Follow Me…

 

1. If you accidently knick a car in a parking lot..Do you leave a note or do you get the heck out of there?

Depends on how bad it is. I be broke so if its minor, I duck and run. Major, I’d leave a note.

2. Love your body or plastic surgery?

Would love to have plastic surgery! Botox, face lift, and definitely a boob job.

3. What about your favorite blog(s) continues to drive you back?

Anything that makes me laugh. I need more of that in my life. Even if it just makes me smile, its a winner in my book.

4. What percent of your blog is BS just to make your life seem more interesting than it really is?

It all true, maybe with a dramatic tone added for flair, but true.

5. If you had to give up one type of meat for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Chicken, really don’t care for the texture.

6. How often to you eat out?

Every chance I get. I have conveniently forgotten how to cook.

7. Skinny jeans or boot cut jeans?

Yoga pants, please. Especially those double banded at the waist ones that make my Dunlap look smaller.

8. If you caught your spouse cheating would you forgive, divorce, or plan your kill?

Forgive. I’m good stupid that way.

Short By 1,000

I am having a serious love/hate relationship with the new accommodations.
My view is lacking, its noisy until around midnight (might change during the week), hot as Hades in the day time, and cold as hell in the early morning, I don’t have a view of the ocean and have no internet service here. It is also a no-smoking unit.
On the other hand, I am in New Hampshire, there are shops lined along the coast, the coast is beautiful, the air smells wonderful here, I can tether my phone to my computer and also pick up WiFi if I sit on the balcony, I am within walking distance of the beach and everyone here is so nice. Oh, best part – I found the laundry mat. In fact, the sign is right off our balcony.
I can sit on the balcony all day long, which is where I want to be unless I am walking the shops or along the beach.
I didn’t write or post yesterday because we were moving from the townhouse to this place. It really is cute, quaint, whatever. The hustle and bustle is actually cool to me right now. It won’t get on my nerves later if I don’t allow it. The gate keeper (property manager) is really cool, too.
MB is flying out today for Arizona so I’ll spend today trying to finish organizing and putting away our things and hopefully sit down and get those 1,000 words a day going.
Ps. Surfs up!

The Hunt

Being the organized person that I am (I wish), I wanted to try to get everything in order before we move from the townhouse to wherever we’re moving for the next month to six weeks.

I am packed up and ready for the move. I am in a panic because we don’t know where the place is, what the layout is, did they honestly get 2 studio apartments for 3 men and how the hell we’re going to move everything there by Tuesday.

Oh, did I mention that MB is leaving out Monday for a week to work another job and I am totally clueless as to what is his and what isn’t. Not to mention that I don’t think he realizes I am not kidding when I say that I am not packing and/or moving his stuff for him. (Yes, am freaking out a little lot here.)

I, if you don’t know, am visiting with my husband/ex (not sure if we’re divorced yet) in New Hampshire for the next 4-6 weeks. We are currently staying in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath townhouse that the company has rented for this crew. The lease is up, and we have to be out before the 1st, which means by Tuesday we have to pack up all this crap (and I mean CRAP) and get it all moved into a place that we can’t even score a key to go see.

Even better is that this place wasn’t furnished and is now over-furnished, and the place we’re going is furnished. During MB’s recent decision to divorce me and spend all his money on himself, he has acquired enough clothing so he doesn’t have to wash for a year, a rather large screen tv, a blueray disk thing that does everything but the laundry – which is okay because there is no washer and dryer here, and enough shampoo, manly body washes and other paraphernalia to warrant needing a U-Haul and a bunch of help.

Top it off, guy #3 here isn’t here because he is off from having surgery so we get to move his stuff, too. Yeah, life is good splendiferous.

Oh, the hunt…

The boys, instead of packing up the place, wanted to grill out and drink beer which meant we needed charcoal and beer.

I wanted to go to Kmart instead of Wal-Mart this time. I wanted a new purse.

Okay, so I was going through purse withdrawals because all my purses are at home so I can’t swap out with my moods and most of all because I have no money and money-bags is trying to keep me happy and I WANTED a new purse. I happen to own probably every purse that Wal-Mart has that is even remotely cute so I wanted to hit Kmart.

Yes, we got lost even though we’re using GPS. We were using mine off my phone instead of his dash mount for some reason. His is better because it doesn’t talk to you so you have to look at the screen. Mine talks but is usually telling you to get ready for a turn (a little long winded – I like it because I keep thinking that I could do the long-winded thing on a GPS audio) and…we miss the turn. End up on a toll-road (damn, there is 75 cents out the window – literally).

Score for me! I have a new purse that I haven’t seen everyone and his/her brother/sister carrying and I actually like it. May even carry it for more than a week, plus it made MB smile when he discovered that it was 40% off.

Now, to find the place where we’re moving to scope out the area and see just how crappy luxurious it turns out to be. I was smart enough to jot down the address the office sent, set it in the GPS and off we go.

Driving, driving, driving, oops, Ms. GPS says we’re there. #186, don’t see it. We see a few places that we think it might be, given we don’t find any building numbers on some of these rentals and figure it has to be the crappiest most beautiful one in the row.

