Wordless Wednesday

 

From December

Snow Flurries

I am too excited about it snowing here. I may be singing a different song when it actually happens, but I have never seen real snow that sticks around for long.

True test for me will be driving in it! I will try to warn everyone before I get on the road ::wink::

We did have that one snow down South that lasted a bit and was pretty deep. I can’t remember how many inches we got that year, just that it was a shocker for all of us. Fun for the kids and I though!

Work is going so well. I really like my job. At first I didn’t know if I could hang with the physical labor, but I am sleeping better and feel better (except for the occasional sinus infection). More than anything, I am proud to have a job, period.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Changes

Everything is changing and so fast! I have decided to let my web site go so I am now blogging through Blogger. Its time to let go of things that I don’t really need. I use it, but don’t need all that space.

So…please bear with me as I move the pictures or remove them or if links don’t seem to work or the layout gets really weird.

Sick and Sick and Tired

I hate being sick. No, I HATE being sick. I have bronchitis and sinusitis. Such a pain in the face. Feels like a hot poker is being jabbed in the side of my nose. At least I’m doing better today.
I am tired of playing the guessing game. My friend isn’t speaking to me. I tried to find out what the problem is and they won’t talk to me about it. They say they’re too tired to discuss it right now. They will lay it out for me this weekend. Until then, I was told to try to figure it out. Hmmm.
I have missed two days of work being sick. I hope I still have a job. If not, oh well. I was looking for this one when I found it. I don’t really mean that. I love my job and don’t want to lose it.
My poor truck doesn’t like to crank right now. It was warmer today and it still didn’t want to crank up. I think the battery may already be on its last leg. Poor thing. I need to run by the auto parts house since its still under warranty and see if they can replace it since I am broke at the moment. At least I have fuel to get back and forth to work.
I sure hope I get paid Thursday. I can’t imagine having to go a whole month without a paycheck. That will really suck. I’m out of smokes, but that’s okay since I need to quit that nasty habit anyway.
I hope tomorrow goes well at work since everyone seems to be sick lately. I felt bad calling in yesterday because no one showed up for work. Everyone on that shift called in sick. I’m just grateful that I don’t have the flu or the virus that has been going around.
Have a great evening everyone!

Life Is Good–ha…

My truck doesn’t want to crank in this cold weather, I’m down to my last $5 and don’t get paid for another 2 weeks, last pack of smokes and the person I care most about in the world can’t even stand the sight of me.

Friday : Some Factoids About Friday

Friday is the 5th day of the week in the US, however in some countries it is the 6th day of the week.
Friday is also a day of celebration (TGIF) because it is usually the last day of the work week. It is also the day of casual wear at work (Casual Friday).
Friday, Old English frīgedæg, is named after the goddess Venus.
In some cultures (notably Christian countries), Friday is considered unlucky. However, in the Scottish Gaelic culture it is consider a lucky day for sowing seed. Good Friday is considered a good day to sow potatoes. Friday is not a good day to start a voyage.
Friday the 13th is considered extremely unlucky because of it being Friday and being the unlucky number 13. Friday the 13th is known as Black Friday. _{not to be confused with the day after Thanksgiving called Black Friday because merchants are trying to make sure that they are in the black by the end of the year}
In Islam it is a day of peace and it is illegal to condemn a slave on a Friday.
Statistically strange – since the use of the Gregorian calendar and its leap year system, it is more common for the 13th to fall on a Friday than any other one day of the week. _{you will find more Friday the 13ths than say Monday the 13ths, however the 13th will fall randomly on other days throughout the year}

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Good Friday – Christian, commemorates the crucifixion of Christ.
Black Friday – any Friday when a historical disaster occurred. Also any 13th day of the month that falls on a Friday.
Casual or Dress Down Friday – ability to wear casual clothing to work on Fridays.
POETS Day – Piss Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday (UK and Australia).

Thoughtful Thursday : All Over The Place

I am not a morning person. No, I am a morning person but not around other people. I am a morning person. I am not a social person in the morning.
Some people take offense to the response “it isn’t rocket science”.
Thinking on Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Zuckerberg is 26. He is the CEO/President of Facebook net worth $6.9 billion). We all know about Bill Gates (net worth $54 billion). Both are Harvard drop-outs.
Simplicity isn’t as simple as it sounds.
Yes, I know it is cold out there. Its obvious that 18° is freaking cold. Even to this Southern girl.
Just because I’m from the South doesn’t mean I am stupid or ignorant. (see above)
I don’t get why they constantly replay bad news on the television. I understand that someone may have missed it the first time around but replaying it every 15 minutes is overkill in my book.  This is why I don’t like watching or listening to tv. Period.
I am getting the kids with the earbuds in their ears. It is a perfect way to block out everyone around you. I also like listening to hard, kick ass music and lyrics. My mind runs too fast and is intense in thoughts so the music matches it and I can actually hear the music.
Wow, this could actually have been a better Tuesday Ten post.
Don’t ask me what is on my mind or how my day went. Especially when you really don’t want to hear about it. I am very aware of my surroundings and pay way too much attention to detail for most people to comprehend.
Oh, and when you say drop it – I will. Don’t press me for more information or more thoughts on the subject after that.
Hope everyone has a wonderful thought filled Thursday!

Simple

Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop listed topics to write about this week. Simple is what I chose, and to help me write, I looked on dictionary.com to read the definitions. Okay, so I’m weird that way.
This is what I found:
^adj.  easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools
^noun  an ignorant, foolish, or gullible person
That’s so not fair, and also a contradiction to what I seek in life.
If I choose to be easy to understand, deal with and have a less complicated life it means I end up an ignorant, foolish or gullible person?
Then again, even though I seem to have a very complicated life, complicated relationships and complications all around me, I still feel like an ignorant, foolish and gullible person. I thought I was just being a nice person and easy to get along with but now I see that being simple is more complex than I first believed.

Wordless Wednesday

Beaches

I love the beaches here! The ocean, she is calmer today than yesterday. No matter her mood, she is always beautiful.

I love being able to walk down to her every single morning, rain or shine, and enjoy her beauty.

It is a shame that no picture or even a video can capture the beauty of seeing the ocean. The sight and sound isn’t enough, the smells and the feel of the breeze against your skin makes it complete.

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I work today. Not for awhile yet, but I do love my job. I am blessed to have a job where I can not only earn money, I enjoy the work and also my co-workers.

I bought a vacuum from work a few days ago. It looked almost new and I couldn’t figure out why someone donated it. When I got it home and tried it, it began to smoke. Then I noticed that it wasn’t smoke but dust coming out of the motor area.

I took the hose off and found a 5” clog of hair and Christmas tree needles. I cleaned it all up and she works like a dream. Not a shabby deal for $20!


It even has the telescoping duster that gets cleaned when inserted back into the vacuum and the vacuum is turned on! All the attachments are there. Sweet!

Now I can edge clean around the baseboards without having to use a hand broom, vacuum the furniture and if I get a wild hair up my butt even vacuum out my truck.

Okay, so I am weird but I truly love gadgets that make my life easier and help me do the best job at cleaning that I can since I like a clean home.

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Have a wonderful Sunday everyone!

Super Saturday : Ice Cream

I love this stuff! Plain, with chocolate or fudge topping and it on top of pies or Swiss Rolls (peppermint flavored is awesome!).

I also bought some of this:

I had a craving for it the other day when I was picking up ice cream. And you’re right, I can’t be trusted in the ice cream section when I’m hungry. Actually, I shouldn’t shop at the grocery at all after work. I also bought a dozen cupcakes – which I ate half of on the way home, and six candy bars. I stopped for vanilla bean ice cream and a frozen pizza. I couldn’t decide between two types of pizza so yep, I got both.

Today was a pretty good day. I was off work and decided to go have my oil changed. I got brave and wanted them to check the brakes since they squeal so much when I back up and also my brake light has been coming on. Okay, so I get the oil change and they do a 25 point check on the truck.

Sweet deal for $24.99. And…it included a tire rotation. Good news is the squealing brakes was due to the brake dust in the rear drums. They cleaned all that out and used compressed air to clean them up. Same with the front. I don’t need new brakes. Sweet!

Brake light was coming on because of low tire pressure. I had forgotten that the truck does that when the tires get that low. I had 25 pounds of pressure in the front tires. I knew I needed air, but not that much.

