Mother Earth, Father God

When I hit my early 40’s, I lost it. Mentally. Nothing made sense any more, none of my dreams had become reality, I was unhappy and felt old. So old and oh so tired. I am 25, 32, 41, or 48 and feel 110. Sound familiar?

In 2005 it hit me the hardest. I began to doubt everything that I believed.

I had become emotion based. Anger, fear and sadness were my emotional triggers. I was consumed by them instead of being moved by them. It became worse when I managed to remember the bad, sad or traumatic times more than the good, peaceful and joy filled times.

I began to doubt God even existed. I hoped that when my life was over it would simply be over. I didn’t want to continue in another life – heaven or hell. I just wanted it to be game over. I was scared not to believe, just in case. That caused more left-brain “does not compute” syndrome. Sometimes being logical isn’t nice on your brain and heart when it comes to living.

Finally I had an awakening. It started with testing the waters on meditation to help reduce the dosage of anti-anxiety medication I was taking. If I didn’t take enough, I would have anxiety attacks, sometimes going on into full blown panic attacks – which resembled strokes. Not fun. If I increased the dosage, I would be in a zombie state. I was a happy camper but slept all the time and had no desire to do anything.

As a child, our church frowned upon meditation. I’m not sure exactly why, but it stuck with me. I braved possible damnation and went for it.

I started with Roy Masters’ “Be Still and Know”. Then moved on to Osho with a form of Buddha style teachings. Roy Masters’ technique is simple and what I use today.

Today I am calmer. Today I know what I am to feel guilty about (as in what is really my problem and not someone else’s), I am calm in the face of emotional situations, and sleep well at night. I also am ready to face the day when I wake. I have energy levels that compare to those I had at 21, even 16.

In two months that I have been practicing meditation for a mere 10-20 minutes a day, in the morning and before going to bed. My medications have been reduced from 20mg to 5mg. I haven’t taken them for a week now and still have not seen or felt any side effects.

I feel whole, complete and comfortable in my own skin. “No es importante” (sounds better in Spanish that English: it isn’t important) is my favorite phrase because, most things are NOT important enough to dwell on, fight over or even cause a skip in my life’s steps. They do not need my undivided attention.

A new development that I never thought could happen is that now that I don’t worry about my hair, nails, makeup, weight, etc., I have healthier skin, my nails are stronger, I don’t need makeup and my weight has stabilized.

I have a mother, her name is earth. I am of the earth. I have a father, his name is God. I am of God. I find peace just in knowing this. I am in a perfect place in my life and see a brighter future ahead of me.