We head back home, taking a whopping 45 minutes to make it 12 miles. Most definitely need to find an alternate route or we’ll never get all this crap stuff moved by Tuesday. Anyone that has driven along the coast at the Hamptons (not THE Hamptons, but the Hamptons) knows that there are a ton of people walking, and they have right-a-way, and they take full advantage of it.

I took a chance and Googled “who the hell owns 186…” and find out that the address we were given is the realty company that handles the property. So, unlike the happy ending of a good hunt, we were still left empty handed.

Well, not me – I scored a new purse :)

Wish I Could Blog In The Shower

I seem to have my best thoughts in the shower. Being an ADD, my thoughts are all over the place. Funny as hell, too. The problem is that by the time I get through and to the computer, the chain of thoughts has gone so far that I can’t remember how it all started to replay it all in text. If I try to go backwards, I get a whole new chain of thoughts.

I thought about recording myself while in the shower, but personally that is just too weird. One, I don’t want everyone hearing it before I can edit it; Two, the sound of my own voice distracts me.

Okay, to be continued since I’m hungry…

Simply Beautiful

This is my best friend. She is amazing, beautiful, funny and smart. She is also the ultimate in the friend department. She can read between the lines of my letters, read between the lines in our conversations, knows when to pick me up, dust me off and send me on my way, and best of all, she know when its time to kick my butt.

When I look at her I see the most beautiful woman in the world. I joke about my husband being ‘doughboy’ and that’s probably not fair. Strange, I don’t joke about her weight because I don’t notice her size until someone, usually her, points it out (she says we look like an I and an O together).

She has taken a new adventure path this year. I can’t remember when she actually started this journey – maybe 5 years ago. To make a long story short, she has lost 45 pounds since January and lost 18 of those since her surgery 6 weeks ago.

I had mixed feelings about the surgery. Selfish and not selfish reasons. I went to the seminars with her, and the factoids scared me. Its one of those things that you have to look at the pros and the cons, and pick the lesser of the two evils. Deal with the side-effects so that she can have a better quality of life. I am terrified of losing her.

I had to nut-up and realize that now she has a chance to feel better and be healthier. Sleep apnea, high blood pressure, bad knees – just to name a few, are caused by her weight. I didn’t want her to hurt anymore. Extra points for me: she will live longer!

I hate to say that during the surgery time I was in a total funk. I really wasn’t there for her. Thank goodness her family and other friends stepped up to the plate. I am lacking in the friend of the year department. True to my nature, I dropped the ball at the end of the game. I went off into my own little world, sat on my pity potty about my life, dying marriage, etc instead of doing the mentally healthy thing by coping and being there for my friend, being in the present moment and seeing the beauty, love and joy around me. I figure she must love me because she has once again forgiven me for dropping the ball.

The picture shown was taken yesterday after her 6 weeks checkup. She finally got to meet baby Joseph. I wonder if Joseph knows just how lucky he is to have Susie in his life, too? If not, he will learn it quickly.

Pears And Crayons

I have a nickname: BCnaat (pronounced: bee-cee-nat). Its an an acronym for bad case no as ‘atal. My first husband came up with this, and it kind of stuck. I am the inspiration for the stick person drawings you see. No butt, no boobs, tall, and stick-like.

I have been an extremely thin person my entire adult life. So thin that this is the standard conversation between nurses, doctors and me that happens ev-er-y time:

Intake nurse: “Do you have an eating disorder?”
Me: “Yes, I eat anything and everything but still can’t gain weight?”

Doctor: “You are very thin, do you have an eating disorder?”
Me: “Yes, I eat anything and everything but still can’t gain weight? Can you help me gain weight?”

I’ve only had one doctor that remembered me when I came to see him. I can’t afford him anymore. He not only helped get my mood swings under control but also helped me learn how to gain weight. A whole 10 pounds that I can’t seem to keep on me steadily.

Even though I have managed to keep my weight at 124-127 pounds (I’m 5’9” and naked I resemble a skeleton with skin) it is pooling on my body. It isn’t pretty. Lately it seems to have gone from a spare tire state to actually a brand: Dunlap. I’m seriously thinking that I need to buy high waist jeans again so I can tuck in my belly.

I checked the roots of my hair the other day. Yes, I need to invest in hair color. I have seriously been thinking of just letting it salt and pepper on out. Act my age kind of thing BUT vanity takes over and I color again. Oh, my roots…

I discovered that they are no longer salt and pepper but gray. Almost white? My mother was 60 before she scored the beautiful white hair that she has now. Before it was that harsh gray that looked as course as a wire brush.

So I came up with this to prepare me for my obvious future look:

Maybe a better title would have been pears and PhotoShop but I bet crayons got your attention better ;)

Fill In The Blank

One of the most difficult challenges I have overcome in my life was _________________ .

 

Am patiently waiting to hear your stories, comment away!

Rain, Rain Go Away…

It has been raining for two days now. I’d really like it to slack up a little. If I were home, in the South, I would not complain in the least about the rain. Its so hot there and there isn’t a lot of rain until later this fall. It also makes me want to sleep. Who doesn’t like the sound of rain to help them doze off?