I ended up spending a little more than the $24.99 because I have some bulbs out on the truck and kept forgetting was too lazy to get so I had them go ahead and replace them.

Went shopping today and scored a bunch of tops, leggings and a pair of pants for $21. Nice. Even got G a sweater and some socks. After that we drove around South New Hampshire looking at the Christmas decorations and then ended up in Massachusetts. Really nice drive and it was a beautiful day for it.

I am truly loving my job. I started out as a casual, which meant that I would get a few days of work and then fill in when needed. I worked part time hours last week (38) and am already scheduled for that again so it appears that I am now part time so this will be a regular schedule for me. Again, nice.

Life is good. I have a good job, a really sweet roommate, my truck is winter ready and I not only have vanilla bean ice cream in the freezer but I also have banana split ice cream, too!

Fractal Friday

I had candy for dinner last night. I didn’t want to wake sleeping beauty’s drunk ass by fixing me something to eat. I keep a stash of candy in my bedroom drawer for emergencies.

Mind you, I had already fixed dinner but was disgusted with the Birthday Boy and I left the kitchen after finishing it and went to bed.

Once Birthday Boy was asleep I sure as hell wasn’t going to risk waking him.

Thank goodness I work today. I’d rather sort bags of donations than deal with his hung-over sorry (both kinds of sorry) ass.

Thoughtful Thursday : What Inspires Me To Write?

That is a good question, especially if you have ever tried to find a theme to my blog. I write when I am upset, when I am happy and especially when I really have nothing to say.

I would have to say that I write simply to express myself – whoever I am at that moment and whatever I am feeling at the moment. There are times that I blog daily, sometimes more than once a day. There are also times that I look at the screen and cannot think of one thing to write.

I had forgotten just how good working can make you feel. I am sore, my feet hurt and I would love to crawl back into the bed and just sleep an entire day.

Man its an awesome feeling. Before I started working I was sore and stayed in bed a lot due to boredom. Stay in bed too long and you get sore.

This is a good sore. My muscles have been used in ways I had forgotten and they need to be moved. I feel strength building in my body again. I sleep like a rock and wake almost exactly 7 hours after I fall asleep.

I don’t wake up bouncing off the walls and raring to go, but I do wake up and want out of the bed to start my day.

I am also becoming aware of things to write about in the future. I have fun at work, meet some very interesting strange people, and am constantly approached about my accent. You never know that you have an accent into you move into an entirely different area. Of course, I think their accents are pretty cool, too!

I believe the answer to the question “why do you write?” is as simple as “what is going on in my life at the moment.” My life inspires my writing.

Wordless Wednesday

Splendiferous Saturday

I have to admit that I am very sore from my first full day at work yesterday. The job isn’t that hard other than it requires a lot of repetition, lifting and sorting. I like the sorting part.

Another nice thing is that although I’m a ‘casual’ employee, working only 19 hours a week, I am working 38-39 hours this week. I honestly hope that I can keep up with the apartment, cooking and working. I’m sure that I will get the hang of it again even though it has been 10 years since I’ve had a full time job.

Even though I was exhausted when I got home, I felt great. It was nice to be out of the apartment doing something productive for myself and giving me an income.

I even opened my checking account today so my checks can be direct deposited. I’m becoming a resident here one step at a time. I still get excited about the progress as I make this my permanent home.

I went into to get fuel earlier and the cashier asked me “where did you get that accent?” I laughed and told her Mississippi. She didn’t spell it for me like most people do, she just told me that she moved here from Nashville, TN and has been here 20 years. She still loves it here, too.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday!

Thoughtful Thursday

I have a friend that I am so proud of today. She made a decision to change her life and leaped. I mean leaped!

She has moved out of her old ‘comfort’ zone and into what will eventually become truly comfortable. Overwhelmed is an understatement for her.

Not only has she moved out of an abusive situation, she has also started a new job. A new apartment, new job, new life. Amazing and such and inspiration. Keep your chin up B! Once the dust clears you will see that you have afforded yourself an opportunity to live your life to its fullest.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have spent the day being grateful for my new life. It is the first Thanksgiving that I haven’t spent in the Mid-South with my family.

And, because I am totally alone right now (G is working out of town) I have spent the day taking care of some things that will only enhance my life here. I took apart the coffee table, cleaned it up, glued it all back where it was coming apart and now waiting on the legs to dry (re-glued them into place) so I can finish assembling it. A rocking and rolling coffee table just isn’t my thing.

I have also taken apart the vacuum cleaner and got it back into ‘new’ working condition. Strange how a little maintenance can go a long way! I can’t replace these things because this is a furnished apartment so fixing what is here makes it home.

I have also spent a good part of the day burning my movies onto disks. That seems to be the most time consuming thing I’ve done all day. Thank goodness I just set it up and the computer takes care of the rest. I’ve burnt a total of 4 disks – all day long. Yep, takes a minute…

Now that I kind-of sort-of have an internet connection I plan to farm a little, check my email and spend the rest of the day reading my new book.

Have a great day everyone!

Zen Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is when many people will be gathered around the table with family and/or friends. It isn’t uncommon for everyone at the table to proclaim something that they are thankful, which is a beautiful touch for the occasion.

What I want to stress for this day, and every day of our lives, is the Zen of giving thanks (being grateful). It may sound strange at first, and feel extremely strange when you start doing it but stick with it. It will keep a smile on your face and a lightness in your heart all year. You don’t have to be dramatic or take any extra time doing this. Just being aware.

Be grateful for everything that you touch today, and every day forward. Setting a table is a great place to start, or washing dishes. Think about the dishes as you place or wash them for serving you and those around you. Think about the silverware, the glasses, the plates, the pots and pans that you prepare the food in…

All of these small utensils that we use almost every day of our lives have and will continue to serve us in the ways that are truly important to us. Everything from clothing to coffee cups are things that make our lives easier and more enjoyable.

It won’t take long before you begin to see that even in times when we start to lose hope, we truly have so many things for which to be grateful. Many of these things go beyond what is necessary to live.

In just the last five minutes I have walked to the coffee maker (grateful for the machine that brews the beverage that I adore), poured coffee into my coffee mug (grateful for the mug to hold the beverage that I adore) and sat at the table (thank goodness I don’t have to sit on the floor and have a place to work on my computer), and typed on my computer (grateful for a computer), and put on a jacket to cut the chill (thank you jacket for keeping me warm).

It does feel strange when you begin doing this, but I promise you that if you try it you will see just how full our lives are with wonderful, helpful things.

May every day of your lives be Thanksgiving!

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday Ten

Yep, its that time again. I get to gripe or praise 10 things on my blog today. Woot! I’m in a pissy mood so guess what it is going to be. Why am I in a pissy mood? Do you really want to know?

 

 

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1. I haven’t felt well in awhile. It isn’t the weather causing it. It is people. Yes people. I know that if you don’t work that you don’t get paid and then you can’t pay people you owe, yada yada yada… However, is it absolutely necessary for you, at the height of your cold, flu or virus, to come into work and breathe on everyone around you? There are a few precautions you can take to not share the love, namely use your sick days for when you are sick, period. I don’t mean sick of your job, sick of your kids, sick of your husband or just don’t feel well. When you are sick and contagious, stay your sick ass at home. If you can’t stay at home, stay your sick ass away from your co-workers and customers.

2. I can’t figure out why in the hell two headstrong people think they can live peacefully under the same roof every single day of their lives. If there are two bedrooms, two people and four beds – plus a couch, hell yes I’m going to sleep in another bed or on the couch when you piss me off. WTF makes you think I want to snuggle up to your ornery ass when you’re in a pissy mood and so am I. Its for your safety, not punishment.

3. I love gadgets and the electronic information world out there. It fascinates me. Just because you choose not to jump in and join the fun doesn’t make me a snob or a geek or anything else. I have no problem with others who choose to use a can and string to communicate – I choose otherwise. I can’t seem to keep up with a planner anymore but somehow manage to keep up with my phone. Why not have all the bells and whistles on it? When you have as much going on in my head as I do, I need a little help with reminders and access to all the other conveniences and information at will.

And…after dissing me for having these things don’t call me wanting me to Google something for you from my phone. Why would I want to pet a dog that just bit me?

4. People who constantly need to borrow money. One, I just started working and no I don’t have any money. Two, I am not going to ask other people for you – especially when I know that you haven’t paid them back the gazillion dollars that you have already borrowed – see #5.

