Unfriended

I have been unfriended on Facebook.

By my family.

Sweet.

I leaped, and they didn’t like it. I hate it for them. I hate that they didn’t listen. That they didn’t hear what I had to say, or will say in the future. I hate it for them.

They didn’t believe me.  I leaped, and they aren’t happy with it.

For those that don’t know, I am a 48 year old, divorcee with four adult children. All of my adult life I have lived as a mother and a wife. I have no degree or super special skills that will make my life today easier than anyone else. When I left I took my money, my truck and my clothes. I left my apartment with two children living there and all the furniture and furnishings. I had no job there or anything to offer them so I left them with the same resources that they’ve always had. The only thing I took from them, is my presence.

I knew that this was something that I had to do on my own. 100% me. The ‘help’ that I was receiving to reach my dream was actually not help.

So I left. Quickly and quietly. I was gone.

Despite what others thought, I can drive 1400 miles in two days and without having a panic attack – not a single one. My truck didn’t break down while on the road, my brakes didn’t go out in the mountains and I didn’t get killed stopping in rest areas to close my eyes for a little bit. I didn’t get killed or raped while alone in the hotel room when I stopped for the night. Where in the world did all these fears come from anyway?

They weren’t real dangers, just imagination and playing the What If game that creates fear, too much fear inside of us. We imagine the worst, and dismiss what we want as too risky.  Playing the What If game makes FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real.

It was an amazing adventure. Simply amazing. I drove through Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey and even through New York (during rush hour). Then through Connecticut, Massachusetts, and then finally to New Hampshire.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do next. I don’t have a road map laid out of what I plan to do. Road maps are for driving, um, roads. Not for living life.

Of course I will look for work. Of course I will apply at the school here and go back as soon as possible. Sucks for everyone that feels the deep seated need to be all in my life that I can’t provide exact dates and times. They will just have to cope with it, or not. Their choice.

*Note: as of this writing, no child or ex-husband died because I left. Their lives have just gone on, without me. Also, I don’t feel one iota of guilt, so those trying to cast guilt my way – you are wasting your time.