I did discover that we have a really nifty window in the townhouse! I can open it, not get wet and still take some rather crappy pictures.



Okay, so maybe I have to twist a little to get a shot of the great outdoors.

It has these cool latch things on the inside – I’m guessing so the not-so-nice winds during hurricane season don’t rip the sucker open/off.

And yes, I amuse easily :)

This Is A Test, Only A Test

literally…



Checking out all my new gadgets that post everywhere at once :)

Wordless Wednesday

Fabulous find

FreeAgent® GoFlex™ Ultra-portable Drive

This ultra-upgradable, ultra-portable hard drive makes it ultra-easy for you to store, backup, encrypt and access your files anytime, anywhere.

• Features USB 2.0 plug-and-play connectivity


• Includes pre-loaded easy-to-use backup software


• Lets you upgrade to USB 3.0, FireWire^® 800 or eSATA


• Allows you to access your content on your TV, network and on-the-go when combined with other GoFlex devices

I picked this up tonight. 500g for $79 from Walmart (online price at Seagate $119). This bad boy will fit in my purse or the front pocket of my slim laptop case. Comes in 200gb, 500gb, 750gb or 1tb. Colors to choose from are black, red, silver and blue. Walmart only carries the colors in the 200gb and silver in the 500gb. Mine came with a slim case, black, and I chose the trim color of the case – pink :).

Tuesday

It's Tuesday but it has the funky stench of Monday all over it. C'mon Tuesday... you can be better than Monday... I know ya can... you're much cuter! ;) ~Toni D.

 

 

I have bronchitis. I hate bronchitis. Makes my head and neck hurt, too. I don’t sleep well. Probably because I can’t breathe well and have some very weird dreams – usually about suffocating.

My daughter just found out that she has CTS in both wrists. She is going to have to have surgery. Unfortunately she works in a sterile environment so wearing a brace isn’t an option for her. I need to remember that just because she is no bigger than a minute (~Grana) that she isn’t a fragile little thing. She is a strong, vibrant and sometimes feisty young woman.

My hosting service just contacted me to let me know that I am in violation of their policies about using my space for storage. This is the second time its happened. I am guilty and will purchase an external drive today to store my backups. I don’t know why its a problem with my hosting service. Its not like I have come close to using my bandwidth limits or even made a dent in my space limits. However, policy is policy and I will fix it.

No matter how bad I feel today, I need to get to the laundry mat. I am wearing my last pair of clean pants. I sure miss having a washer and dryer on hand to stay on top of the laundry. Washing and drying at a laundry mat takes no longer than doing one load at home, but its all the folding and putting away of a week’s worth at a time that I dread.

Guess that I can at least wet my head and wash my face so I don’t look like I’m wearing yesterday’s hair and face. :)

Manic Monday

Okay, so maybe it isn’t manic, just weird. I am having dizzy spells right now. I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate those. This should be the time that I take a walk with my dog. Get my blood flowing a little better than it is at the moment. My dog is over 1,000 miles from me right now and I’m just too lazy to put my shoes on and head out for a stroll.

Okay, so I just walked down the freaking stairs to wash the filter in the window unit. That is a feat in itself. I hate those stairs and am afraid that one day I’m going to tumble down them. A 10” rise with a 6” step isn’t the safest type stairs for this old lady.

MB just has to smoke those nasty cigarillos around me. My poor sinuses just can’t handle that. Sure fire way to give me a sinus headache. Not to mention how much they stink while he’s smoking them, and how really bad they stink afterwards.

We are finally going to the laundry mat today.  He was going to go by himself after work, but I asked him if I could go. I’m not excited about him washing everything in one washer on hot. We also need to wash the sheets and comforters so he’d toss those in there too. Huge front loaders are awesome but at some point you really need to do some sorting and separate washing. Or at least wash them in cold water so my colored clothing stays, well colored. I’m not really crazy about sitting at the laundry mat, but at least its something for me to do.

I keep thinking about getting a bike. A lot of people ride them around here. I haven’t ridden a bike in years and wonder if I can still do it well enough to not end up as road kill. I don’t even know how to go about purchasing one. What kind, how tall, what gear do I need? Another draw-back is that it will be something we have to load up and take back with us when we head back to MS sometime next month.

I’m also curious to see if MB and I can survive living together. We, over the past 12 years, have spent very little time together because of his job. Now he’s talking about staying in town. I am a little very OCD and a neat freak. He just lives. I guess I need to focus on his good qualities otherwise we will never make it.

Ugh and Arg!

I have to admit that I love the look and feel of Flatpress. BUT [Behold the Underlying Truth] I am so tired of my server crashing my site every single time I update.

Now I'm using Wordpress. Please be patient as I try to move my files from the old site, which is fun since I can't access it at the moment.

So, until I can figure out how to personalize my WordPress themes, this is what I'm using now :)

Follow Me Sunday

1. If you could host a Reality TV show, which one would it be?
How To Marry The Biggest Loser

2. Do you put your seatbelt on before or after you start the car?
After. Usually my dd has borrowed my truck and she's is a little a lot shorter than I am. I let the truck cool down while I re-adjust everything.

