…you will be the first to go.
I woke this morning to no beach and no sunrise that I could see from my apartment. I got up, brushed my teeth and made some coffee. Sat down at my computer to write.
It is all different today. Instead of sitting at a table on the balcony, I am sitting at my desk in my office. It feels familiar but it is a rude awakening that I am no longer on the coast.
After a 20+ hour drive home I was grateful to be here. Off the road and out of the truck. It wasn’t a bad trip home. Well, that isn’t entirely true.
Monday we got the call that we had to go ahead and head back so that MB could be in a class this week and then head to Texas for another job. We had just gotten a call Friday letting us know we could stay there until November, only to get another call that afternoon that it looked like we weren’t going to be able to stay unless they could find someone else to take the Texas job.
I know this company well enough that on Monday that call would come, and did. Thank goodness I was packed, and even MB was packed up by Sunday night because we had to roll out immediately.
The onset of a panic attack…I wanted to lay on the ground kicking and screaming, “Please don’t make me go.”
How am I ever going to get back? When I get home will the town and the people suck me back into my old self and suffocate me? Will I be able to resist the urge to succumb to the attempts to defeat my dream?
I have become complacent in my life. Giving up or putting aside my wants and needs to help bring peace and consistency to those closest to me. Along with it, comes resentment. Especially now. My children are grown and I feel that it should be my turn. My turn to take care of myself. Nurture my own hopes and dreams.
Today will definitely be a test of my new self. Already life is hitting us straight in the face. There has been a death in the family.
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