5. People who don’t understand what the word borrow means. Here is the definition for those that don’t know for sure: to take or obtain with the promise to return the same or an equivalent: Our neighbor borrowed my lawn mower. My friend borrowed $10.

6. Just because I’m a writer doesn’t mean that I am a walking dictionary. I don’t know what that big word means. Use it in a sentence and I can figure it out.

However, thanks to the attention span of the world/readers I choose to write at the average level of a 7th grade reading level that newspapers and many other publications use. Why? Because my people, if you don’t hear or use those type words every day of your lives 99% aren’t going to know what it means or even care to know what it means.

Most people aren’t that engrossed in what you’re saying that they want to take the time to figure out what you just said. Say it short, sweet and simple – period.

7. People that text you repeatedly when you are mad and not speaking to them. I don’t want to make matters worse by telling you exactly how I feel at this exact moment. You didn’t want to hear it when you originally pissed me off and now that I’ve stewed in it and on it for awhile you really don’t want me to actually open my mouth at this point.

Furthermore, kissing my ass afterward only pisses me off worse. I do forgive, oh the first few times. Keep doing it and I am reminded again and again of it. At that point you just become annoying and yes, that pisses me off even more.

8. I am not perfect. Get it?

I get sick, I get tired, I have sad moments, I have happy moments. I am called a human being. Its not always someone’s fault, it is just life and it happens when you are living life.

If we lived in a perfect world, I still wouldn’t be perfect or I’d be sitting on the right hand side of God Himself.

9. Neither is anyone else. Get it?

10. On a good note…I started work yesterday. Now I have something to do other than clean this apartment and read, and now I get to deal with the stupidity of others up close and personal.

Monday Meanderings

I start work today. Yay! I am not only excited to be starting work after all these years, but am truly excited to be working for a company that does so much for others.  Goodwill Industries of Northern New England is the site if you would like to see the wonderful things that they do in this area! My new job may seem small to some yet if you explore the bigger picture you can see just how important all aspects of working for this company are. Please remind me of these things when I decide to complain about my job…

I haven’t blogged or been online much lately. I have had one of my beloved sinus infections. G bought me a Netie pot yesterday. I can’t believe that I didn’t bring mine when I moved here. I had forgotten just how wonderful these crazy contraptions are and how much better you will feel after using one. video

I like this brand better (Neilmed Nasaflo) than the other one I purchased. This one has a lid that you can use to slow the flow down. I haven’t been able to use a Netie on the left side of my nose because the flow was too fast. The lid slows the flow down and keeps it from hurting as it rinses your sinuses out.

A few tips…your internal body temperature is around 98.6 so use very warm water.  Not boiling, but very warm. Cold water hurts like hell! You will need to blow your nose after – do it gently. Your ears will pop when you blow too hard and it is uncomfortable especially if you are already congested or in advanced stages of sinusitis (allergy or non-allergy) or have a head cold.

I am so grateful that I’m not flying this holiday season. People still amaze me. They want to fly as safely as possible yet don’t want to be inconvenienced by the measures we have to take to keep things as safe as possible. There is no magic pill or potion – just perseverance and yes, inconvenience for those that mean no harm to others. We, all of us, are doing the best that we can at this point. In the near future, I’m sure, we will find a less intrusive way to determine that the passengers are safe from terrorists or other idiots that want to do others harm.

The locals think I’m crazy. Okay, so everyone pretty much knows I’m crazy but I am excited about getting our first snow. Being from the Mid-South I’ve never experienced a real snow before. My excitement may not last long when it comes but until then I will be excitedly crazy about it. I want to experience snow up to my butt in my lifetime and I am in the perfect place to do just that. I am forever grateful that I won’t have to be working in it.

I am in awe of those here that work in all kinds of weather. It rains, they still work. It snows, they still work. Our beach front here in Hampton is moving right along – no matter the weather. The progress on this project is so different than what I’m use to seeing in the Memphis area. No excuses, no budget problems just continuing progress on having a better area for tourists this summer. It will also benefit us that live here year round as well. More parking, better pedestrian walk areas to keep them safer and will ease up traffic when having to drive Ocean Blvd. Win win situation for all!

Wishful Wednesday

It is windy out today.  I need to wear weighted boots. It is also raining – which seems to be the norm, wind and rain.  I just need to get me some boots, period.

These would be sweet sweet sweet to have.  Although I don’t think they would go well with the dress that I want. 

I like these shoes, minus the Dorothy Glitter - although I might just go for the bling glam.

I haven’t worn heels in years (as in YEARS) so I will probably need one of these, too.

 

 

 

 

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I broke down and bought a hat cap yesterday.  I’m tired of my hair looking like this in the morning all day long.

So today I’m getting my hair cut like this…maybe…probably shorter on the top.

I have been cursed blessed with thick wavy hair that has to be thinned every other day or it looks like this more times than not.

It appears that my morning hair looks better than my all day long hair. Yep, getting a hair cut today.

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While I’m wishing in one hand and spitting in the other to see what I have more of when I’m done…

I want these:

Another Blackberry.  This flip phone I am currently using is driving me bonkers. Once you go Crackberry Blackberry you never go back.

Yes, this is a windshield. I would really like a new one of these for my truck, along with brakes, an oil change and some other things.

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Wordless Wednesday

Monday Meanderings: Winter’s Coming

Its almost here and I am a little too excited. I’ve never had a ‘real’ winter before. I may have an attitude adjustment once it actually gets here, though. I’ve never had snow up to my butt before so it’s a 50/50 deal – may love it or hate it. We shall see.

I need to spend the day making sure that I am ready for it. I have to remember to keep phones charged up in case the power goes out. It is a relief to know that the regulars here don’t usually drive in snow storms so it isn’t important that I know how.

I am guessing that I need to keep my excitement about the coming snow to myself. The locals already know think I am may be crazy. I think they’re crazy at times, too. I’m in layered clothing while they’re still in shorts and hoodies when the sun is shining.

I don’t understand how G and his co-workers handle this weather. They are in it, working. I can handle about an hour next to the water. They work on the water, all day long, no matter the weather (unless the winds are too high).

G is feeling much better today. Not 100% but is back at work today. Thank goodness it wasn’t the flu or anything that lasted too long. He was down for the count for a couple of days. I hate that I can’t ‘fix’ it when someone is sick like that.

I am also glad for selfish reasons. I miss his hugs, his smiles and yes, his kisses. He hibernates when he doesn’t feel well.

I have a new friend. We shall call her B. She is totally awesome. From the moment I met her, we laugh a lot. She says that I am an inspiration to her. That’s sweet but I think she has it backward. She inspires me, and I think I just amuse her. Either way, I am grateful to have her in my life.

I wish, oh how I wish, that I could capture the beauty of the ocean with my camera. Those that have not experienced it, well, you can’t get the essence of it all from a picture or even a video. I am so blessed to be able to sit on my front porch and hear the ocean waves as they break on the beach. The sight, sound and smell – beyond any words I can find. A little piece of heaven to me.

I am totally, awesomely and intensely moved by my love for my children. I love you L, A, E, M, I and baby J! Hope everyone is doing great and smile more than you frown!

Meals, G, Mom, Adoption, and Kid Swapping

I can’t figure out what my problem is with grocery shopping and menu planning. I mean, I love to eat. I have this mental block thing that happens when I need to figure out a grocery list.

I seem to do better just walking through a grocery store, looking at the foods available and then gathering the ingredients for what I decide to make for the night.

Yes, I said for the night, one meal.

Imagine how long it would take me to shop for a week’s worth of meals that way.

I ran to town yesterday to sign some papers.  I got a job. No, I got the  job that I wanted. Yay me! Oh, groceries. I didn’t do well walking the store yesterday because I was hungry. Hungry for the brownies I baked before leaving. So, I walked into the grocery store and grabbed some canned whipped topping. Yep, I’m good that way sometimes, too.

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G is sick. Poor guy. Stubborn mule won’t let me do anything to make him feel better. Okay, okay, I know – I complained before when any man in my life was sick because they are such babies. Now I feel lost because my baby won’t let me take care of him.

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My mother is okay and that’s a relief. I received word that she has moved in temporarily with my brother. Her blood pressure had dropped too low and they have adjusted her medicine. I kind of stresses me out because I can’t afford to go home and check on her.

Then again, when I lived 45 minutes from her I didn’t check on her. Seems I’m a really good kid that way. I guess I have no right to complain about my kids ignoring me. They learned from their mom by example.