3. Shave or hair removal cream?
Shave - who has the patience to sit around with a growing burning sensation when they can play hack 'n wack in the shower and be done with it quickly. Granted in my case there is a little blood involved, but that is part of the adventure.

4. What's your favorite feature in a house?
A bedroom door, shut, and preferably mine.

5. What is your favorite "Fall" scent?
Cinnamon. It goes well with stale cigar smoke.

6. What tv show are you looking forward to seeing the most this Fall?
None. I don't watch television so I don't even know what is on any more.

7. Personal Shopper or Personal Chef?
Personal Chef - I enjoy shopping way too much to let someone else have the fun.

8. What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of "Fall"?
Its going to be cold as heck here (NH) when fall comes. Good news is that I will be heading home (MS) and can warm back up.

It Was So Romantic

It is so hard to write when you are trying to stay out of your head.

I got up at 6, then went back to bed at 8. I am still bored but needed that extra hour of sleep.

I am adapting to my desk of sorts. I am also putting pen to paper as well. If I had a scanner here I would just scan my entries and post it as a picture. :)

Alice In Wonderland (2010) is still my favorite movie.

Internet is down so my blog-hopping has come to a halt this morning. Thank goodness I can blog from my phone.

Oh my gosh it was so romantic! I was like 'aaaaaah' and the I was like 'ooooooh' and then I almost threw up!

Reminds me of my marriage.

 

Sucker Stick And Pliers

I have quickly discovered that this isn't a camp but a cave. Cold, dark and damp (yes, damp - its near the coast).

"You may want to bring a hoodie" is a joke. Thank goodness I brought two hoodies, a sweatshirt and a jacket - lost my sweater in my airport adventures.

I live in an area where the sun doesn't always shine and when it does it is hotter than hades. Here the sun shines every day and the temperatures are wonderful. All the mini-blinds are closed and the a/c's are running full blast. Only one other person besides me doesn't like it super cold. We are the only two thin ones here. The other two are full figured boys. What they lack in height, they make up for in width. :)

I am developing a headache, probably from freezing my butt off and not getting enough fresh air. I may even be getting a cold since my nose is now decided that it is going to act like a leaky faucet. And, to top it off, I woke to having a zit on my face. Not a zit zit as in get a needle. Noooo, a ZIT as in WTFOMG (yes one word) get a gun and kill it. I still believe that being an adult is punishment enough for surviving your childhood and teen years. No point in me having to deal with reliving this crap from back then. Unless...I am coming full circle and diapers are in my future? :(

Called the courthouse to find out when the divorce was final. We're still married. WTFOMG (yes one word). MB and I suck at being married and apparently suck at getting divorced, too.

Flight From Hell

A week ago today I made the trip from home to Rye, NH. I had no idea what I was in for, but was ready for a change.

I had flown to and from New York state a couple of times with no problems. I heard friends and family talk about their nightmare flights and thought that they were exaggerating. Until, I experienced my own flight from hell.

My plane was to leave MEM at 10:30. By 11:00 we all realized that we weren't leaving on time. No plane in sight. Just about the time we all start grabbing our phones and accessing the airlines website, we notice the staff was also realizing that they probably needed to check on our flight (they were busy chatting off to the side). It appeared that our plane left Chicago at 10:30 and obviously was not going to be here in time.

So, I'm stuck at MEM for an hour and a half waiting on our plane. No cigarettes and time to kill. I had $10 to my name and spent $8 of that on a pack of smokes and couldn't afford a lighter. There is only one place to smoke in MEM. Luckily there were several smokers in the club with lighters and were willing to share.

All the time I'm trying to store up suck in as much nicotine as possible and thinking that my 2 hour layover in Chicago was going to be cut pretty short. I haven't been to ORD so I didn't know the layout or where I was even suppose to catch the next flight. I could see me running through the airport like OJ in those luggage commercials. Leaping over bags, small children and trying desperately not to knock over old people. Oh wait, I am one of those old people...

Finally we board our flight and head to Chicago. We land, just as my connecting flight is taking off. Oh joy. My next flight out, 7:30. Five and half hours to kill, a half pack of smokes, no lighter and worse yet - no smoking anywhere at the airport. I'd only had about an hour of sleep in the last 24 so I was afraid to camp somewhere and sleep. I was sure that I'd miss my flight. So I walked. I walked until I thought my feet were going to fall off. MB wired me some money so I bought a lot of coffee, ate some crappy McDonalds, bought a bottled water, lost my sweater and somehow managed to lose the bottle water, too.

When we landed my luggage came pretty quickly, and since we made good time in the air I didn't figure MB was there yet. I sent him a text to let him know I was there and found a smoking station outside. Of course I couldn't find my stupid lighter anywhere in my luggage so I'm bumming lights and lighting my next smoke off the last. Seriously, I smoke a lot but am not a chain smoker.

