Sadness Revisited

I was doing so well, until tonight. Its getting closer to the weekend when Mike will be home. I am trying to stay sane. I hate that I'll miss dinner with the family two nights. I thought about at least trying to attend for the sake of the kids, but I don't think I can handle it. Then there is also the fact that Danny will be coming in Saturday.

I can't keep doing the emotional back and forth. Sometimes I think he is just nice to me when its time to come home for a visit. He needs a place to stay, and possibly score some while he's here. Then he goes back, I don't hear much from him and I'm left wondering what I have done or didn't do.

Honestly, what is someone suppose to think? It all crashed with a simple text message from me. "Did you get a chance to call the attorney yet?"

After a week of being totally 'in love' again, planning our future and living happily ever after his response was "naw, didn't you get a 30 day extension?" I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

Its my fault. I set myself up all the time. I am this romantic sap that just never seems to learn. I get excited and headstrong when I think that happiness and love is in the air around me.

Silly me was making arrangements so I could go to New Hampshire and stay with him. We would come home together like he said. He wanted me to keep the apartment so we would have somewhere to stay when we came home.

I was working on cleaning up and organizing the apartment both for me leaving and also his visit this weekend. Since I thought we were going to stay married, I was planning on detailing out the truck - since it was his truck. I had so many ideas of how I was going to spoil him and take care of him. Our new life together was going to be so different than before.

I did ask him not to contact me until after the divorce was final. When it was all said and done we would see where life took us. He sent me a text a few days ago but I just deleted it.

So many things have run through my mind. I wanted to get an attorney after his text not to 'take' him for anything, but to stop the divorce or delay it. Now I want it to go through. Be done with it all. This emotional roller coaster began many years ago for me, but has escalated to a point where I can't breathe at times because I feel like my heart is going to implode or just stop. These past few days have been good, but the few days before those I honestly thought of suicide - I just wanted to feel better. Actually, I just didn't want to feel at all.

Now I'm excited to get my home all cleaned and organized for myself. I don't know what the future holds but I'm excited to find out. It doesn't hurt that they fixed my a/c so now I'm freezing my butt off instead of melting here at the computer!