As I stood in the kitchen this morning getting a verbal berating from my roommate, I had a flashback to a previous time in my life.
You just broke your child. Congratulations. (post by Single Dad Laughing)
Read it, or don’t... The title says enough, the article makes it painfully clear.
I am not a sane person. I am an emotional cripple. My parents didn’t break me. I was just born with a fragile ego.
My problem, and is a sad sad sad excuse for my behavior over my lifetime. Excuse, mind you, not a reason for my behaviors.
I remember the day today just as clearly as if it were yesterday. No, that’s not true. I remember it as though it just happened.
My life was in chaos. We had just built a house, I had just had Elizabeth, and my father had passed away. My marriage was faltering on the edge. I was insane.
Everyone around me suffered. I tried to numb the guilt of my insanity inability to cope with alcohol. It numbed me, but not my mouth and my ability to lash out at everyone and everything around me.
At the time, I literally hated my husband John. Hated him with a passion. I don’t understand why. He worked hard to provide for us. He was a good husband and father. I think I hated him because he couldn’t fix me. Couldn’t fix what I was going through.
Lee wasn’t much older than 3 years old. Maybe 4. I don’t remember that part clearly. I do remember constantly letting Lee know how much I despised his father. How much I hated him and wished he were dead. Yes, that angry and petty.
I do remember me crying all the time. I remember Lee trying to make me feel better. I remember when John would try to shake me out of my funks (verbally, he was a kind and gentle man physically) Lee would stand between me and his father and scream to John to “leave my mommy alone”. What a burden for such a young soul. He was trying to champion his mommy.
Then I did it. I broke my child. Lee was being a normal toddler and it got on my nerves. I said, “you remind me of your father.”
Fuck.
The look on his face said everything. I can still his face today. Congratulations Kay, you just broke your child.
I tried to take it back. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t mean it that way. It was too late.
The look on his face said that he wished I had killed him instead of that. Beat him. ANYTHING but that.
I left shortly after. I had to leave. I was slowly destroying my family.
Lee, I left you, Elizabeth and your father so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore. I couldn’t trust myself to not do it again. I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you. I left because I hated what I had become.
God had given me the most precious gift in the world, and I was killing you emotionally.
Lee, can you ever forgive me?
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