Eye-Candy

I use to write. Seriously, wrote novels. None of them published (it helps if you actually submit them to someone) but I wrote. Faithfully. Now I do good to write a text message.

I feel like Rip Van Winkle today. How many other 40+ year old women have recently woken up and said “This isn’t what I signed up for. Who am I and how did I get to be this person?”

I’m sure there are many. I know there are many. I read it in other’s blogs and see it on Facebook with my classmates. We are no longer in different clicks or statuses – we grew up. Life happened to all of us.

Not all of my life is bad, not all of me is bad either. I don’t want to go back and do it over again – so many things I would rather not have to live through again, yet those are the things that make me who I am today. There are, however, so many parts of me that I miss and would love to figure out how to re-introduce into my life today.

Okay,  I really have to say that this post is hard to write because there is a really hot guy distracting me down on the street. I can’t help but smile, he’s flirting with me. I like it. Its a nice distraction. Very nice. Nothing like a little morning eye-candy to put a smile on your face.

Hm. Now he’s offering to come up and give me a sponge bath. Hmmmm.

This actually has something to do with this post, I promise. I am sitting in a beautiful town. It is a seasonal town. Closes up soon. Friendships are made, good-byes will be said, and life will go on. The memories will be what carries us on through the real life we live.

I have forgotten what its like to daydream, fantasize. I feel guilty when I get this way, day dreaming about a sponge bath. Feel guilty because deep down inside, I would love for him to give me one. I feel like I’m cheating on my husband and family. I feel guilty for stepping out of the box, as in just getting involved in a little harmless flirting.

I also get a little angry with all of this. My marriage is, well, over. I still cling to it. Cling to thoughts of bubble baths, smiles and laughter. The thrill of us sneaking off or sending the kids to the sitter. Its all gone. Has been for years. This trip was to see if we could fix it. All it has proved is that we are kicking a dead horse. We love and care about each other. We just don’t like each other very much. We have nothing to talk about, and what we say to each other is just talk.

We have both changed. Both grown and evolved into people we don’t know anymore. Today if he asked me to marry him, I would have to say no. He feels the same way. Too much resentment in our hearts today. Spending a day together without one of us spewing out an old resentment is rare. We don’t talk to keep that from happening.

I’ll be heading home soon. I’m going to miss this place. Time stands still here. No worries, no rush, just time to breathe and relax. No regrets, and I will fanaticize about it for years. It will be my happy place that I go in my mind when life starts getting me down. Just knowing that just because I won’t act on them, options are out there.