Thirty minutes later MB calls me. He's in the cellphone lot and has been for the last 30 minutes. He was talking to his brother so he didn't get my text. MB and I usually text each other since actually speaking to each other ends with us fighting. Yes, our divorce was handling via email and text messages. Now I wish I would have called, fight or no fight. At least I wouldn't have been sitting outside of the airport chain smoking because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get a light when I really wanted a cigarette.

I get to the townhouse, dump my stuff, flip off my flops and hit the bed. When I woke the next day, that's when I knew the nightmare was just beginning...

Things I Miss Thursday

I miss having my coffee maker on the same floor where my computer lives. Granted this cuts down on my caffeine intake.

I miss my quiet vacuum cleaner. To be so small, this sucker is loud as hell. I'm afraid I'll wake the dead - which will probably come from the creepy door/stairs/basement area.

I miss my kids. Sometimes they are huge distractions, but I honestly miss those distractions.

I miss my grandson. His beautiful eyes, smile and his laughter. Thank goodness for Facebook and his mommy sending me pictures and videos every day. I couldn't stand it if she didn't.

I miss my pets

I miss my desk.

I miss my chair.

I miss my truck. Man I need a ride to the laundry mat and a way to explore this area!

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday Ten - A Day Late

I have a love/hate relationship with my ability to listen and actually hear what people are saying. Worse yet, I remember what they say.

1. There is no lock on the bathroom door here. I mean, come on - even tourists like a little privacy.

2. There is always two sides to every story. Get three guys together in one place and there are 6 sides to the story. The good thing is that if you listen the truth unfolds. Its not always pretty either.

3. Omission of facts is comparable to the fog that grounds planes. You can see what is in front of you, but not the whole picture. This is about as close to lying as it gets without actually lying.

4. How does a vacuum cleaner just disappear? They bought it, put it together and now no one can find it. I have resolved myself to the fact that if I don't want to keep walking on food and other crap on the floor that I am going to have to sweep the carpets.

5. MRB has more clothes, shampoos and body washes than MES. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I am not kidding when I say that he can honestly go for 2 months without ever having to wash a thing. When did men start using scrubbies in the shower? That is wrong in too many ways. If he starts buying makeup, I'm going to lose it.

6. Being divorced and living with your ex has a lot of advantages. My favorite advantage is the ability to say "go fuck yourself, I'm not your wife". :)

7. I finally ordered my contacts. In a few days I'll actually be able to see.

8. Seriously love text messages from FEH. Usually they have pictures of my grandson. Sometimes they are just funny - "Mom, send money. My bra broke."

9. My boobs hurt. Wonder if they're finally growing?

10. I need a ride to the laundry mat.

Designing Instead Of Writing

Okay, so I'm a horrible blogger. I usually blog only when I'm upset, which is just about every 2 seconds of every day. Or when I am suppose to be designing, I blog or Facebook.

I sat down last night to work on writing something, even have a list of things I'd like to write about, and ended up working on my blog. It needed another column. Since this blog is fairly new I wanted to keep it similar in style. I'm telling you, these blog themes are a bugger (no I'm not English - just like that word) to design. Kudos to those that do it with ease. I'm seriously thinking of taking a course on WordPress theme building. Although, since my customers usually don't need a large CMS/blog setup, I am leaning toward FlatPress for those that do. Now I need to learn bbcode. :)

Rambling as usual.

Okay, so here is the new improved (layout) blog for Not (much of) Anything. The design is still lacking, but only because I see other blogs and keep thinking "oh I LIKE that"...

What Is Behind That Door?

The Door.


The Prize.


May save this for another day! I haven't had much luck with steps lately! :)

Flip Flops In The Shower

I've been in New Hampshire, Rye to be exact, for 3 days now and I've already managed to hurt myself. That last step wasn't a killer but it managed to hurt pretty good. I also managed a virus on my computer that took everything down. Nice when your 'stuff' is at home in Mississippi. Luckily I was smart enough to bring my restore discs.

I am living in a 3 bedroom townhouse with 3 men, two that I don't know and one that I barely know. The one I barely know being my ex (or soon to be ex). I do recognize him, but the way he lives now is similar to the way he lived 12 years ago before we married. Our bedroom has been dubbed Camp Mikey.

After being here for two days, I decided that I couldn't stand it anymore. Off to Walmart we go in search of something, anything to organize a little in here. I still didn't get the backup drive that he said he would get me. Butt-head. I need that more than the clothes he tried to buy me, and some other crap.

Today our goal is to find a laundry mat. I search online for them, but there aren't any. I may have to Google by a different term since laundry mat may be a Southern term. Coin-operated laundry? Nope, same search results. Hm.

At least now I have a small drawer thing to put my socks, shorts and personal items into beside the suitcase. One large item out of the floor. He bought another one for himself. Yay! A path begins to emerge. After a little bit of work and two large trash bags later, we have a floor. Trash bags were not for trash, but clothes that needed to be washed and wouldn't fit in the hamper.

I thought my daughter had a bunch of clothes. Mike has been here for a month, and hasn't washed clothes since he's been here. Yes, he has that many clothes. One full travel bag went into the closet to be stored, and there is a huge black trash bag full of clothes downstairs.

