Unraveling

I am trying to untangle myself from this web as it unravels around me…

I knew I was getting in too deep. I knew to start backing it up, backing off.

It is not an obsession or addiction. It is a dependency. Too many eggs in one basket.

“Simplify. Go back to the basics”, I kept telling myself.

I didn’t listen. I heard yet didn’t act on what I knew to be truth from my own mouth. My own head. My own heart. The sane side of me.

I no longer have the luxury of taking things back a step at a time. My backup plans all involve that one basket. My backup resources are in that basket.

Reality has punched me in the throat. If you have ever been punched in the throat, you know the feeling. You can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t speak, and you can’t even scream or cry. The shock is so swift and effective that you are immobilized. Frozen until the shock wears off.

When the shock wears off, the body freaks out trying to compose itself. You panic to breathe again, you can think but the thoughts are too fast and confusing. You can speak yet what comes out makes no sense to you or anyone else. You scream and cry because you can. You begin to pace trying to shake off the after effects of the shock.

…praying that I land on my feet when I fall from its grasp.