a voice recorder around so I can record them as I think of them, no matter where I am.

The only problem I find with that is I hate the sound of my own voice so I never play my recordings back!

How My Roommate Is Kissing My Butt

I have to admit that it was mean. As in, I lashed out in a cruel way.

You can read about it here, if you want.

After I went to bed, G left for a bit. When he got back I could hear him putting things away. He was talking to himself while doing it.

Its all so cute, sweet and just plain weird.

“Okay, so there are some cupcakes. My girl likes cupcakes”.

“Oh, and some Spaghetti O’s without meatballs, because my girl doesn’t like the ones with meatballs”.

“Lots of chocolate milk, because my girl likes chocolate milk”.

My girl?

Cute, sweet and just plain weird. G and I are not a couple.

He also crawled into my bed this morning (get your mind out of the gutter, we were both clothed) and he said that he would fix dinner tonight when he got home. Recommended that I go to the employment office here and who to talk to when I got there. He cleaned the kitchen before he left.

He has also called telling me to ‘have a good day’.

All good until he comes home drunk again. Wonder how I will eventually lash out this time? I used up the good stuff in one sentence last night.

Irritants

Today I’m irritated by too many things. Just wish that things could run a little smoother more days than not.

My web provider

Not to mention any names (coughipowercough), but after 5 years of excellent service you are truly dropping the ball.

Not only have you billed my debit card for a domain that I no longer wanted, yet had it set at ‘manual’ payment – you hit my debit card anyway. fail

I go to check my web site (Burgundy Realm not blogspot) today for comments, and can’t access my site. I can’t even access my billing page. I call customer service. Always pleasant since they can never hear me. I have to spell everything. As in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. fail

They play some awful music FREAKING LOUD while you are holding   – which I guess is in hopes that you’ll be screaming when they answer after being deafened while on hold.

Now I can get into my site, but not the dashboard? fail

My old job

When I started working there, I worked for a month before being paid. Why? They hold back a check, and I started working at the beginning of the pay period. My last check was for the last two weeks. Hello? There is a check missing somewhere in there for about 76 hours. I sure would like that one, please. fail

The employment agency

I end up driving to Portsmouth to go to their office. I sign in and they have me sit at a computer and fill out information, so forth. I got a couple of hits immediately, which is nice, but I could have done all that from here. Not miles from home, on someone else’s computer? WTF? fail

At least I could print off my stuff for free. nice

The idiots at the laundry mat next door

Wonders never cease to exist. The people are parked in the drive. Behind them is the street with ample on-street parking. In front of them is the parking lot. You can, well hopefully you can, see straight ahead that there is a parking lot and more apartments. Stairs and everything. Nope, these people want to park right there in the drive so they don’t have to walk.

This means that no one, that lives here or those who are smart enough to use the parking lot, can get in or out. fail,fail and fail

Me

Okay, so I tend to lash out (duh). We all know by now that my roommate G is a drunk.

Well, G had gone a whole 5 days without drinking. Two of those because he was sick. Yesterday was the deal breaker.

Yep, he had a few before he got home yesterday. Drunk and angry don’t mix with him. He isn’t physically violent, just takes out on verbally whoever is around.

Okay, so I hear things like:

“I can’t fix your problems Kay”
or
“If you’re going to stay with me this summer you have to find a job Kay”
or
“I thought you were going to fix dinner Kay”
or
“Why am I the only one that cleans around here”

I probably should have used and instead of or because I heard all of those an more last night.

Okay, so eventually I lash out. I can only handle so much of a fit before I walk away or lash out. I kept walking away and he kept following me around. So, what had happened was…

Sooo, I blurted out that I wasn’t planning on staying with him this summer. That I wasn’t even sure I was going to stay in New Hampshire much longer and that Mike was flying up to see me this weekend. fail

I’m good that way. It worked and he left me alone.

So, yes, Mike is flying up here Sunday but not to see me. He is working on a job here and I asked if I could see him. I truly adore Mike and have missed him.

I have no idea what I am planning to do as far as staying here, but would like to give it 6 more months. If I can hang that long.

I am planning, if I stay, to find work and move into an apartment with J, who will be an excellent roommate. J is a good Christian man, solid morals and doesn’t drink. Oh, and an awesome friend.

If I don’t stay I will try somewhere else. Maybe in Indiana with my friend T, or go to Texas where my family lives or even go back home to be with my children and grandchildren.

Six Months

Yesterday marked me being in New Hampshire for 6 months.

I wasn’t sure that I would stick it here, but I did. A little Very proud of myself.

The drive up here was enough to make me realize how strong I can be when I am determined to do something.

Staying here, well, that is a whole different ball game. I will admit that a majority of me not heading home or somewhere else has to do with the lack of funding.

I still cannot manage to keep a job very long. One thing I’ve realized is that I need to be a little pickier about where I work. Quick settling for whatever is offered to me.

Now to see if I can stick it for another six months and celebrate my anniversary of this adventure by either going home or going somewhere new!

Discoveries

Internet here doesn’t work well when it rains. I can connect to the router and have internet but…it times out.

Internet shall be had at my writing spot*. I also discovered that it is my writing spot, not just because it is anywhere but here (apt).

The IRS can’t seem to make up its mind about whether or not I’m getting a refund. It also can’t decide how much it is going to be. Today’s notification said that I am getting back $82. Hmmm. When I filed it was $11, then it jumped to $75 and then it was applied to back taxes owed and now $82 is coming to me. We shall see.

The store at the state line has some awesome deals on Avon. I picked up some Silicone Glove for 75 cents. If I had some money I would have gone ballistic in there.

Even though my roommate drives me total insane, I still feel the need to take care of him. He is sick and I’m playing nursemaid, and also picked up the silicone glove lotion so maybe his fingertips will have half a chance while he works with concrete (they split and bleed).

My Writing Place

I was blog hopping and came across this blog post.

I tried to think where I do most of my writing, or where I am when I wish I had pen and paper. Unfortunately, it is usually when I’m in the shower or driving down the road. However, I did realize that I love to write when sitting in a parking lot at Seabrook Beach. Well, actually it’s the backside and I’m not sure what its called.

 

This is where I feel most comfortable sitting alone in my truck. I can drink my coffee and smoke (ready to quit) without bothering or being bothered by anyone else.

I am allowed the freedom of random thinking patterns, jumping on writing and then off again without feeling the urge or need to be doing something else. The distractions that happen here are just catalysts to more wonderful thoughts, ideas and desires for my life.

Granted working sideways in my truck isn’t always the easiest. I also got a bonus surprise today. I brought my laptop with the intent of tethering to my phone and discovered that I can connect to a wireless router (open) here! This is a new development. I usually put pen to paper here and then blog when I get back to the apartment. Nice surprise. Aside from a desk-type surface to put the laptop or my notebook on, I now realize that a car charger for my laptop would be a nice addition to my mobile writing.

Do you have a special writing spot?