Now I am sitting at a folding camping table, on a folding camping chair to work. I convinced him that a lamp would be much better than the battery operated camping lantern that he was using. Making progress.

Oh, the flip flops. I came in late Thursday evening, flipped my flops off at the end of the bed and couldn't find them again after that. I am OCD and to not be able to lay my hands on something that I use all the time, and just had will bother me until I'm in tears. Hindsight says that it is good that I didn't have on my flip flops when I missed that last step or I might have broken my ankle instead of just spraining it. I did find my flip flops. I still don't know how they got that buried that fast.

Today, while taking a shower standing in 2 inches of water I thought of my flip flops and wondered if maybe I should wear them in the shower. I'm pretty sure that in the many months that these other guys have been here, no one has bothered to clean the tub. I keep telling myself that I'll be damned if I'm cleaning up this place. More than likely, I'll be damned...

Waiting...

Am nervous and excited about today. New adventure for me. If it were my children I'd be pushing them, so excited. For me, its scary as hell. I've taken trips before, but never for 6 weeks. I'm going to miss my children, my grandson and my pets.

I'm also going into a 'war' zone of sorts. Living with other men along with Mike. These guys do not get along. Should prove to very interesting. We may be moving into a hotel if things get rough, and also at the end of the month since the lease is up on the apartment where they are staying.

It will be a grand adventure. I am looking forward to spending a lot of time with Mike. I'm also looking forward to going to the beach. I am also excited about going to the Northeast. I've been to Newburgh, NY and loved it there. I also loved getting to go to Peoria, IL. I do enjoy the North.

I have 4 1/2 hours before I have to leave for the airport. May just go batty waiting...

WWP

Lou Holtz once said, “life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.” Do you believe this? Describe a time when you feel like you could have responded a different way and produced a different outcome.

I once heard that responding and reacting to a situation can make all the difference in the world. Maybe not all the difference, but a huge difference. I believe this to be true. I forget to apply the 2-second rule before opening my mouth and end up with a huge can of worms I would have rather not opened.

Being the bitter sarcastic old woman that I am, crap just flows out of my mouth. I end up hurting someone's feelings or starting a fight. Both things I hate doing - but do so well. This happens when I'm stressed out and that means it happens 99% of the time. I'm also pretty sure this happens because I don't have the best self-esteem. I can take just about any comment and make it negative towards me. I end up taking the fight side of the fight/flight reaction - even though I am not in any danger (read: physical danger - emotionally I am a target with a huge 'kick me' sign on my back).

If I pay close attention as I usually do don't, I would see that its the source not the content of what has been said. My mom can tell me that I need a manicure and I take offense. A friend can tell me the same thing, and I get a manicure. I react to my mom and respond to my best friend. I react to my husband and respond to my neighbors.

A perfect example of this would be my current situation. My husband and I were thinking about calling off the divorce and working things out. He works in New Hampshire right now so I sent him a text asking if he remembered to call the attorney about stopping the divorce. I read the first sort-of word of the response and lost it. "Naw..." What happened after that was a huge mess. Even after I applied the two second rule and read the rest of the message "...didn't you say you got a 30 day extension?" and got even more upset.

In my sane mind I concluded that I was not only being lied to but also was not a priority. Talk about one emotionally charged screwed up individual. As it stand we are now going through with the divorce and just dating. Which also has me totally confused because I am in New Hampshire with him for the next 5 weeks. Don't ask me how to respond to that - I am clueless and prefer not to think about it.

Two For Tuesday

I am extremely distracted. I know, I'm always distracted. Today is just a little worse - if possible. I am listening to my neighbor's friend fight with my neighbor's boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend. They're fighting in person now, earlier it was her on the phone as she paced the parking lot, and before that it was in person. Sheesh, I'm not sure but its both funny and annoying at the same time. Who needs Springer?

I am also patiently waiting to hear when I get to fly to New Hampshire. Mike is trying to set me up a flight for tomorrow.

Here is my Two For Tuesday:

The Bad

• We live in apartments with air conditioning. Why are there so many people sitting on the steps or in the breezeways looking miserable? It looks, well, ghetto. Go inside and cool off people.


• Drama mammas. I am one more times than not. I will not, however, take it outside for the world to see and hear. Please go back into your apartments. This way you only disturb your upstairs and side neighbors.

The Good

• My children helping each other out. Whether it be with a problem or just picking a sibling up so they can come hang out for awhile.


• Knowing that my ex-husband means what he says. He is buying me tickets so I can fly to New Hampshire and stay 6 weeks with him. I get to enjoy the beach, and time with my best friend.

Hm

It appears that we are still married. I'm at a loss here. Of course, I had an emotional breakdown when I got home. Don't understand this crying thing. I have a few crying spells in my life, but they were very few. Now the tears just come whenever they please. I hope that one day I can laugh about today.

I drove to the courthouse only to find out that we weren't on the docket there. Find out the judge that has us, and where she is today. I then drive 30 miles to another county (another county?) to find out that we're not on the docket there either. They tried to help me figure out what was going on, and I ended up back at our courthouse. So, I drove 80 miles and I'm still married. Yes, I checked the court records to make sure.

