I am so bored right now. Trying to watch a movie but it isn't holding my attention. Its a good one, old but still good. The World According To Garp (1982). I don't think I've seen it since 1982. I remembered it when I watched According To Greta. The title reminded me, not the movie itself.
Its cool in the apartment so now I'm wanting to do something. I could clean, but that is so - well, like housework.
Trying to stay out of my head. I feel better now that I haven't been talking to Mike. In the short time we were back together, I was all in. 100% and ready for our happy ever after. The kids were helping me get ready to go to NH. I let myself fall back in love and be immersed in him. Today has been the first day that I haven't had to meditate to calm myself down and I haven't cried at all today.
When I realized that he was still planning on divorcing me, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Now I know that just as he doesn't need a piece of paper to be married to me, I don't need a piece of paper to not be married to him. I have to be through with this. My heart cannot take any more. My head cannot take any more games, lies and half-truths. Omission of the truth is also a lie if you let someone believe something other than what you plan. Just because you don't correct them or confirm - well, that is still a lie. Very misleading. A lie.
I also lie. I lie to myself that things will be different. I do trust him. I trust that this is what the rest of our lives will be like. Me "misunderstanding" all the time. I'm not stupid, and do pay attention to what people say and do. Yes dear, I do trust you. Trust that you will continue to not say anything or say what I want to hear not what you are going to do.
Off to find something productive to do. Bathroom really needs cleaning. I can't wait until I am living alone, again. These messes are unbelievable. They remind me of when I cleaned a bar for a living. Gross, and really inconsiderate since it involves sober young adults.
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