I Hate My Blackberry

I do hate it. I never dreamed I would say that about a phone I’ve carried for 3+ years. I almost smashed it to pieces yesterday. I didn’t. I exercised self-control. It wasn’t my Blackberry’s fault. I couldn’t kill the messenger, it wouldn’t be fair. It sure would have made me feel better though.

There was a time, not too long ago, that my phone was my lifeline –literally. Blackberry’s are great for this, too! The only time I can remember my BB letting me down was when I couldn’t upload my pictures to Facebook.

Several weeks ago I stayed at a friend’s house in the country. The intention was a jumping off point to get me where I am today. Get a job, save some money and then move to Northeast coast. When I headed back to Mississippi after a mere week, I knew in my heart that it wasn’t a failed attempt at my goal. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but today I can. It was a training session.

I had a crash course (boot camp if you wish) in how to live without cell phone service, internet and instant access to the world around me. Without cell service I couldn’t send or receive text messages, emails or place/receive calls. I couldn’t hook my phone to my computer as a modem.

It was good for me. Very good for me. When I arrived back in Mississippi where my phone actually worked, and even had wireless internet at my disposal – it no longer was a priority with me.

Now I am here. I am grateful that my phone worked all the way here. My GPS system is in my phone. It was also my connection to the people here that were waiting on me, encouraging me along the way – my lifeline of sorts. I left Mississippi on the 3rd, hoping to get here on the 4th with some serious driving. My phone service was scheduled to be cut off on the 5th.

I made it on the 5th, early in the morning. I did the smart thing and actually brought a map and had the route marked in case they cut the service sooner than expected.

Here it is the 14th and I still have phone service on that phone.  Any other time, when I was so dependent on this phone, my provider would have cut me off for non-payment. I even told them that I would not be paying the bill, gave them my new address so they could bill me for the balance of the contract and specifically asked them to cut it off on the 5th. I still have phone service – I think. I did yesterday, but the phone is disabled today so I have no idea and don’t care to know.

Silly me decided yesterday to turn the phone on to see if anyone had called or sent a text message. Lately the text messages I have been receiving haven’t been nice. Family and friends showing their true colors, if you will, about how they really feel/felt about my move to the coast. It had been a week so I hoped maybe there would be a few well wishes, how are you doings and maybe a few updates about their lives. Nothing but a voicemail.

I had missed a call from my ex. I checked the voicemail and it was to tell me that we were officially divorced. I already knew that, but thought it was nice that he took the time to let me know. Yes, there was a biting remark about how I could do whatever the “F” I wanted to now, but I let that slide.

I responded with a text wanting him to have a copy of the divorce papers sent to my new address. I guess I didn’t sugar coat it, or sweeten it and probably just said “I need…” and that prompted another text of “I don’t give a shit about what you need now fuck off. “

They all want(ed) me to be happy. They lied.

I’ll be honest about but what set me up for the fall yesterday. I wrote my mother a letter to let her know where I was, how I was doing and what was going on in my life. It was a hard letter to write for many reasons and took a long time to write it. My mother worries and I wanted to let her know exactly what was going on with no drama added to make her worry, but letting her know that I was sane and safe. I also wanted to let her know how much I love her and appreciate how strong of a woman she has helped me become.

I also knew in writing that letter I was pretty much telling her goodbye. I don’t know when I will be back down South again, if ever. Yes, we will write and keep each other updated. Yes, I have a new phone number here but I am not giving out the number to anyone. Honestly, there are only two contacts in my new phone’s address book. My roommate and my mother in case something happens to me they can call her.

I am not sad today. I don’t even feel sorry for my family. That is their burden to bear – you know, standing on their own two feet and going on with life. I don’t want the drama in my life anymore. I want reality. Reality only sucks when you haven’t been real with yourself. I am being real today. It feels good. No, it feels great.

I am grateful that I didn’t smash the Blackberry to pieces. I will leave it untouched until I’m sure the service is terminated before I put the battery back in it so I can use it for an organizer. That is the only thing I miss about having my BB today. The silly software that I use to organize my life, make lists and jot thoughts down. Then again, I am discovering that my iPod had a lot of the same features. I may just retire the BB after all.