I did luck out on the way to the second courthouse. I was balling down the interstate and trying to set up my navigation on my phone [wrong, I know] and look up into the rear-view mirror to see blue flashing lights. I pull over and the state trooper just looked at me and drove on. Whew. Nicest state trooper that I almost met.

I also have a spy on Facebook. Strangely enough the spy never tells Mike the good stuff I post about him and how much I loved him - only when I lashed out at him.

Love is a strange creature. I sit in emotional turmoil all the time now. I don't know how to not be Mike's wife. We'll be divorced [one of these days I guess] and that confuses me. Even today he told me how much he loves me and wants us to be together. He also said that he didn't call about stopping the divorce because he knew that I would change my mind. I know we need to go ahead and divorce. We are both guilty of assuming the worst.

I have no answers. I don't know where to go from here. I would love to feel better. Even more, I would love to not feel at all.

Already Wiggin' - No Caffeine

I am such a wuss! Today I was going to try a backward approach to this smoking thing. I could smoke all I wanted, just couldn't have but one cup of coffee. I have my bottle of water sitting here at the desk where my coffee cup usually sits. I've already refilled it twice in the last hour, along with several trips to the bathroom. I'm seriously jonesing for a cup of coffee. I had one cup earlier and am wanting to lick the stupid mug.

I did try drinking water out of coffee cup. That is, well, just too much of a lie to bear.

I have to be honest. I've tried limiting my coffee and caffeine intake before. I hated it. Caffeine is a pain relief. Pregnant women take it for migraines. So what happens when you all of the sudden don't have all the pain relief? I'll tell you, every ache and pain in this 48 year old body surfaces. You start hurting in body parts you didn't even know you had.

Okay, so if it isn't enough that I can't have my 2 or 3 pots of coffee anymore, I also can't have chocolate. It has caffeine in it. No sodas of any kind, and no tea. That leaves water, milk and juice. Thank goodness I do like the latter two.

I hear thunder. Sweet. I hope it rains on us a little. The cooler weather has been nice. Cooler as in the heat index isn't 117.

Cold Front

We have a cold front that moved through, or is moving through - it is helping a lot! It is still 95 degrees out there, but the humidity isn't as bad. Very nice. It is even nicer to hear my a/c actually cutting off during the day.

T-Mobile is too weird. They said I didn't qualify for their service, sent me a phone anyway, I rejected the shipment and now I have a bill from them 4 months later. WTF? Yet another example of the craziness out there.

2 more days. If he stops the divorce I guess we will just be like Danny and Bridgett. Not divorced, but not together. At least until I can get an attorney and get it taken care of for good.

A couple of things I need to focus on Monday, if there is money: go to Hernando and get me some contacts. I'm really tired of not being able to see well. That should leave enough to get a few groceries and put fuel in the truck.

3 days

Today has been a good day. I slept most of it, which I needed since it was good sleep. I slept so soundly that I didn't hear the kids cleaning their room or even vacuuming. Now 85% of the apartment is clean. Now to finish up with the living room and dining room.

It was also nice when I got up to an empty apartment. All the kids had gone to eat dinner with the family at their sister's house. I didn't go, for reasons mentioned before. I walked the dog, cooked my dinner and ate in silence. It was nice. I felt like Z Kitty when no one was here - creeping around :). Sad since this is my apartment, but it was nice.

Am working on my graphics for my site for Christmas. In the advertising world, now is the time to prepare for the season or holiday coming up in 4 months. I also want to do something for Thanksgiving, although I'm not sure what that will be. I was smart enough to pull down my July ad, only 3 days into August :/

Now to pare down my websites. I have too many to keep up with and only use the Burgundy Realm and Love? sites at the moment. I may just re-direct those others until they expire and be done with them.

4 days

Am wondering can I last these next four days. I am already an emotional wreck and he isn't even in town. I know what has gotten me this way and its my own fault again. I was thinking about trying to go ahead and attend the family dinner tomorrow night. I think these wounds are still a little too raw to risk it.

The divorce will be final Monday. I know that once I have a copy of those papers in my hand that I can start to heal. Now I'm afraid that he's going to have his attorney withdraw the divorce papers. Then I'll have to go find an attorney and start this process all over again.

Shit, all of this because I wanted my husband to come home and stay home. I missed him and needed him. I wanted him home with me. I don't understand how it all got so twisted up and now he is coming home to stay for awhile in October, but not as my husband. On the lighter side of it, its not by choice but because there aren't any more bases. They also don't have any other out-of-town jobs lined up. In my heart I know that the first one that comes up, he'll take it. He's all about the money.

Kids

I love my children. However, they need to stay out of this. I know they are trying to help, but they aren't. It just confuses things worse. Truth be told, they all have their own lives to deal with and to take care of, so focusing on their lives should be a priority.

It is actually cool in my apartment. I am so grateful. I am enjoying cleaning the apartment and doing laundry today. It is wonderful to not have sweat dripping when working around here. It also makes for a much better mood when you're not miserable.