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Adoption. I really don’t get the issues with this one, why adoptees feel so unloved, uncared for or the need to find their natural parents.

What is the problem? I am adopted. I appreciate that my natural mom didn’t abort me, but don’t care to find her. I, even though I’m a crappy kid, am content with the couple that I’m proud to call my parents. They didn’t give birth to me, but they took on the uncool parts – oh like raising me.

I was listening to a show where a girl was trying to find her natural mother. It was so important to her that she was a runaway because of it? She has a one year old daughter that she left behind to find her natural mother. Makes a person wonder if maybe her mom did the same thing?

Seriously people. There are times that I would rather someone else have raised my kids. I knew deep down inside that there was someone who could do a much better job. In fact, my first husband raised our children for 11 years. It overwhelmed me. I thought I was ready. I was wrong.

So what…I should have raised them? Can you even begin to imagine the damage that I would have done to my children, and that’s if they survived? Literally survived living with me – as in remained alive, period. I loved them enough to let someone else take over.

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I was doing genealogy work on my family years ago. I discovered that the census for relatives would change every year. One family would have an extra kid or two, and another would be minus a kid or two. It wasn’t because they didn’t love their children, they just helped each other out. A new baby was born on a farm with only boys. It wasn’t uncommon for that family to ‘trade’ or have a female relative come to live with them. It wasn’t uncommon for a farmer to have a relative come stay for the year to help with the crops.

A hundred years ago it wasn’t a crime, it was survival and also a gift of families helping families in the way they needed the most.

Thoughtful Thursday

Today is Veterans Day. Today is a very special day. It doesn’t matter what your views are on any war, past or present, these special men and women put their lives on the line for our freedom. To them, I am forever grateful. Thank you.

I enjoyed a peaceful, dreamless sleep last night. I woke to a warm home and safe. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like to not sleep or sleep so lightly that you are aware of the rustling of the trees, footsteps in the distance, unnatural silence,  jets flying over or bombs going off all around. These brave men and women kept this away from here, away from our country.

I am able to have faith in my God, as I see Him, without being persecuted. Others are able to have faith in their gods, as they see them, without being persecuted.

I am able to go to the grocery and purchase foods of my choice. Fresh foods and have access to fresh water – every day. I am able to seek employment of my choice, and as much employment as I choose.

I can go shopping for clothes, cars and fun things. I can wear just about anything that I choose, wear makeup if I choose, color my hair if I choose, cut my hair if I choose, buy sell or trade my truck if I choose, and even watch movies or television shows of my choice. I can buy candy, cakes and sodas to my heart’s content.

I can visit a doctor and get the medicines that I need, not just what is available at the time. I can have dental work done as needed, and by a specialist if needed.

I have a cellphone and internet service. I can read whatever I choose and wherever I choose. I have more conveniences than I can list. Dishwasher, microwave, oven, stove, washer, dryer, running water, indoor bathrooms, hot water, a shower, soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, body washes, body lotions…

I am forever grateful. Thank you.

Wordless Wednesday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Ten

1. Bothers me how everyone assumes that the guy is the one at fault.
2. If you truly love someone, you have to take the good with not so good. Don’t try to change or save them. If there are some things you just can’t live with then you need to detach with love – love them from afar. If you can live with the not so good, then just love them through it. This is a two way street in all relationships. ALL relationships meaning business, personal and social.
3. Codependency isn’t always a bad thing. There are times when two codependents can actually balance each other out making them productive, socially acceptable people. At that point it becomes interdependency, so let it evolve. Just because you can’t live that way doesn’t mean it is wrong for others.
4. Sometimes getting down to what is bothering you, whether it was something from 20 years ago or yesterday, takes time. Its like peeling an onion. The more layers you peel off, the more uncomfortable it gets and there will be tears. Be patient with those trying to get to the center of their problems.
5. Don’t understand why people think that I am weird or a glutton for punishment when I feel honored when someone wants me by their side when they are ‘peeling their onions’. It simply means they feel safe with me, trust me and know that I am there for them.
6. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Proudly.
7. If love doesn’t move you to smile randomly throughout the day, make you a little antsy/giddy when you see the one(s) you love or give you a little discomfort (usually mistaken for pain) then you haven’t truly experienced love.
8. Love and lust can coexist in a personal relationship. In fact, when they coexist then it a wonderful thing.
9. Breaking a coffee addiction is harder for me than it was to stop drinking. Drinking hot green tea does help, though.
10. Thanks all those that run soup kitchens or I would have gone hungry last week. Please donate to soup kitchens – toilet paper, razors, soap and shampoo are hot items in need by those frequenting soup kitchens. Again, please donate either your time or these type items.

Monday Meanderings

I need to put bricks in my pockets before going out in 25-30 mph winds.

Empty garbage cans in said winds don’t help the situation.

Is grateful that I have absolutely nowhere to go today unless I am called in for an interview. However, would be more grateful if I were called out for an interview.

Online applications are, well, a pain in the butt and brain. Who comes up with these questions? Thank goodness I don’t have to work for food, shelter or electricity or I’d be in a bad spot right now.

Taco Bell standards are the same here as in the South. If you order more than one of anything, it throws them off. Time frame for 2 Grande meals: 10-15 minutes. Don’t even bother, they don’t take call in orders.

True to my nature of what, 48 years, if Kay can’t decide between two things she will get one of each/both. Flashing back to 2000 when I was offered a puppy. I had to choose between a Red Merle female and a Black Merle male. Yep, instead of getting a puppy, we got a puppies. You would have done the same. These were the most beautiful Catahoula puppies I had ever seen. Angel and Junior. Okay, so maybe that was an extreme flashback. I couldn’t decide between soft or hard tacos so I got 10 of each (2 Grande meals).

I apparently suck at being a mom, but after reading other mommy blogs I realize that we all suck at it. So dear children of the world, if you manage to reach adulthood then you’re lucky. Otherwise that means we didn’t get the basic stuff taken care of for you as a parent, and those are the really sucky parents – be grateful that you had just sucky parents instead of really sucky parents.

Being homeless, even for a few hours, is scary as hell. Living out of your truck for 3 days also sucks. Thank goodness I had a warm place to stay. (might write about this one day – but not today)

Never lose hope. There is always someone out there that can and will help you – not expecting a damn thing in return.

Never burn bridges. EVER.

Fabulous Friday

My apartment will be ready in about 2 weeks, maybe sooner.

I found an apartment (guess that should have been first?).

G and I are on speaking terms again (might post about that one later).

I refuse to drink – EVER again.

I will take my meds EVERY day.

Have a great Fabulous Friday and a great weekend!

How Much Are You Willing To Pay?

I’ll be the first to admit that I love quiet. Not silence, not being ignored, but quietness.

What I have today is total silence. Silence from my children. I can’t handle it. I can’t.

This, this is honestly one price I didn't know I would have to pay for my happiness. Freedom from a town that chokes me to death, literally. An area full of memories that I would rather forget but kept coming 'home' to again and again. A place, that even as a child, couldn’t wait to get away from – far far away.

I have finally done it. Gotten so far away from that place that I can’t imagine how I’d ever get back here. I can’t even begin to make it happen because I don’t want to be there. I honestly, truly, sincerely hate the Mid-South. No offense to anyone there, it just isn’t home to me. It hasn’t been, in like forever.

My memories of Memphis start when I was 4 years old. That is when we moved there from Houston, TX. My very first memory, I mean the very first one wasn’t a good one. We arrived before my father, who stayed behind to help with the movers. It was a nightmare that I will never forget. It was raining, there were problems and my father – he didn’t arrive when he was suppose to arrive. I can still feel what I felt then – scared out of my wits. In a new place, a new town, it was storming and I wanted my father. He did make it safely the next day, but that trauma, yes trauma, seems to set the stage for the rest of my life in that area. I say that area because I’m no longer there.

I do love it here. I am happy here. I can breathe, I smile often, I am living with a wonderful person and have so many opportunities without pressure here. The one thing I don’t have is my children. What has changed? What happened? What the hell did I do?

I don’t even know where my children are living. Two of them were in my apartment when I left. Three if you count my ‘non’ child Austin. I believe he is in Cordova now? WTF? I am hoping that they are living with their sister in Southaven, but I haven’t a clue. I get in my truck, drive to New Hampshire and my family just disappears. Again, WTF?

