I spent some time at a friend’s house in the country. Trying to clear my head, set priorities and move forward in my new single life with grown children. It was an attempt to take my dream step by step instead of running headlong into it – into the unknown.
I thought it would be good to work and go to school while there. Taking my time, working my way to make the move to New Hampshire perfect. Save money, go slowly, prepare, plan…wait. Wait. Waiting.
There are two things wrong with the above. One is the word “perfect”. I sometimes joke that if I were perfect then I would be sitting on the right hand side of God. Honestly, if I were perfect I would be God Himself. Even Jesus wasn’t perfect. He was a man. He had doubts, fears, pain, sorrow…
The other word is “wait”. Wait for what? For the perfect (that word again) moment? For no one to need me here anymore? The perfect degree that will net that perfect job when I get there? The perfect amount of money?
I wait for a lot of things. Those things pass and then there are more things that come up that require me to wait. Wait. Waiting…
I have spent a lot of time in emergency rooms. I’m not proud that we have to use the ER for medical care and we try not to abuse it. We have no insurance. I don’t have a problem with taking a sick child there for help and by the time we go, it is an emergency. It is also very expensive. “I will worry about the bill later” is what goes through my head when seeking help. It eventually gets paid, somehow, somewhere down the line. The urgency is what eliminates the “perfect” route of waiting until we have insurance or money to seek help. The priority becomes taking care of it by whatever means I have at hand.
There have been times that I have had to rob Peter to pay Paul to make sure that my children have something they need. Clothes, school supplies, and so many other things. The impossible became possible through focus and dedication. Not by stepping on others to get what was needed, but staying focused on the target and clearing away the non-important things to get the need(s) met. In most cases Peter and Paul never knew the difference. One just got paid before the other did.
Other times, we just had to do without a luxury for awhile. If you can’t pay for something, then you can’t have it. I’ve known this all along, but it became clearer to me when I was in the country. It was uncomfortable there, but not anything that would hurt me. I lost a lot of conveniences that I had here at the apartment. I didn’t die from it, although I threw many hissy fits. Then it hit me that a majority of these conveniences are also what holds me back from reaching my dreams, my goals.
It was scary, enlightening and exciting to see the effects of me not being here with the kids, too. They all realized that they didn’t need me as much as they thought they all did. They did great while I was gone for a month to New Hampshire, and did just as well when they thought I was gone for good when I headed to TN.
No phone calls from the kids. They were angry with me. I am dependent on people being dependent on me. I needed to cut the ‘cord’ and quickly – all the way, not like I had tried to do in the past. I didn’t like knowing that it would be anger driving them to succeed and stand on their own two feet. I did know, however, that would be exactly what would happen. We are all anger driven in this household. Anger is our true motivator to make changes.
I know I scare a lot of people with what I want in life. It seems impossible to them or its simply something they can’t imagine someone else even wanting in life. There are times that I think that I scare them because it awakens a sleeping dream of theirs. I often wonder if they are stilling that dream of theirs by trying to still mine. Strange how that works sometimes. We don’t encourage others because of our own fears. Fears of our own dreams. Fear of having to take a look at ourselves.
My dreams are simple. I want to walk on the beach every morning, I want to watch the sunrise and set over the water. I want to breathe the wonderful salt air. I want to live quietly where I can go to work, and come home to write. I want to experience snow up to my butt.
When I go this time, I will go. This recent attempt to get back to New Hampshire was a beautiful failure. I failed, but am not a failure. I failed only because I didn’t keep my eye and heart on my goal. The next time an opportunity is afforded me, I will be gone. Be happy for me, be sad, be angry, be scared. The choice is yours. They are yours, not mine.
I will stumble, I will fall – but I do that today here in the ‘safety’ of my apartment and life in Mississippi. I will catch myself or pick myself, just as I do here. The location will be the only difference. I will still be me there, I will still have my own burdens to bear and I will still have my character flaws. I will still fight my own mental demons and fears. I am not running away, just changing location.
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