Sadness Revisited

I was doing so well, until tonight. Its getting closer to the weekend when Mike will be home. I am trying to stay sane. I hate that I'll miss dinner with the family two nights. I thought about at least trying to attend for the sake of the kids, but I don't think I can handle it. Then there is also the fact that Danny will be coming in Saturday.

I can't keep doing the emotional back and forth. Sometimes I think he is just nice to me when its time to come home for a visit. He needs a place to stay, and possibly score some while he's here. Then he goes back, I don't hear much from him and I'm left wondering what I have done or didn't do.

Honestly, what is someone suppose to think? It all crashed with a simple text message from me. "Did you get a chance to call the attorney yet?"

After a week of being totally 'in love' again, planning our future and living happily ever after his response was "naw, didn't you get a 30 day extension?" I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

Its my fault. I set myself up all the time. I am this romantic sap that just never seems to learn. I get excited and headstrong when I think that happiness and love is in the air around me.

Silly me was making arrangements so I could go to New Hampshire and stay with him. We would come home together like he said. He wanted me to keep the apartment so we would have somewhere to stay when we came home.

I was working on cleaning up and organizing the apartment both for me leaving and also his visit this weekend. Since I thought we were going to stay married, I was planning on detailing out the truck - since it was his truck. I had so many ideas of how I was going to spoil him and take care of him. Our new life together was going to be so different than before.

I did ask him not to contact me until after the divorce was final. When it was all said and done we would see where life took us. He sent me a text a few days ago but I just deleted it.

So many things have run through my mind. I wanted to get an attorney after his text not to 'take' him for anything, but to stop the divorce or delay it. Now I want it to go through. Be done with it all. This emotional roller coaster began many years ago for me, but has escalated to a point where I can't breathe at times because I feel like my heart is going to implode or just stop. These past few days have been good, but the few days before those I honestly thought of suicide - I just wanted to feel better. Actually, I just didn't want to feel at all.

Now I'm excited to get my home all cleaned and organized for myself. I don't know what the future holds but I'm excited to find out. It doesn't hurt that they fixed my a/c so now I'm freezing my butt off instead of melting here at the computer!

Needs Something To Do

I am so bored right now. Trying to watch a movie but it isn't holding my attention. Its a good one, old but still good. The World According To Garp (1982). I don't think I've seen it since 1982. I remembered it when I watched According To Greta. The title reminded me, not the movie itself.

Its cool in the apartment so now I'm wanting to do something. I could clean, but that is so - well, like housework.

Trying to stay out of my head. I feel better now that I haven't been talking to Mike. In the short time we were back together, I was all in. 100% and ready for our happy ever after. The kids were helping me get ready to go to NH. I let myself fall back in love and be immersed in him. Today has been the first day that I haven't had to meditate to calm myself down and I haven't cried at all today.

When I realized that he was still planning on divorcing me, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Now I know that just as he doesn't need a piece of paper to be married to me, I don't need a piece of paper to not be married to him. I have to be through with this. My heart cannot take any more. My head cannot take any more games, lies and half-truths. Omission of the truth is also a lie if you let someone believe something other than what you plan. Just because you don't correct them or confirm - well, that is still a lie. Very misleading. A lie.

I also lie. I lie to myself that things will be different. I do trust him. I trust that this is what the rest of our lives will be like. Me "misunderstanding" all the time. I'm not stupid, and do pay attention to what people say and do. Yes dear, I do trust you. Trust that you will continue to not say anything or say what I want to hear not what you are going to do.

Off to find something productive to do. Bathroom really needs cleaning. I can't wait until I am living alone, again. These messes are unbelievable. They remind me of when I cleaned a bar for a living. Gross, and really inconsiderate since it involves sober young adults.

Reason For Living

Hot Hot and More Hot

It is really hard to think sometimes when you're too hot to breathe. I do realize that it is 103 outside today, not the heat index - the temperature. I just wish that my a/c could keep it below 90 degrees in my apartment. I'm ready to move North. Very north, where there are mountains and snow.

Well, this is my new blog. Currently under Burgundy Realm. Soon it will have its own domain. I will eventually be domain queen, until I run out of money or desire to do anything that involves the web.

Doubt that will happen though. I am too amazed by the internet and what you can do with it. I don't have many interests any more. I don't know if that comes with age, or frustration. I have grown tired of so many things lately.

• husband that is never around


• husband that can't make up his mind what he wants to do


• people around that can't tell the truth


• kids around all the time


• no one helping around here with the chores or financially


• dog having to go outside 900 times a day


• not being able to find work


• coding (sometimes, other times its a haven for me)


• this freaking heat


• sleeping during the day/working at night (heat)


• and so many more things

Yesterday

Today started out as a sad day. It is better now.

Really need to quit wearing my heart on my sleeve, even if it is all about my husband. I don't want the divorce, he does, but he wants to us to be together forever. I'm confused and need to remind myself to breathe.

I have been having to "this moment I'm fine" a lot! Sometimes for many, many and many more moments in a row before I can calm down enough to where my heart doesn't feel like it is going to implode or stop.