Trying To Remember

I am trying to remember my children. I know this sounds strange. Please bear with me.

I have been living here a little over a week. My family shut me out, and I shut them out. I have been angry at them and the world around me. I am out of my comfort zone. Not a comfortable zone, but what I knew.

Now I am trying to remember them. Truly remember them. I haven't spoken to or seen my mom in months. I remember her clearly. Those that I've seen recently, well I have a distorted memory of them. I know that I have five children, one by marriage.

Child #1 is the one working two jobs and is recently married, he is tall like his father and the one that takes over when mom loses it.

Child #1a is the beautiful young lady that married child #1. She wants a baby. She has CTS in her wrist and it breaks my heart.

Child #2 is a young mother of a little boy that laughs and smiles all the time. She is living with an uncle and is looking for work.

Child #3 is a hard working young lady. She doesn't like her body shape, and has a very messy side. She changes her hair color often.

Child #4 is a handsome young man with no goals or ambition in life. Smarter than anyone I know, just doesn't apply it to anything.

I am not being mean. I am being honest. I wonder what they remember about me? The woman who cried all the time? The moody person that lived with us? The woman that couldn't cope with anything so she slept all the time? The woman who couldn't say anything nice, but kept talking anyway?

It is sad that we remember or are remembered by our consistent actions instead of who we are deep down inside or even what we look like on the outside?

See, what I remember about my children is what I faced every day with them. What they remember of me is what I faced every day, not who I am or who I was then. Our memories are based on what we consistently showed the world. We lived our problems, anger and disappointments instead of living our lives as us.

Child #1 has a smile that is heartwarming and a laugh that will put a smile on your face. He has hugs that make you feel safe and secure. He is tall, but not domineering. He has his father's hands. No, he has hands like his father. Strong, hard working safe hands.

Child #1a is a beautiful young girl that has a life force about her that is contagious. Her love runs so deep for others and it moves me to be more like her. I am blessed to have her as a daughter.

Child #2 is also full of life and love. She is a good mother. It shows in her baby's eyes and laughter. She has so much to offer her baby. He is one of the lucky children in the world. She can cook, too. Oh heavens can she cook. What a gift. I hope that she never has to find work. She is doing what she loves and does best - being a mother to her child.

Child #3 has the most beautiful eyes and smile. She sings instead of talking sometimes. Dancing around like a impish fairy. Its impossible to not get lost in her happiness and know that life is wonderful. She is a hard worker, and even though sometimes people take advantage of her kind heart she keeps being her beautiful, loving and giving self.

Child #4 is so smart. He also has street smarts that will get him far in his life. He has some ideas and views that scare others, but impress me. He will make a difference in this world. A positive difference.

There are so many other wonderful qualities that my children possess. I am slow on remembering them. It will come over time. Their true selves. Not what the world has or is doing to them. In my constant worrying over them, I have forgotten who they really are and what they are truly capable of doing. My worry has hindered them in overcoming these adversities.  They will prevail, I know this because deep down inside I know my children. Who they really are and what they are capable of achieving in their lives.

In my future I want to put aside the past me and show the world who I really am. It doesn't matter what happened to me yesterday, a year ago or even 48 years ago. All that matters is who and what I am today. What I want people to remember about me.

I have the most amazing, beautiful and loving children in the universe. Period.