I hope my fears aren’t real. That they are just False Expectations Appearing Real. That they didn’t choose my last husband for me because I was such a sucky parent that they needed someone in their lives to lead, guide, direct and love them properly. To really take care of them the way that they needed to be taken of in the correct way.

I was such a liberal parent (shit, I don’t even really know what that word means – liberal, guess I need to look it up, huh). I allowed them to explore themselves and the world around them. Encouraging them whatever path they chose in life – at the moment or forever. I just wanted them to make their own choices. Be their own persons. I even dared to hope that my off the way, so not-like-Kay move to New Hampshire would inspire them to reach out for their dreams. For once in my life I was trying to practice what I preached. To actually show them by walking the walk instead of just – well fucking just talking shit.

Today I am living my dream. A dream that I’ve had for a long time. Living on the Northeastern Coast, writing. What I didn’t dream of is not having my children in my life. My grandchild in my life. It’s a price I didn’t know I would have to pay.

If I had known this was the ultimate price, I would still be living in Horn Lake MS.

Tuesday Ten

1. Seeing this: Available only from October through February.

After eating this:

Each dark chocolaty cake is rolled with the cool flavor of peppermint
creme filling and covered in scrumptious fudge icing. Individually
wrapped six to a carton.

2. Wondering how well #1 will freeze and can I order by the truck load?

3. Wanting the world to know that just because I’m a female, my truck is broken down in a town where I know 3 people does not mean that I am using my ‘female ways’ to get help. And no, it was fixed for $10 because they used my parts and my tools – no blow job or other sexual favors were involved. (I don’t do that for less than…).

4. I didn’t lie about knowing some basic auto mechanic skills because I let others work on my truck. Yesterday is case in point. One, I didn’t have a spare battery on my truck to boost myself off. Two, my jumper cables happen to be in one of my kid’s vehicles now. Three, I had more errands to run and for $10 I let someone else, who was already greasy/dirty fix it.

5. Fire coming from your engine compartment doesn’t always mean something horrible. Until you see what is actually causing all the smoke you WILL freak out, though.

6. Just because the parts house computer says that is the proper size battery for your truck, it probably isn’t.

7. Just because you drive an older vehicle doesn’t mean you need a special oil for it. It needs a lighter oil because its easier to deal with – kind of like me. I’m older and need to take it a little easier on myself when I can. Moral: be kind to yourself when you need to be.

8. Sometimes a bottle of cheap wine and a B movie can make great memories.

9. Halloween doesn’t have to mean candy, kids and costumes. (see #8)

10. You can cry when you’re happy.

I Am Him, They Are Me

I woke up crying this morning. I went to sleep last night crying. I wonder if I’ll figure out why. I wonder if I’ll even bother trying to figure it out.

I don’t boohoo cry. Tears just flow freely. I hear they make medicine for that. Even though tears are streaming down my face as I type this, in my heart I think that my therapist from 1994 would be so proud of me. See, in 1994 I couldn’t wouldn’t cry. I did cry, but only when I was having a total breakdown.

I’m not having a breakdown right now. I’m just, well, crying. My heart doesn’t hurt, I am not sad, and I am not upset about anything. Since I don’t know the source, I guess this is the time for that medicine?

Six weeks or so ago I washed my clothes hangers (plastic) in the dishwasher to get them all clean and shiny. When I posted it on Facebook, someone commented “they make a medicine for that.”

Yesterday one of my pans under the stove kept rattling. It was irritating distracting. Very distracting. I found myself clenching my teeth together. Flexing my fingers to release any tension that might be creeping up, and did the mental check of “did I take my medicine for that…do I need to increase my medicines for that…”

Instead, I did what any normal person would do at that point. I took the pan out from under the stove and made brownies in it. Today I will venture down to the beach to see the progress they are making on the new construction. Strangely enough, the rattling of the pan just made me want to see what they were working on down there.

I was upset with myself because I couldn’t block it out. I couldn’t block out my curiosity. I’m sure they make a medicine for that, too.

I believe my tears are just tears of release. Letting go of the past and allowing my future to unfold. That I’m allowing my duck to be black.  I don’t care if they make a medicine for that…

Writer’s Block?

Not sure if I have writer’s block or need a change in direction for this blog. I’ve read back over my previous posts and apparently (duh) I wasn’t a happy person. The past is past and its time to be in the present.

In just a few days I will have officially been in New Hampshire a month. Some days it feels like I’ve always been here, and other days I feel like I just got here.

I still have days where I get bored and antsy. Not really sure what to do with myself or my time. One thing that I don’t get is frustrated or worried. I could get a job. That would fill up any free time that I have to fill. Just think what I could do with the extra money too!

Hm. That last one is a little on the funny side. All I can think of is buying things to bake, and maybe buying some cookware. That is silly since we live in a furnished apartment so I have all the cookware I need here and if I need more, I go to the utility room for the property and get what I need/want out of there to use. Let’s not forget that G is always buying stuff to bake. We are a couple of baking fools here.

I have a pay as you go phone, which is cool because G is the only one that calls me. Our conversations are pretty short since he’s on break at work, or wants to know if what I need him to pick up on his way home from work when he calls. We don’t text often because, well, we actually like talking to each other. My computer does exactly what I need it to do. We have a Redbox rental right down the street, and have cable as part of the ‘furnished’ apartment. I also have free WiFi here.

At this point in my life I can honestly say that I have no wants or unmet needs. My only thing to deal with today is getting this place straightened back up from last night, figuring out what to fix for dinner tonight, shoe shopping and getting my driver’s license – which here is a breeze since I just go and swap my Mississippi license for a New Hampshire one.

I may just sit here at the apartment and read my new book instead of getting out today. Decisions, decisions. Yep, I think I’ve got a pretty good life here.

Thirsty Thursday

Today’s post is brought to you by Kay on Extra Strength Tylenol Sinus. This means that there will be misspellings, grammatical errors and wonderings that will have an articulate 6 years in awe of me. I am also wearing a sweatshirt in 70 degree weather. Why, you ask…because I have the shakes and can’t decide if I’m cold or just have sinus medicine induced shakes.

First off, I have to say that I hate my blog theme. I loved it, but now I think its too dark. Might be that I can’t see well today but it is going to have to stay that way for now because I can’t remember how to change it at this very moment. I’m sure I’ll figure it out later, but right now I’m doing good to find the refrigerator to get more water since I’m dying of thirst.

What is it with sinus meds making you so damned thirsty? I am what, 120 soaking wet so I tried to do the math of how much water I need to take in to counter this dryness but my brain wouldn’t go there. It doesn’t seem to matter how much water I drink, I’m still thirsty.

And, wtf, my hands look like they are prune hands. Is that where the water is going? My fingertips? You would think after the gallons of water that I have taken in off and on all day that I would at least had a couple of bathroom trips. Nope.

I just checked my water intake technique, and yes I’m drinking the water not putting my hands or fingers in the bottle.

I brushed off putting in an application on a job lead today. No excuses other than I was sitting on the porch drinking my coffee. I noticed a bird on the roof, then I noticed the sky behind it was moving and that the effect just about made me fall out of the chair. Yep, Kay didn’t need to be driving anywhere today.

And, I just brewed a piping hot pot of water – for the second time today. All so I didn’t look like a drugged out, crying idiot for a potential job today. At least my head doesn’t hurt! Kudos to Tylenol for this stuff! Awesome job my peoples, awesome job. Now if I could just figure out how to not look like a drugged out idiot – which isn’t possible because at this point in time I am one. Wonder what I would be like if I took a full dose of this stuff instead of just half.

Woohoo, my drunk neighbors are home from work. It must be 5:30. Usually I enjoy watching them unload from their trucks (10 of them, 2 trucks) but today its just, well, overwhelming and dizzying.

Success! I actually made a pot of coffee this time. Maybe I can sober up now since I took these meds like 8 hours ago. Wonder if I can start dinner without burning the place down? Oh wait, dinner is already ready and just needs to be heated up. I made it last night while sober and in pain from my sinuses, so I could drug up today and not burn the place down.

Baked spaghetti tonight my peoples! Italian sausage and shrimp. Yummy!

Wordless Wednesday

 

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Tuesday Ten

Okay, this isn’t the same as a Ten On Tuesday, which is a prewritten list of ten questions to answer. Tuesday Ten is where I get to list ten things that totally piss me off.

I slept on it, yep, took a nap this morning and am still in a pissy mood so you guys get a Tuesday Ten from me anyway…brace yourself, it isn’t pretty.

 

 

1. I hate not being able to smoke in my home. When I first get up in the morning I want a stupid cigarette and a cup of coffee. I prefer not to stand in the rain, gear up because its 30° outside or have to get dressed to do this.

2. People, especially kids (grown), that tell you they want you to be happy. Yeah right, as long as you don’t do anything in the world that might upset their precious lifestyles. God forbid they should have to clean their own bathrooms, wash some dishes, clean their cats’ litter box, get a job. This chick ain’t playing the fucking whore just to keep step-daddy’s money coming in for you.

3. Same goes to ex-husbands that lie through their teeth just to keep you under their control. I’m gone, go on…pretend I’m dead. I find that is the easiest way to deal with someone leaving. What would you do if they were dead. I don’t mean wish them dead – just what the hell would you do if they had died. You’d go on with your life, duh.

3. People that tell you what a sucky parent, lover, wife, housekeeper, money manager and then get pissy when you disappear out of their lives. Strangely enough they can’t even be happy when I’m not there fucking things up. Oh wait, maybe it wasn’t me after all and they have to look in the mirror for a change. (see #3)

4. People that assume things. Accuse someone of something long enough and they will do it. Period. Hell, why not, they may as well enjoy doing some of the shit they’re getting accused. Wait, I even messed that one up. I’m with someone else but am divorced. Shit, can’t even get that one right.

5. I hate, hate, hate that I feel guilty about being happy. How many times do you think its healthy to downplay your life just so no one is jealous or realizes just how crappy their lives are? I am not always happy, but I am happy more times than not. In fact, 99.9% of the time I am in a good space and love life. So back off and quit trying to make me question it. Oh, and guess what! I bought a $5 lottery ticket (the only one I have ever and will ever purchase) and won $65. Take that you unhappy, unlucky bastards!

6. Men that talk down to or about their wives. Hussy, husserial unit, wifey, ball and chain are NOT terms of endearment. Men that look at porn (mags or movies) telling their wives or girlfriends that they do it to enhance their sexual performance or spice up the relationship. When guys even so much as do the ‘extended stare’ at a beautiful woman passing by it just lets us know how defective you think we are body-wise.

7. Women that allow #6 to continue. I fall into this category so don’t attack me on it.

8. Born again Christians, newborns especially, that want to save everyone and everything on the planet. AND recovering alcoholics.

9. People calling me lazy because I can efficiently knock out my errands and clean our apartment from top to bottom by noon – which leaves me plenty of time to read, meditate, walk on the beach and just flat out enjoy my life. Shit, can even throw a nap in there since I’m up at 4:30a every morning.

10. My top peeve for the day is people who keep telling me what I need to be doing, but can’t seem to do it themselves. If they stayed on themselves half as much as they stay on me then they could be making a hell of a lot of progress on bettering themselves.

Ten On Tuesday

1. What is your favorite decor item in your house?

A brown basket filled with Smarties, Blow Pops and Tootsie Rolls.

2. What is your favorite hair product?

Suave Smooth and Sleek.

3. Are you a good dancer?

Only when I’m drunk.

4. You get some good news, who’s the first person you call?

My best friend Susie Q.

5. Would you rather take pictures, or be in pictures?

Take pictures, definitely.

6. What is your shoe style?

Casual and don’t hurt or hinder me.

7. How often do you eat out?

Once a week.

8. If someone has food in their teeth, do you tell them?

Most definitely and I hope they would do the same for me.

9. Do you fold your underwear?

Hmmm, thongs are hard to fold so I guess that is a no.

10. Milk, dark, or white chocolate?

Depends on my mood and what it is in. Milk chocolate to just eat, dark chocolate in cakes and cookies and white chocolate in my espressos.

Job Hunting

I sincerely need an attitude adjustment while job hunting. I was considering working places I love to shop. That isn’t a good idea.

I went to Marshall’s. Yep, already had my first paycheck spent in my mind before I even put in an application. Two purses caught my eye. TJ Maxx, purses and shoes. Staples, computer stuff…

Not only is it hard enough to figure out what to put down as work experience when you haven’t worked in 10+ years, but when it comes to putting down your expected pay rate I figure it was easy.

Will work for shoes, purses, and/or other cool shit that you carry in your store. Then again, I don’t need any of those things, just want them.

Better yet, maybe I should work several part time jobs. Brake shop for the brake job I need, a glass replacement shop for the windshield I need replaced and then the DMV to work off my license, tags and registration. Then I can switch over to working for ATT, Comcast and Verizon to pay off those bills.

Do people still barter that way?

Sunday Brunch

G and I don’t say the L word often to each other. We choose to show each other instead of tossing that word around carelessly. Today he only had to work half a day…

He came home with a bunch of groceries, fresh olives from olive bar for me (I adore fresh olives!), a bottle of wine and fixed the most delicious brunch for us.

I have eaten well, had some delicious wine and snuggled up with the sweetest man that walks this earth. The day isn’t even over yet.

Yep, life is good and this chick feels the love.

Updates

…of more than one kind.

I use Window Live Writer to post to my blog. I updated my Windows Live stuff (messenger, writer and email) and boy do these programs look different now! I’m sure they will be easier to use – once I figure out where the heck everything is again!

It’s a wonderful 36° here in Hampton. The high is suppose to be around 55° and sunny so it will be another sweet day here on the coast. A little windy for my skinny self, but that is okay. I just stand sideways so it doesn’t blow me away!

In the two and half weeks that I have been here I haven’t had a headache or been sick. G wants me to have a flu shot. I haven’t ever had one and don’t plan on starting now. I’m so backwards that it will probably make me sick. No sinus problems, no bronchitis, coughing or sore throat (not entirely true – had to back off the cayenne pepper, it was killing my throat).

Grocery shopping here is adventure. Strangely enough I am having trouble finding corn tortillas. Bread choices are wonderful! All these delis and bakeries in grocery stores are a gazillion times better than in Hell, MS. There are olive bars. I kid you not, freakin’ olive bars. This means I can buy just how much of whatever type olive I want and fresh. I’m in olive heaven!

Food prices are also surprisingly low here. I’m sure that one is just a misconception on my part that since the money is better up here that the expenses would be high as well.

I also sleep so well. I wake up feeling good and ready to start the day. Okay, so maybe I don’t sleep in one spot all night because this is what my bed looks like every morning. Makes it harder to make up in the morning, but so worth it to sleep that well.

My back and hips don’t hurt anymore, my neck doesn’t hurt and I feel fantastic when I get up. Even the cold doesn’t affect my old joints and muscles – it actually seems to be helping ease up some old pains of mine.

Since we don’t smoke in the apartment, I have cut back on my smoking by 3/4. Yes, I am down to 1/4 a pack a day. Go me! I am also down to a half pot of coffee a day. Again, go me!

Not having a phone is a new experience for me. I do have a phone, but don’t give out the number. I can’t text on it since it’s a flip phone. I’m use to my Blackberry and thumb typing on a full keyboard. Now I have to remember how many times to hit a key to make a certain letter or number! Internet service is iffy here, too. Really keeps my computer addictions in check. Surprisingly enough, these ‘problems’ are a relief to me. Very freeing and now I can focus on what I really want to be doing without all the distractions.

It is also nice to use my brain for a change instead of relying on my phone or computer to help keep me organized.

Have a great day my peoples! Comment if you like, don’t if you don’t want to but please don’t email me with your comments. Just remember that life is good if you let it be!

Why You Shouldn’t Relocate

1. You might find happiness.

2. You might find a job when you couldn’t where you lived before.

3. You might find the love of your life.

4. You might discover that you really like yourself.

5. You might be able to handle the weather where you go better than where you lived before.

6. You might find surroundings and people that are supportive instead of holding you down with their own fears.

7. You might discover new talents and/or exciting things about yourself that you didn’t know.

8. You might discover that things you thought you enjoyed doing, you actually don’t like doing them at all.

9. You might find that you are healthier in your new location, not just emotionally but also physically.

10. You might live happily ever after.

Updated About Me Page

 

About me. Do you have an about me page? Because people want to know. Write a page that describes who you are and what you’re about or spruce up your current about me page!

 

I still have trouble with the ‘About Me’ stuff so I wrote it in 3rd person. Click the link above or here.

I Apparently Talk Bad About My Kids, and Wordless Wednesday With Maxine

It has been brought to my attention that I talk poorly of my children. I am wrong to do this. They are precious children, perfect little angels and mean no harm. I, as usual, misread their actions.

I mean, seriously, what right do I have to be upset that my cable bill is $167. Even though Comcast cut the service, I am still being billed for the internet since the modem hasn’t been returned. Silly me, I thought I mentioned that if they didn’t want to pay for internet and cable to please return the modem so Comcast wouldn’t bill me for internet service anymore. I obviously forgot to mention it to my precious angels.

Now that I look back on it, that text from one child threatening me with court if I didn’t send child support was just a cute child-like way of saying we miss you, please come home. Who on earth could possibly misread that text the way I did? Shame on me.

My precious ones also have been good to keep me on my mental toes, too! If I decide to come back to that area I have a real challenge ahead of me. I don’t have a place to stay anymore. I lucked out in getting that place with no job, no income and rent free for a couple of months. Now I owe back rent and damages ($1400+). Not to mention the electric bill that goes with the apartment ($298). God bless them! Such a loving way to encourage their mom to get a job and get back on her feet.

I just hope and pray that one day they can forgive me for talking bad about them.

Now for…

Wordless Wednesday:

And Your Point Is?

If you have something to do, do it. If you have something to say, say it. ~ Roy Masters

It has nothing to do with being ADD, being too busy or not caring. It has to do with people not getting to the point. Say what you have to say, do what you have to do and be done with it.

And I'll be satisfied, Not to read in between the lines
~Van Morrison, Sweet Thing

Why on earth would you want someone to have to read between the lines? How do you even know that they’re going to come up with what you’re hoping they’ll ‘see’? WTF? Say what you mean. Spit it out. It is that easy, really it is that easy.

If you feel that what you have to say is important, treat it as important. Quit dicking around expecting others to figure out what the hell you’re talking about, and quit complaining that no one listens to you – especially when you haven’t said anything since you first opened your mouth.

Rules, Rules, Rules

Boy my roommate has so many rules. Rules about this, rules about that -  rules, rules, rules.

Stuff like if you spill something clean it up. Dirty a dish, wash it. Clean as you cook. Rinse the bathroom sink out after using it. Hang your wet towel up on the rack. Dry the dishes and put them away when you are through. Turn off lights that you aren’t using. If you’re not watching the television then turn it off. Make your bed when you get out of it. Dirty clothes go in the hamper, clean clothes get hung up or put away immediately…

I am in pure heaven! I am living with someone that doesn’t have to worry about me breaking the rules.

There a few rules that I am having trouble with though.

Drinking enough water. I have orders (hehe) to drink two bottled waters a day. TWO!?

I also have to drink at least one glass of juice a day and am not allowed to live off of tv dinners and English muffins.

The one that gets me is that I cannot get out of bed before 5 in the morning. WTF. For some reason it bothers G for me to get up earlier than him and have coffee ready. I would fix his breakfast for him but he says it throws off his morning routine. I can understand not getting up with him at 4:30 and being in his way, but sheesh I have to lay in bed forever since I wake up at 3:30 for some reason.

He did let me cook breakfast for him this morning. He didn’t get off work until 11 last night and had to be at work at 7 this morning.

I have to say, even with his rules, I have the coolest roommate in the world!

Trying To Remember

I am trying to remember my children. I know this sounds strange. Please bear with me.

I have been living here a little over a week. My family shut me out, and I shut them out. I have been angry at them and the world around me. I am out of my comfort zone. Not a comfortable zone, but what I knew.

Now I am trying to remember them. Truly remember them. I haven't spoken to or seen my mom in months. I remember her clearly. Those that I've seen recently, well I have a distorted memory of them. I know that I have five children, one by marriage.

Child #1 is the one working two jobs and is recently married, he is tall like his father and the one that takes over when mom loses it.

Child #1a is the beautiful young lady that married child #1. She wants a baby. She has CTS in her wrist and it breaks my heart.

Child #2 is a young mother of a little boy that laughs and smiles all the time. She is living with an uncle and is looking for work.

Child #3 is a hard working young lady. She doesn't like her body shape, and has a very messy side. She changes her hair color often.

Child #4 is a handsome young man with no goals or ambition in life. Smarter than anyone I know, just doesn't apply it to anything.

I am not being mean. I am being honest. I wonder what they remember about me? The woman who cried all the time? The moody person that lived with us? The woman that couldn't cope with anything so she slept all the time? The woman who couldn't say anything nice, but kept talking anyway?

It is sad that we remember or are remembered by our consistent actions instead of who we are deep down inside or even what we look like on the outside?

See, what I remember about my children is what I faced every day with them. What they remember of me is what I faced every day, not who I am or who I was then. Our memories are based on what we consistently showed the world. We lived our problems, anger and disappointments instead of living our lives as us.

Child #1 has a smile that is heartwarming and a laugh that will put a smile on your face. He has hugs that make you feel safe and secure. He is tall, but not domineering. He has his father's hands. No, he has hands like his father. Strong, hard working safe hands.

Child #1a is a beautiful young girl that has a life force about her that is contagious. Her love runs so deep for others and it moves me to be more like her. I am blessed to have her as a daughter.

Child #2 is also full of life and love. She is a good mother. It shows in her baby's eyes and laughter. She has so much to offer her baby. He is one of the lucky children in the world. She can cook, too. Oh heavens can she cook. What a gift. I hope that she never has to find work. She is doing what she loves and does best - being a mother to her child.

Child #3 has the most beautiful eyes and smile. She sings instead of talking sometimes. Dancing around like a impish fairy. Its impossible to not get lost in her happiness and know that life is wonderful. She is a hard worker, and even though sometimes people take advantage of her kind heart she keeps being her beautiful, loving and giving self.

Child #4 is so smart. He also has street smarts that will get him far in his life. He has some ideas and views that scare others, but impress me. He will make a difference in this world. A positive difference.

There are so many other wonderful qualities that my children possess. I am slow on remembering them. It will come over time. Their true selves. Not what the world has or is doing to them. In my constant worrying over them, I have forgotten who they really are and what they are truly capable of doing. My worry has hindered them in overcoming these adversities.  They will prevail, I know this because deep down inside I know my children. Who they really are and what they are capable of achieving in their lives.

In my future I want to put aside the past me and show the world who I really am. It doesn't matter what happened to me yesterday, a year ago or even 48 years ago. All that matters is who and what I am today. What I want people to remember about me.

I have the most amazing, beautiful and loving children in the universe. Period.

Apologies

I have to apologize for some of my recent posts. I stay pretty much confused about a lot of things lately and tend to voice my opinion on my blog. I also use the F word a lot, cuss a lot, and just well, piss people off a lot. I’m not sure how, but I seem to hurt some people’s feelings – a lot. I can only assume that they are just a glutton for punishment. Read my blog or don’t. The choice is yours. Take what you can use and throw the rest away. I don’t give a fuck, damn or a shit.

I am beginning to understand why people don’t like you to get too far away from them. Especially when they’ve been lying and/or controlling you. They aren’t right there to keep convincing you otherwise.

My divorce papers read:

He gets the house, I get the truck. 11 years of marriage also entitles me to alimony. He said he would help me out, not bail on me financially so I didn’t put it in the divorce papers. I am not shocked that there isn’t financial help. Oh, let me correct that one. There was help, a little here and a little there but once I didn’t ‘act right’ then that pittance stopped. Now he claims that what he actually said was that he would help me if he could. Hm. I knew this would happen, I had just hoped that for once that he would do what he said he would do. I’m not the least bit shocked that he didn’t and won’t in the future. I would be shocked if he had proved me wrong.

I also sit outside and listen to a potential (not really, just a bullshitter) customer talk about how he can’t stand those free estimates/quotes he has to give. People are just window shopping. Yep, same thing you’re doing with me. If you really wanted this flyer done you would supply me with the information that goes on it. No sir, I haven’t even started on the graphics for it because you have no idea what you want on it. I’m not dragging out my printer/scanner or even going to open my graphics software to start because I will never finish it, which means I will not get paid for it and I’m not wasting my time any more than I already have listening to you talk bad about potential customers and trying to convince me that pot is a cure for ADD. Oh, and no I’m not calling you to tell you that I don’t want your business because you’ll end up with something else you want. My phone number and you’re not getting it.

All I need is another creeper.

I know what both of these guys want, and its not a flyer set up or a friend – they want a fuck buddy and I’m not your girl.

Yep, venting right here on MY blog. Guess what people, this is mine. I pay for it, I maintain it and yes, I write whatever the hell I want to write here.

I may go overboard sometimes in my rants. I may contradict my own beliefs and judge other people. I judge myself just as harshly. I’m learning that there aren’t really demons out there. The devil doesn’t scare me like he did when I was a kid. I never met the devil, only people. What it also said about the deceased by funeral home workers is true – there is nothing to fear about the deceased, only the living can hurt you. And they will, oh yes, they will if given a chance.

The worst part about all of this is that I am also guilty of doing the same thing. I couldn’t beat them so I joined them. Not the fuck buddy part or hurting people. The telling people what they want to hear, not what I’m actually going to do. This is obvious when I actually moved when I said I was going to move and where I was going to move. For once I actually did what I said I was going to do and did I ever piss people off.

As my father had been known to say (to my mother’s dismay) “better to be pissed off than pissed on”. 

Nice, Now Get The Fuck Away From Me

I realize that I live off the boardwalk. I also realize that our porch faces a main street that people walk either to the laundry on the corner or the soup kitchen right around the corner.

I love sitting on the front porch, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette (don’t bother, I know everything going through your head about cigarette smoking).  Heaven forbid I should sit out there with a cocktail or a beer.

Everyone wants to save someone. Usually not themselves. That’s a little tougher and well, let’s face it, we have too many excuses for our own behavior but can’t accept them when other people spout them about themselves.

Because the soup kitchen is on the way past our front porch, we do get to meet some of the sweetest people making their lives better one step at a time. Everyday you see someone that is getting stronger, gaining self-assurance and just out and out looking fantastic! You can’t help but point it out to them when they stop by to say hello.

What I don’t care for is now I can barely sit on the front porch without having to entertain some of the less enjoyable ones. No, not talking about the drugged out, need to be afraid of type people. I’m talking about some people that have been in programs so long that they ‘live’ it in the wrong way. They have no lives and are so busy trying to save everyone else that they have gotten absolutely nowhere in bettering their own lives. There are those that have also recently found Jesus and want to share His love and message with my obvious sinner lost-soul self sitting out on the porch enjoying the beautiful evening that God has given us.

I do try to let those slide since I do understand that those who help others help themselves. So preach on new lambs and yes, I do know what the 12-steps are and want to say “it also involves taking your own inventory, not mine.” Nope, just smile and let them go on hoping that one day they actually get it for themselves – because I would be taking their inventory at that point now wouldn’t I?

The most rude people that I encounter are people I actually know here. I sit on the front porch during the day as well. We don’t smoke inside so the front porch is where I smoke. I can smoke on the back porch, but honestly the view isn’t that great unless you like looking at a parking lot.

I can have my nose in a book and they will stop in their cars to talk to me, get out of their cars to carry on a conversation and seem to get upset when I say I need to get back to work (or ignore them by continuing to read). Okay, since I don’t earn a damned paycheck they think I’m lying.

I do have things to do. I call it work because it isn’t what I’d love to be doing like reading on the front porch, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette without having to try to carry on a conversation with someone else at the moment. Sometimes, just sometimes, I like sitting out there wrapped in a blanket enjoying the sounds of the ocean and breathing the wonderful salt air. I’m not lonely, I’m not sad, nothing is wrong I am just in a good place enjoying the moment and beauty around me.

I am taking a break from housework, studying or laundry.

At that point, work becomes something I want to be doing instead of hearing how little money you have made that day, how you can’t wait until your settlement is made so you can go on that vacation that you’ve always wanted and at the same time telling me that you can’t pay your bills. Oh, and that you can’t get a real job right now because it could blow your case in court and you could lose your settlement.

Oh, then there is this guy that is trying to convince me that pot is the way to go to cure ADD. Yeah buddy, let’s go from having too many thoughts to uhm, none? I’m already dinging enough so zoning totally out just doesn’t appeal to me. And yes, they said cure. ROFLMAO! Looks like its working for you and the handyman flyer just handed me for your business…so not calling you or recommending you. I am also no longer interested in designing your flyer for your business.

Off to the porch to see if I can sneak a smoke, a little coffee and few pages of my book before being interrupted.

I Hate My Blackberry

I do hate it. I never dreamed I would say that about a phone I’ve carried for 3+ years. I almost smashed it to pieces yesterday. I didn’t. I exercised self-control. It wasn’t my Blackberry’s fault. I couldn’t kill the messenger, it wouldn’t be fair. It sure would have made me feel better though.

There was a time, not too long ago, that my phone was my lifeline –literally. Blackberry’s are great for this, too! The only time I can remember my BB letting me down was when I couldn’t upload my pictures to Facebook.

Several weeks ago I stayed at a friend’s house in the country. The intention was a jumping off point to get me where I am today. Get a job, save some money and then move to Northeast coast. When I headed back to Mississippi after a mere week, I knew in my heart that it wasn’t a failed attempt at my goal. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but today I can. It was a training session.

I had a crash course (boot camp if you wish) in how to live without cell phone service, internet and instant access to the world around me. Without cell service I couldn’t send or receive text messages, emails or place/receive calls. I couldn’t hook my phone to my computer as a modem.

It was good for me. Very good for me. When I arrived back in Mississippi where my phone actually worked, and even had wireless internet at my disposal – it no longer was a priority with me.

Now I am here. I am grateful that my phone worked all the way here. My GPS system is in my phone. It was also my connection to the people here that were waiting on me, encouraging me along the way – my lifeline of sorts. I left Mississippi on the 3rd, hoping to get here on the 4th with some serious driving. My phone service was scheduled to be cut off on the 5th.

I made it on the 5th, early in the morning. I did the smart thing and actually brought a map and had the route marked in case they cut the service sooner than expected.

Here it is the 14th and I still have phone service on that phone.  Any other time, when I was so dependent on this phone, my provider would have cut me off for non-payment. I even told them that I would not be paying the bill, gave them my new address so they could bill me for the balance of the contract and specifically asked them to cut it off on the 5th. I still have phone service – I think. I did yesterday, but the phone is disabled today so I have no idea and don’t care to know.

Silly me decided yesterday to turn the phone on to see if anyone had called or sent a text message. Lately the text messages I have been receiving haven’t been nice. Family and friends showing their true colors, if you will, about how they really feel/felt about my move to the coast. It had been a week so I hoped maybe there would be a few well wishes, how are you doings and maybe a few updates about their lives. Nothing but a voicemail.

I had missed a call from my ex. I checked the voicemail and it was to tell me that we were officially divorced. I already knew that, but thought it was nice that he took the time to let me know. Yes, there was a biting remark about how I could do whatever the “F” I wanted to now, but I let that slide.

I responded with a text wanting him to have a copy of the divorce papers sent to my new address. I guess I didn’t sugar coat it, or sweeten it and probably just said “I need…” and that prompted another text of “I don’t give a shit about what you need now fuck off. “

They all want(ed) me to be happy. They lied.

I’ll be honest about but what set me up for the fall yesterday. I wrote my mother a letter to let her know where I was, how I was doing and what was going on in my life. It was a hard letter to write for many reasons and took a long time to write it. My mother worries and I wanted to let her know exactly what was going on with no drama added to make her worry, but letting her know that I was sane and safe. I also wanted to let her know how much I love her and appreciate how strong of a woman she has helped me become.

I also knew in writing that letter I was pretty much telling her goodbye. I don’t know when I will be back down South again, if ever. Yes, we will write and keep each other updated. Yes, I have a new phone number here but I am not giving out the number to anyone. Honestly, there are only two contacts in my new phone’s address book. My roommate and my mother in case something happens to me they can call her.

I am not sad today. I don’t even feel sorry for my family. That is their burden to bear – you know, standing on their own two feet and going on with life. I don’t want the drama in my life anymore. I want reality. Reality only sucks when you haven’t been real with yourself. I am being real today. It feels good. No, it feels great.

I am grateful that I didn’t smash the Blackberry to pieces. I will leave it untouched until I’m sure the service is terminated before I put the battery back in it so I can use it for an organizer. That is the only thing I miss about having my BB today. The silly software that I use to organize my life, make lists and jot thoughts down. Then again, I am discovering that my iPod had a lot of the same features. I may just retire the BB after all.